“I’m Right and My Spouse Is Wrong, So It’s Not My Job to Get Us Off the Crazy Cycle” - Part 3

Because a husband primarily sees through the lens of respect, he knows that he seeks to be respectful and honorable as a man. And, he knows that she falls short of being respectful, at least as respectful as he is as a man. All the men in his world would concur. So, he knows that he is right and she is wrong for the lack of respect. His frustration with her treatment of him confirms he is right.

The Husband's Perspective

The husband fixates on four levels of proof that he is right, though usually he is less articulate about the sequence than is his wife. 

1. My wife was disrespectful. 
2. I tried to be respectful by staying calm and not telling her she was disrespectful. 
3. In shock, she told me I was unloving for not talking to her but ignoring her. 
4. I felt even more disrespected. 

With these four levels of proof, he comes to the reasonable conclusion (in his blue mind) that his wife is the reason for their marital conflicts and problems. If she were more respectful, they would have an enjoyable relationship, or so he tells himself.

Reflecting on His Beliefs and Alternative Approaches

1. My wife was disrespectful.

He feels disrespected by something she said or did. For example, she bought a third marriage book this year for him to read, leaving it on his lounge chair with a note: “I underlined in yellow some of the things you could do to help improve our relationship.” 

In general, a husband tends to view his relationship with his wife through the lens of respect. Consequently, when he encounters feelings of being disrespected, like the yellow highlights in effect saying he needs to be the one to change, these emotions take center stage in his heart and mind, leaving him somewhat inundated and incredulous. 

For instance, based on research from the University of Washington, it’s common for most wives to resort to criticizing and complaining. She may do this because she cares, but when this is a pattern, he hears a message of contempt: “You are not good enough for me.” Such behaviors from his wife can have an overwhelming impact on him emotionally, to the extent that his heart rate can escalate to 99 bpm, prompting him to step back in order to regain composure. He has to calm down to prevent getting into a big argument about how she doesn’t respect him. This, in turn, typically leads to his second level of proof.

2. I tried to be respectful by staying calm and not telling her she was disrespectful.

To prevent escalation, he withdraws. He goes quiet since saying something will lead to a fight, and he’s already emotionally amped up by her disrespect, so as an honorable man, he does the respectful thing by disengaging to prevent himself from feeling provoked. He goes off to calm down.

He is like most husbands. He reacts when feeling disrespected. He reacts negatively. He reacts in ways that sound and appear to her as loving. However, he isn’t consciously and willfully trying to be unloving at that moment. He isn’t thinking and feeling, “This is my chance to be cruel and unloving by withdrawing and stonewalling.

Sadly, she doesn’t understand why he withdraws and stonewalls, so she chases him down to talk. This leads him needing to exit to show her this method doesn’t work among friends. There is too much criticism and complaint about too many issues. They can talk later, if at all, since, in his mind, they should drop much of this, forget it, and move on.

3. In shock, she told me I was unloving for not talking to her but ignoring her.

She finds him and tells him he is the most unloving man on the planet and that he hates her. Only a man who hates his wife would walk away from her when she’s telling him something that concerns her.

Yes, at such moments he recognizes that to her this feels unloving, but she should know that’s not his goal. She should know he reacts to what he feels she started. All the men in his world know why he withdraws and stonewalls: to protect the relationship. 

All he wishes for is a little more respect and an apology when dishonoring him with her disrespect. But his wife does not pick up on this message. When the Crazy Cycle kicks in, she thinks, “He doesn’t love me. He wishes he could leave me, abandoning me to be alone. He sees me as unlovable.

From her perspective, this conflict seems like another opportunity for him to tell her he doesn’t love her, and really hasn’t loved her. However, in his view, this conflict is a chance for her to say, “I am sorry for dishonoring you. I was wrong.”

4. I felt even more disrespected.

In hearing that he is to blame for being unloving, he feels even more disrespected and that he can never be good enough. He throws up his hands.

How else can he interpret things? His wife is wrong. He doesn’t want to throw her under the bus since he knows she is a good, caring person, but he is worn out from her message that he isn’t a good, caring person. In his humble opinion, she is unfair and dishonoring, and this is the reason for their marital conflicts and problems. If she were more respectful, they’d have an enjoyable relationship, or so he believes.

His Reflection

As he reflects on these four levels, he knows that he is right and she is wrong. He isn’t trying to be right; he just knows that he is. She is disrespectful, and he is not unloving.

However, what if he acted differently moving forward?

No Character Assassination: What if he shared his feelings of feeling disrespected in certain situations, without attacking her as a disrespectful human being and without saying it in ways that sound unloving to her?

Appeal to Her Strength: What if he shared his feelings of being disrespected from the standpoint that she is so important to him that he feels vulnerable and in need of her ability to gift him with her respect? By that he does not mean respecting unrespectable behavior but respectfully addressing those issues with him, a man created in God’s image. Even though he falls short, can she refrain from displaying an attitude of contempt, which overwhelms him and because his default as a man is to protect himself by pulling away, which isn’t fair to her?

Affirm Goodwill: What if he shared his feelings of being disrespected but that he knows she has goodwill and isn’t trying to be disrespectful, as he has goodwill and isn’t trying to be unloving?

Ask for Coaching: What if he asked for her coaching on how both of them can make a minor adjustment, which would be decoding the Crazy Cycle when it starts to spin and refrain from assigning blame on the other for causing it?

What if he asked for her insight on how both could pause and take a breath when the Crazy Cycle starts so that neither adds fuel to the fire, like him reacting in a way that feels unloving to her or she reacting in a way that feels disrespectful to him?

Invite Mutual Empathy: What if he asked her how each could be more empathetic, with him understanding that she isn’t trying to be disrespectful but often is feeling unloved, any more than he is trying to be unloving when feeling disrespected? 

Neither is Wrong, Just Different

As we conclude this series, I want to emphasize here an axiom I proclaim regularly: neither is wrong, just different. After all, Jesus said that God created us male and female. Pink and blue. Not wrong, just different. If the issue isn’t one of immorality—and again, I assert that the vast majority of a husband and wife’s conflicts are not—then most often the tension arises from an honest difference of viewpoint based on pink and blue’s interpretation rooted in the love and respect dynamic. 

Husband, is the Lord asking you to apply what Peter wrote: “You husbands . . . live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7)? Might you understand she does not aim to be disrespectful but longs for your love? 

Wife, is the Lord inviting you to meditate on a couple of scriptures? King David shut down on his wife when “she was contemptuous of him in her heart” (2 Samuel 6:16). Or in Esther, the apprehension among the men was that the wives would “make their own husbands despicable in their sight . . . [with] plenty of contempt and anger” (Esther 1:17-18). Perhaps David and these husbands overreacted. But if he has a vulnerability and fear comparable to a wife fearing her husband won’t love her, might you decode he does not aim to be unloving but fears your contempt toward who he is as a human being, which often explains his behavior? 

Neither is wrong, just different. And both of you have a role to play in keeping off of the Crazy Cycle.