What Does It Mean to Be a Strong and Independent Christian Wife?

Sadly, there are some who would make the claim that a wife who chooses to show unconditional respect toward her husband cannot also be strong and independent. Instead, they say, respecting her husband according to Ephesians 5:33 requires her to be milk-toast, with no voice of her own, having to comply with any and all notions her husband has, no matter how sinful, all for the sake of not coming across as un-submissive and disrespectful.

Defining Strength and Independence

For this reason, it is important that we discuss exactly what it means to be a strong and independent Christian wife.

First and foremost a strong and independent Christian wife is one who does not go along with sin. She strongly resists participation in anything her husband asks her to do that is contrary to the heart, mind, and will of Christ. She independently steers clear of anything that her husband expects her to do that quenches and grieves the Spirit of Christ.

Navigating Gray Areas and Moral Boundaries

This does not refer to clashing preferences in normal conflicts in all marriages. Should they celebrate Christmas morning at her parents' home or his parents' home? Should they take a vacation to Florida or use that money to put in a Jacuzzi in the backyard? In disciplining their disobedient sixteen-year-old son, should they take the car keys from him for two weeks or tell him that he cannot visit his friend's cottage with his parents for the weekend?

These are gray-area tensions that arise in all marriages.

We are not advocating that a wife demonstrate her "strength and independence" by declaring, "I will not be a doormat in this marriage. I will be strong and independent in this marriage. We are spending Christmas morning with my parents, we will vacation in Florida, and you will take the car keys from our son."

Our frame of reference revolves around what Paul wrote just before he addressed marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33. In concluding the chapter with God's command to the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church and the wife respecting her husband (5:33), he does from the backdrop of what he wrote a few verses earlier. He writes that moral lines must not be crossed. No. Matter. What.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. . . . But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. . . . Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them. . . . Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise. . . . So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. (Ephesians 5:1-17)

Actually, this is the second urging of these themes. In Ephesians 4:17-20 Paul wrote, 

So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness. But you did not learn Christ in this way.

Staying True to Faith and Values

A strong and independent Christian wife does not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness that consist of immorality, impurity, and greed. Unequivocally, this would be unwise and foolish.

Instead, first and foremost, as a wise woman who displays a life of goodness, righteousness, and truth, she tries to learn what is pleasing to the Lord and to understand what the will of the Lord is.

Challenges and Consequences

So, what are we to say to a wife who tells others, "I sought to be a loving, respectful, and submissive wife based on Ephesians 5:22-33, but all it did was feed the carnal appetites of my husband who verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused me by demanding that I participate in immoral and impure things. He told me that I was not respectful and submissive if I did not do as he told me to do"?

As painful and sad as this testimony is, Sarah and I would say to this wife, "No. God never intended for you to cross the moral line into sin to show God and your husband that you were submissive and respectful. A truly strong and independent woman stays true to her love and reverence for Christ."

I wrote in my book Love & Respect: 

Does this mean that a wife must submit to something illegal, wrong, or evil? Should she go along with being beaten by her husband or watching him beat the children? Should she submit to his plans to do something dishonest or unethical? The clear scriptural answer is, of course not, because that would be preposterous. When a man acts in this way, he is not a good-willed husband, and he forfeits his right to be head and to be followed. A wife’s submission to God takes precedence over her submission to her husband. She is not to sin against Christ in order to defer to her husband. (Read the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1–11.) And, sadly, let me add, a wife may need to physically separate from her husband (1 Corinthians 7:11) or divorce him for adultery (Matthew 19:9). (pages 219-20).

In the margins, I highlight for all to read: "There are times when a wife ‘must obey God rather than men’ (Acts 5:29).”

Respect must be tough, as love must be tough. God intends for a strong and independent wife to live within His boundaries.

Balancing Forgiveness and Consequences

But shouldn't a loving, respectful, and submissive wife forgive her husband? Yes, but what does that mean? I write as well:

There is no contradiction between extending forgiveness and enacting consequences for the offender. Because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that everything goes on just as it did before, that nothing has to change. For example, a wife may forgive her husband’s adultery with his secretary, but that does not mean the husband can continue to work with the secretary. The forgiving wife need not “prove” her forgiveness by allowing her husband to do whatever he chooses in relationship to the secretary. But the husband does need to prove that he is truly repentant and intends to be loyal to his wife by “bear[ing] fruit in keeping with repentance” (see Matthew 3:1–10)" (Love & Respect Workbook, Appendix III)

The challenge for every godly-wise wife is to hear Paul's urging to be strong and independent as Christ intends. Paul warns against being "weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth" (2 Timothy 3:6-7). Other translations word this as:

• morally weak and spiritually-dwarfed women weighed down by [the burden of their] sins, easily swayed by various impulses (AMP)
• weak women who are burdened by the guilt of their sins and driven by all kinds of desires (GNB)
• mislead weak-minded women who are burdened with sins and led by all kinds of desires (GW)
• gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires (NIV)
• vulnerable women who are burdened with the guilt of sin and controlled by various desires (NLT)
• take advantage of . . . unstable and needy women . . . women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth” (MSG)

Unfortunately, instead of this weak-willed woman considering that she failed to be strong in the Lord against sin (Ephesians 1:19; 3:16; 6:10), might she be one who argues that her husband and other men told her to be submissive and respectful and to do things she knew to be at odds with wisdom and Christ?

Real Life Scenarios

I know of such women who have said they were . . .

• in life and death situations but did not say anything to their husbands about what should be done to preserve life lest they appear un-submissive and disrespectful.
• told to go along with sexual requests that included threesomes and making porn lest they be un-submissive and disrespectful.
• in ministry with husbands who did things contrary to the standards of the Bible and the church but they never reported this to the supervisors lest this appears un-submissive and disrespectful.
• coerced to sign off on large amounts of money so their husbands could invest in get-rich-quick schemes which they knew would fail and did fail, but they thought at the time that they must go along with the hair-brained idea to demonstrate that they were submissive and respectful.

I am saddened by such assertions, and there are many more like these episodes.

How depressing to hear such things. If only these wives had read what Paul wrote: "Do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is" and "Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them.” That’s what it means to be a strong and independent Christian wife.