“I’m Right and My Spouse Is Wrong, So It’s Not My Job to Get Us Off the Crazy Cycle!” - Part 2

In part 1, we made the argument that oftentimes, because of her pink perspective, a wife sees only that her husband has been unloving, not that she has been disrespectful, and if she does see her disrespect, she blames it on her husband’s unloving treatment. He is the cause of the Crazy Cycle, not her. 

In the same way, because of his blue perspective, a husband sees only that his wife has been disrespectful, not that he has been unloving, and if he does see his lack of love, he blames it on his wife’s disrespect. She is to blame for the craziness, not him. 

They do not detect that when feeling deprived of love and respect, they end up depriving their spouse of the same, which keeps the Crazy Cycle spinning. They fuel the fire with the very same unloving and disrespectful reactions. They do this because each fixates on four levels of proof that they are the ones who are right. In his mind, his blue perspective has to be the correct one, whereas she is confident that her pink vantage point is superior. They each have all the “proof” they need.

In part 2 we will discuss pink’s “proof” that she is right, and in part 3 we will break down blue’s so-called evidence. 

Pink's Perspective and Proof

Because a wife primarily sees through the lens of love, she knows that she seeks to be loving and caring as a woman. And, she knows that he falls short of being loving, at least as loving as she is as a woman. All the women in her world echo this. So, she knows she is right and he is wrong for the lack of love. Her hurt feelings make her certain. 

The wife fixates on four levels of proof she is right.

1. My husband was unloving. 
2. I tried to do the loving thing by pointing out what he did that was unloving. 
3. Shocked, I heard him tell me I was disrespectful. 
4. I felt even more unloved. 

With these four levels of proof, she comes to the reasonable conclusion (in her pink mind) that her husband is the reason for their marital conflicts and problems. If he were more loving, they would have a great marriage, or so she tells herself.

Reflecting on Her Beliefs and Alternative Approaches

1. My husband was unloving.

For example, she had complained about feeling out of shape and unhealthy, so he bought her a recipe book to cook healthier meals. But she feels hurt, rejected, unacceptable, and loved conditionally. In disbelief, she hears the message, “Look like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, or I will not love or like you.” When she experiences feelings of being unloved, these emotions take center stage in her heart and mind, leaving her somewhat overwhelmed and incredulous. Bottom line: he is unloving for buying her a diet book so she can be a trophy wife.

2. I tried to do the loving thing by pointing out what he did that was unloving.

She moves toward him to talk about her hurt feelings, as the mature thing to do in marriage, and as a loving person. Though hurt, she seeks to tend and mend, opening her heart to him. She tells him that he bought that recipe book because he is embarrassed to be with her due to her appearance. His love feels conditional. She would not stop loving him if he did not look like Atlas. After venting, she feels a little better and expects him to reassure her and apologize. However, he withdraws, leaving her emotionally stunned. She aims to awaken him to her feeling of being treated unlovingly.

3. Shocked, I heard him tell me I was disrespectful.

During the talk, she is stunned when he tells her she is talking to him disrespectfully and no one else talks to him this way. Everybody respects him but her. He doesn’t deserve the disrespect. Unfortunately, he’s not attuned to the deeper yearnings of her heart—the need for reassurance, love, and a profound connection with him. He doesn’t get it. She needs to escalate to show up on his marital radar screen, unloading her pent-up feelings with a barrage of criticisms and complaints. He interprets her actions as trying to convey, “I fundamentally lack respect for you.” Sadly, the Crazy Cycle kicks into full spin.

4. I felt even more unloved.

In hearing that she is disrespectful and the problem, she is crushed and feels even more unloved, abandoned, and alone. 

Yes, she knows she can sound disrespectful, but he should know that’s not her goal. He should know she is reacting to his unloving actions. Her message is clear: Be loving, and apologize for being unloving, and make some changes.

Can he not discern that he is the reason for their marital conflicts and problems? If he were more loving, they’d have a great marriage.

Her Reflection

As she reflects on these four levels, she knows she is right and her husband is wrong. She isn’t trying to be right; she just knows that she is, and she knows he is wrong.

However, what if she acted differently moving forward?

No Character Assassination: What if she shared her feelings of feeling unloved in certain situations, without attacking him as an unloving human and without saying it in ways that sound disrespectful?

Appeal to His Strength: What if she shared her feelings of being unloved from the standpoint that he is so important to her that she feels vulnerable and in need of his strength, love, and reassurance, rather than she feels this way because he is weak and cruel?

Affirm Goodwill: What if she shared her feelings of being unloved but that she knows he has goodwill and isn’t trying to be unloving, as she has goodwill and isn’t trying to be disrespectful?

Ask for Coaching: What if she asked for his coaching on how both of them can make a minor adjustment, which would be decoding the Crazy Cycle when it starts to spin and refrain from assigning blame on the other for causing it?

What if she asked for his insight on how both could pause and take a breath when the Crazy Cycle starts so that neither adds fuel to the fire, like her reacting in a way that feels disrespectful to him or he reacts in a way that feels unloving to her?

Invite Mutual Empathy: What if she asked him how each could be more empathetic, with her understanding that he isn’t trying to be unloving when feeling disrespected any more than she is trying to be disrespectful when feeling unloved? 

She was not wrong for feeling unloved by his purchase of the diet book. But neither was he wrong for his attempt to help his wife with something he felt she was bothered by. Nevertheless, far too often two goodwilled, “not wrong” spouses end up on the Crazy Cycle when the one initially offended goes from zero to 60 with their response. 

The Husband's Role

But what if the wife in this scenario made an intentional effort to not assassinate her husband’s character but instead appealed to his strength, affirmed his goodwill, asked for coaching on how both can make minor adjustments, and invited mutual empathy? Though she was not wrong for being hurt, did she still have a significant role in helping to keep them off of the Crazy Cycle?

Absolutely.

And so does the husband who truly believes he is right and his wife is wrong. Even as the one originally offended, he too has a role in helping to keep them off of the Crazy Cycle. We’ll talk about that in part 3.