Why The Lies in Marriage?

Please read the pain expressed by the spouses below. I give six examples of the hurt the innocent party feels when discovering their husband or wife lies to them: three examples from wives and three from husbands. Reflect on the examples and questions. There are no right or wrong answers

“He lies"

EXAMPLE A

"The one thing in your book that you did not cover that is relevant to me is, how do I (the female) respect the male when he lies? He lies day in, day out. He does not lie to hurt me. He does not mean to be malicious. He lies precisely because he does not want to hurt my feelings, which in the end hurts me much more. He says he loves me, he says he wants me, but he does no act that shows me this."

1. Why do you believe he lied?
2. Why should he not have lied?

EXAMPLE B

"He lies about money, like how much he spent for items. But he lies beyond money. He lies about where's he's been, what he's done at work, reading Love & Respect, saying he took care of something and didn't, saying he went to the doctor and didn’t. . . . It's hard to believe a word he says. I know he needs me to trust him and respect him, yet the trust issue is harder than respect, although they seem to go hand in hand. How do I trust him? Not just with money or promises but with my heart? . . . The lies in the beginning of the marriage were easily overlooked until they became more and more frequent. Until recently, he has never admitted to lying. He has always had an excuse, another lie, blamed other people, said I goad him into lying, etc. He didn't even apologize this last time. He just said 'I feel like I am under a microscope!' to which I replied that in a sense, he is. Trust doesn't happen overnight, and he will have to earn my trust. All the deceit has created much stress, tension, mistrust, doubt, hurt, disbelief, anger, and the feeling of betrayal."

1. Why do you believe he lied?
2. Why should he not have lied?

EXAMPLE C

"Since the beginning of our relationship, there have been lies. When my husband asked me to marry him, there was a woman in his life who was already around five months pregnant from him, and I was only told about this when I was already more than a half year married to him and we had our first child together. Also, I have caught him in adultery with another, and not only adultery but he lies about his finances. One day, a woman of about fifty stood at our door, telling that she had lent a thousand euros to my husband. They were in the same class, and he told her some sob story that his mother was seriously ill and that he would have no money to pay medical expenses. . . . He choose for Jesus Christ once, and then it was quiet for some time in our marriage. He has been to church sometimes, but only because I asked him. Twice, he got a word from God, telling him he had to leave his worldly life behind. I know God really has a plan with him."

1. Why do you believe he lied?
2. Why should he not have lied?

“She lies"

EXAMPLE D

"What do you do with a wife who repeatedly lies, deceives, won't admit she spends money (even when I find the receipts), won't even admit she moves something when I ask her not to move it!? Your answer may be that I should ‘love her,’ but this is repeated, habitual lying and deception. This isn't a difference of opinion—we're talking about her claiming her sister gave her a new item in our house when really my wife bought it. She won't admit she does it when she is first caught—so I go overboard to try to get her to admit it. Sometimes it takes months and we are still in that crazy cycle over some small dumb thing that she should have just owned up to in the first place! And when I first confront her on her lies she just shoves the blame back on me, saying 'If you didn't get so upset I'd have the freedom to be honest with you.’ . . . When she lies, I call her on it. It happens a couple times a week. So she went to a counselor and has started to pull the ‘abuse’ word on me—saying I 'verbally abuse' her when I get upset by refusing to accept her lies and keeping after her until the truth is told. . . . It's a mess—and I feel stuck."

1. Why do you believe she lied?
2. Why should she not have lied?

EXAMPLE E

"A little over a year ago, after being at my current place of employment for over six years, and finding it was difficult to essentially be a one-income family in California, we first began seriously considering looking for a new place of employment. At her request, we only considered areas of the country that were relatively close to either of our parents. In January of this year, we received an offer from a company in Florida that was less than an hour from my parents. I showed her the offer letter, we discussed it and prayed about it, and after a couple of days, we decided to accept the offer. . . . Long story short, on the day we were scheduled to move, she told me she couldn't do it. . . . She took our girls up to her parents' house and has been there ever since. She continued to refuse to move out here until about three weeks ago when she filed for divorce and full custody of the girls. She lied in the divorce papers saying I had abandoned them and that she was forced to rent out our house due to inability to pay for her/the girls' expenses. This could not be further from the truth."

1. Why do you believe she lied?
2. Why should she not have lied?

EXAMPLE F

"My wife and I have been married for only three and a half years, and just a few months ago I noticed she changed how she was acting. She just started back to school for RN. At this time we have a new seven-month-old. I then found some inappropriate messages between her and this man from school. She said it was no big deal. I then found more. Then more. I learned they have been riding together. She lied to me, saying they hadn't been riding together. Then more messages. I've noticed that she is addicted to her cell phone, never letting it out of her hand or pocket now. I see her secretly texting till late at night. . . . She now sleeps in the other room and won't wear her wedding rings. . . . She says she's not sure she's in love with me anymore. I've admitted all my faults that caused her to be angry with me and I changed them. My faults? I didn't make her feel like number one, took her for granted, put others ahead of her, . . . ignored that she was reaching out to me, and not helping out around the house as I should have. Now she won't even try. The man she keeps messaging is a proud atheist. My wife and I are Christian. She was raised Christian going to church every Sunday. He is enticing her to believe otherwise and make the decision to leave the family. I have grown closer and stronger to the Lord through this. . . .  I've asked her to pray with me but she won’t. . . . I continue to love her like Christ loves the church. But she continues in the infidelity. Tells me she doesn't deserve my love, so please stop being nice."

1. Why do you believe she lied in example F?
2. Why should she not have lied?

-Dr. E