Respect Won Her Husband Back: A Wife’s Testimony

A wife wrote to me saying, “My husband has disconnected from our marriage. We were on the Crazy Cycle for years, and it got really bad this year. He had an emotional affair and is now convinced that we can never be happy together, can both eventually find happiness elsewhere, and he wants a divorce.

“I've been trying the CHAIRS principle for 3 months and have gotten very little response.

“He says not only is he no longer IN LOVE with me, but he doesn't love me at all anymore. He says he is not interested in re-engaging in our relationship because he believes we will divorce eventually anyway. Any suggestions or pleading I make for another chance are met with anger.

“Is there any hope?

“I don't want a divorce. He has been a good-willed man, but has morphed into someone else in recent months.”

She continues,

“...I have tried applying the respect principle...and it seems to have softened him. However, any time he seems to reconnect with me, he then pulls away, saying he's made too many mistakes, cannot forgive himself, and I deserve someone better.

“It's as if he will not allow himself to feel happiness or hope about our marriage.

“He talks about getting counseling, but then won't go.

“How can I - as his separated wife - respectfully handle this? I want to save our marriage.”

In January 2015, Jonathan (my son) and I produced an episode of the Love and Respect Podcast that addressed this woman’s concerns and questions titled, “Why Does My Husband Hate Me?”

After listening to the episode, this wife was encouraged to write us again. She said,

“I previously emailed you about my husband and I separating (against my wishes), and you answered my question in the January 2 podcast.

“I explained that I had been applying the respect principle, but my husband kept pulling away whenever we started to reconnect. You said this was the first phase in the reconnection process.

“I am happy to say that shortly thereafter, he asked to reconcile, and we reunited.

“I know we have a long road of healing ahead of us, and I ask that you please pray for us, but I wanted to let you know that unconditional respect and prayer have worked.

“I don't think we would have reunited if I hadn't recognized and expressed my respect for him...

“He is showing me more love than he has in months - again, the principles work! - but I do worry that he may change his mind and want to separate again.”

We rejoice with her! Again and again we see the power of 1 Peter 3:1,2, and we know a wife truly can win her husband through a respectful approach.

Is there a guarantee that this will happen to you? No.

However, contempt and disrespect do not win the heart of a husband any more than the lack of love wins the heart of a wife.

A husband’s love does not insure a wife’s willingness to work on the marriage, but his harshness and anger are sure collateral against her desire to unite with him.

Stay the course in applying the respect message. When you grow discouraged, thinking it isn’t working, remember this wife’s testimony and those of countless others.

Your marriage before God is worth it!

-Dr. E