The Craziness!

Decoding the Craziness!

Research found that _______ and ________ are the two key ingredients for a successful marriage.

Though we all need ________ and ________ equally, the felt need during conflict is as different as female is from male (Matthew 19:4).

His and Her Deepest Value - What Is the Deepest Value or Need?

Each need is most apparent when threatened.

In the Diet Book story she hears, “I don’t accept, approve of, or love you unless you look like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.”

Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

We asked 7,000 people this question: When you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved at that moment or disrespected?

83% of the __________ said they feel disrespected. 72% of the __________ said they feel unloved.

During conflict, when you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, the issue is no longer the issue! When the issue isn’t the issue, what is the issue? We believe that she is feeling __________ and he is feeling __________.

God revealed this truth 2,000 years ago in Ephesians 5:33!

Is This Why Things Get Crazy? Yes.

• Without love she reacts without respect.
• Without respect he reacts without love.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives ...

‍1 Peter 3:1-2 ... even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your... respectful behavior.

Are You Sure Love and Respect Are These Deepest Needs?

Science and Scripture reveal the code about the two deepest values.

Genesis 29:32 ... surely now my husband will love me.

‍Judges 16:15 How can you say, “I love you,” when your heart is not with me?

‍2 Samuel 6:16-22 ... Michal ... saw ... David ... dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart ... David said ... “I will be more lightly esteemed …”

Is She Conscious of Her Need for Love and Is He Conscious of His Need for Respect?

Many gals wonder, “Does he love me as much as I love him?”

Many guys simmer, “I get no respect.”

Genesis 29:32-33 Leah … said … “the Lord has heard that I am unloved …“

‍Judges 14:16 Samson’s wife wept … and said, “You only hate me, and you do not love me.”

‍Esther 1:17 … to look with contempt on their husbands …

‍Esther 1:20 … then all women will give honor to their husbands, great and small.

‍Hosea 2:14 … I will allure her … and speak kindly [“tenderly,” NIV] to her.

‍Proverbs 2:16 … the adulteress who flatters with her words.

Why Do We Hear More About Love in Marriage Than Respect?

Research shows that women are more expressive-responsive in marriage.

In today’s love-dominated society, a woman tends to talk far more about her need for love than her husband speaks about his need for respect.

We need to think biblically, not just culturally. Biblically there are two sides to the marital coin: love AND respect. Though Paul penned the Love Chapter (1 Corinthians 13) and Peter walked with the Lord of Love for three years, neither command a wife to agape-love her husband.

Only the husband is commanded to agape-love his wife (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33).

Both Peter and Paul reveal that the secret for a wife is to show unconditional respect (1 Peter 3:1- 2; Ephesians 5:33). This empowers her.

Though it seems counter-intuitive and counter-cultural, unconditional respect is as powerful to a husband as unconditional love is to a wife. This truth needs to be put back on the marital radar screen.

The Misunderstanding About Respect

Isn’t the Opposite True: Gals Need R-E-S-P-E-C-T and Guys Need L-O-V-E?

• We all need love and respect equally. However, during conflict a wife leans toward love and a husband toward respect.
• When a wife requests R-E-S-P-E-C-T, often she desires to be treated and honored as an equal (1 Peter 3:7). Feeling like a second-class citizen (on par with a doormat) sends her through the roof!
• When a husband wishes to feel L-O-V-E between them, it revolves around her liking him as a friend. He does not feel the love between them when she is unfriendly and negative (Titus 2:4).

Titus 2:4 Encourage the young women to love [“phileo,” not “agape”] their husbands …

‍1 Peter 3:7 Husbands ... grant her honor [the Greek word means “valuing”] as a fellow heir of the grace of life…

‍Ephesians 5:33 … love his own wife ... and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Isn’t it Agreed That Love Is the Most Important Ingredient and Respect Is Marginal?

What is your read on this phrase: GODISNOWHERE? An atheist might see “God is nowhere.” A believer might see “God is now here.” In other words, what one deeply believes will affect the way one interprets life.

Her pink lenses see love and his blue lenses see respect. Neither are wrong, just different.

When the Bible says that love is the greatest of these (1 Corinthians 13:13), Paul is comparing love to faith and hope, not to respect (Ephesians 5:33). We must accurately handle the word of truth (2 Timothy 2:15).

