What Does It Mean for You if You Do Not Have the Gift of Celibacy?

In 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul wrote,

“I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each has his own gift from God, one in this way, and another in that.”

He was referring to the gift of celibacy here, which Paul was given and is why he never married. Of course, most are not given this gift, which Paul readily acknowledged, and have been given a different gift—the gift of marriage and partnership.

What does it mean to not have the gift of celibacy, though, besides being given the blessing of a lifelong relationship with a husband or wife in which to create a family and do life together? When one has not been gifted as Paul was but instead has been gifted with that of a marriage, it reveals the presence of other things they have also been given—specifically needs.

In Genesis 2:18, we learn that even in paradise not everything was good.

For God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

It is here that we observe that Adam needed Eve emotionally as his companion. He was alone and lonely, so God provided Eve as His gift to Adam. Later we observe in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 that a man and woman without the gift of celibacy need each other sexually and emotionally. As well, we see in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 that both husband and wife are to show their concern to each other and please each other in daily living around the nuts and bolts of doing life together, each supporting the other in times of need.

Biblically True Statements We Would Be Wise To Declare

Knowing now that if one has not been given the gift of celibacy then they have been given specific needs that only their spouse can fill, I believe there are some biblically true statements we would be wise to declare about ourselves and our marriage. Would you proclaim these statements as being true of you?

• Because I do not have the gift of celibacy, God gave me my spouse as His gift to me. Therefore, I acknowledge to myself that I need my spouse. I acknowledge to myself that God has given my spouse to me as a gift. This does not mean my spouse will understand all of my sexual, emotional, and social needs that only they can meet. Rather, I am simply acknowledging to myself that I need my spouse, and have needs that only they can meet.
• But it isn't just about me. WHAT I ALSO BELIEVE IN MY DEEPEST HEART based on 1 Corinthians 7 and other scriptures is that my spouse does not have the gift of celibacy either, and God has given me to them as a gift. I acknowledge to myself that I am a gift to my spouse. My spouse has sexual, emotional, and social needs that only I can meet. This doesn't mean I will naturally understand all of my spouse's needs. I am simply saying here that I acknowledge to myself that my spouse needs me, and they have needs only I can meet.

Needs Will Differ and Vary

But it is not enough to simply know that you and your spouse both have needs the other must meet. It is vital that we realize your felt needs will be different from your spouse’s felt needs. As well, the felt needs of both you and your spouse will vary throughout life, oftentimes even in the same day or week. Will you also declare these statements as true and commit to meeting your spouse’s differing, varying needs?

• I recognize that we have differing felt needs at various ages and stages. Though some needs overlap quite nicely, like the two of us both enjoying our sex life, many needs do not coincide in the same way. The husband may feel off emotionally because he is questioning his wife's respect for him as a parent since he is gone for work a lot during this season. And she may feel off socially/familially because she is pressured to carry many of the household duties due to his job requirements to travel so much. Because of these types of realities, I recognize we will have differing felt needs at various ages and stages.
• I also will not require my spouse to have the same felt need as me in order to meet my differing felt need. If as a husband want more sexual intimacy, I will not request of my wife to want more sex in the same way that I want more sex as a man. I will allow her to respond to my felt need for sex without putting the condition on her to naturally feel desires for sex in the same way that I do. Because if I do, and she does not have the same level of appetite for sex, I could end up calling her insincere and a fake as she seeks to respond to my felt need for sexual intimacy. Here she would be responding to my felt need while I am accusing her of being a fake, which would deflate her and may cause her to avoid sexual intimacy with me. I would be causing her to feel bad when she was seeking to respond to me in good faith.
• If as a wife I want more emotional intimacy, I will not expect my husband to also want more emotional intimacy via talking in the same ways that I want more talking as a woman. I will allow him to respond to my felt need for talking and emotional connection without putting the condition on him to naturally feel a need and desire to talk as I do. Because if I do, and he does not have the same level of appetite to give the report of the day to build rapport, I could end up calling him insincere and a fake as he seeks to respond to my felt need for emotional intimacy. Here he would be responding to my felt need but I would end up accusing him of being a fake, which would deflate him and may cause him to avoid such an emotional connection with me. I would be causing him to feel bad when he was seeking to respond to me in good faith.

Do you acknowledge the above statements as being true of you and your spouse? Because unless you have been given the gift of celibacy and have remained unmarried, they are! You have needs only your spouse can and should meet. Your spouse has needs that only you can and should meet. You both have a shared responsibility to give voice to your felt needs and seek how best to meet each other’s different, varying needs. Ultimately, meeting each other’s needs cannot be about you but about the both of you. It is about reciprocity. 

If you have not already, will you commit to approaching each other’s felt needs in the spirit of mutual satisfaction?