God made us male and female. Thus, a husband is not wrong for needing respect, just different from his wife. A wife is not wrong for needing love, just different from her husband. A wise person sees these differences and celebrates them.

Genesis 1:27 And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

‍Matthew 19:4 Have you not read, that He who created [them] from the beginning made them male and female?

‍1 Peter 3:7 … since she is a woman …

‍1 Thessalonians 2:7 … As a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.

‍Isaiah 54:6 Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit ... like a wife ... when she is rejected …

‍Jeremiah 30:6 Ask now, and see, if a male can give birth ...

‍1 Corinthians 16:13 ... act like men, be strong.

‍Nehemiah 4:14 ... fight for ... your wives …

‍1 Peter 3:7 Husbands ... live with your wives in an understanding way … since she is a woman …

‍Proverbs 19:14 ... a prudent wife ...

Don’t Some Wives Feel Uncomfortable Showing Respect to a Husband?

Some contend showing respect makes a husband superior and a wife inferior. However, the Bible is clear: in the eyes of God a husband and wife are equal.

As for a wife’s feelings of discomfort, a wife need not feel respect in order to show respect. And, showing respect does not mean giving a husband license to do whatever he desires. Peter, who teaches unconditional respect, watched the wife of Anania--her name was Sapphira--drop dead because she went along with her husband in lying to God (Acts 5:1-11). A wife needs to respectfully take a stand. Unconditional respect means, “There is no condition, circumstance, or situation that can get me to show contempt to my husband.”

Unconditional respect means a wife gives the gift of a respectful demeanor when confronting a husband’s wrong behavior. This is about who she is, not about who he isn’t.

Galatians 3:28 There is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

‍1 Peter 3:7 Husbands ... grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life …

‍1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

‍1 Corinthians 11:11 … in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.

‍1 Samuel 18:20f; 6:16f Michal ... loved David ... Then ... Michal despised him in her heart ...

‍1 Titus 3:11 Women likewise must be dignified …

‍Proverbs 31:25 … dignity ... her clothing ...

What if a Husband Doesn’t Deserve Respect?

• When he fails to love as he ought, he doesn’t deserve respect. However, this isn’t about him deserving respect but about him needing respect.
• By way of analogy, Hosea the prophet was to win his adulterous wife by loving her. She was neither lovable nor deserving, but she needed love.
• Similarly, Peter instructs wives to win a disobedient husband through respectful behavior. A disobedient husband is neither respectable nor deserving, but contempt will not win him. To win a husband, a wife cannot show disdain any more than a husband can show hostility to win a wife.
• Sadly, because the culture teaches that respect must be earned (whereas love is to be unconditional), women have been given license to express, “I love you but don’t respect you.” However, that’s comparable to a husband declaring, “I respect you but do not love you.”

Luke 6:32 And if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?
‍Hosea 3:1 Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress …
‍1 Peter 3:1-2 Even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your ... respectful behavior.

Are You Saying He Needs Unconditional Respect Equal to Her Need for Unconditional Love?

• Like needing oxygen, she needs unconditional love and he needs unconditional respect. Both have equal needs though these needs are not the same.
• Unconditional love means there is no circumstance that can get a husband to show hostility toward his wife. That’s his dogged decision. She does not make him harsh and hostile but reveals these things about him.
• Unconditional respect means there is no situation that can get a wife to be derisive. That’s her weapon of choice.
• Unconditional respect is a biblical teaching.

1 Peter 2:17 Honor all men; love the brotherhood ... honor the king.

‍1 Peter 2:18 ... respect ... those who are good and gentle, but also... those who are unreasonable.

‍Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.

Answer Key Session 1

• love
• respect
• love
• respect
• men
• women
• unloved
• disrespected

God’s Last Word to the Church on Marriage

If my father is on his deathbed and says, “Emerson come close and listen to me,” you know his last words are his most important words. You might say that God’s last word to the church on marriage is Ephesians 5:33. This is His summary statement! Though God isn’t dying, the significance of this revelation is to be heeded. There you read that husbands must love their wives and wives must respect their husbands.

Is this a divine suggestion or a divine command? Explain.

The Need*

How does Ephesians 5:33 suggest a wife needs her husband’s love and a husband needs his wife’s respect?

The Differences*

Because God made you male and female, is it okay that your spouse has a need that you don’t  have? Explain.

Please say out loud this phrase: “Not wrong, just different.” Remember, the color blue is not wrong because it is different from the color pink!

Pink and Blue

Many couples find the pink and blue analogy helpful. A wife looks at the world through pink sunglasses, listens through pink hearing aids, and speaks through a pink megaphone. A husband sees through blue sunglasses, hears through blue hearing aids, and talks through a blue mega phone. For instance, Emerson uses the example of what a woman means when she says through her pink megaphone, “I have nothing to wear” versus what a husband means when saying through his blue megaphone, “I have nothing to wear.”

How does this example reinforce the idea that you are not wrong, just different?

Blue’s Emotions and Pink’s Sexuality

Because of the husband’s blue nature, why would a husband not have fond feelings of love and affection in his heart toward a wife he thinks despises who he is as a human being? In other words, why would he tend to move away from her instead of wanting to emotionally connect with her?

Because of the wife’s pink nature, why would she not be sexually responsive to a husband who is harsh and angry with her? In other words, why would she tend to shut down and pull back on what appears to be hostility?

Standing on Air Hoses

Another analogy that helps couples is the air tanks and air hoses. A wife needs love like she needs air to breathe. She has an air hose connected to her love tank. When her husband stands on her air hose, like an elephant eating peanuts, she tends to react negatively. She is feeling unloved.

On the other hand, a husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe. He has an air hose connected to his respect tank. When his wife lays down on his air hose, like a fawn with her fawnettes having a picnic, he tends to react negatively. He is feeling disrespected.

What does this word picture say to you?

When the Issue Isn’t the Issue

When you see the spirit of your spouse deflate, you are stepping on their air hose. Whatever the topic at hand (finances, sex, children, in-laws, etc.), as important as that topic is, when the spirit of your spouse deflates a deeper issue now exists! The issue is no longer the issue! Your wife is feeling unloved and your husband is feeling disrespected.

Up to this point how have you responded to your spouse when his or her spirit deflated and you realized “the issue was no longer the issue”?

The Diet Book and the Marriage Book

From the video, can you recall what message the wife heard through her pink hearing aids when her husband gave her the diet book?

Why would she feel disapproved and unaccepted?

When she felt unloved, how did she react?

What message did the husband hear in his blue hearing aids when he saw the third marriage book (this year) next to his recliner?

Why would he feel disapproved and unaccepted?

When he felt disrespected, how did he react?

Unconditional Love and Respect

According to Hosea 3:1, what wins the heart of a wife (if anything will) because it meets her deepest need?

According to 1 Peter 3:1–2 (NASB), what wins the heart of a husband (if anything will) because it meets his deepest need?

But How Can I Love or Respect Sin?

Explain the difference between Hosea showing love for his wife’s adulterous actions and Hosea being a loving man toward her heart while confronting her “unlovable” behaviors. Which was the Lord asking him to do?

Likewise, explain the difference between a wife respecting her husband’s disobedient actions and a wife coming across as a respectful woman toward his heart while confronting his “unrespectable” behaviors. Which is Peter asking her to do?

Imagine saying to your spouse: “There is nothing you can do to get me to stop loving/respecting the person  God sees in you and I see in you! But I love/respect you too much to let you continually give in to this sin.” What  do you think would happen?

Remember Jesus’ example. He said the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. He unconditionally loved and respected the spirit of a person while confronting carnal behaviors.

Refusing to Believe That God Designed Marital Conflict*

Paul wrote that if two people marry they have not sinned but they will have “trouble” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Did you hear that? God predicts trouble.

For example, earlier Paul reveals that a wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and the husband does not have authority over his own body; the wife does  (1 Corinthians 7:4). This is referring to sexual intimacy. Both have equal say! So, who decides if  there will be sexual intimacy tonight? The answer is “yes!” God designed conflict and with that comes trouble! Did you know God’s Word teaches this?

What would you say to the person who encounters trouble and interprets that as being outside of God’s will? Does trouble mean you have made a mistake in marrying this person?

Immediate Application

Write down in the space below one or two things that came to mind during this session that you already know you need to begin applying or practicing this week.