Five Strategies to Achieving Win-Win in Marriage

Truth be told, the vast majority of disagreements that arise between husband and wife are what I call disagreements in the gray areas of life. Meaning there is not a clear, black-and-white answer to who is right and who is wrong. 

For example, a black-and-white disagreement might be one over a morality issue. He believes it’s okay to look at pornography, while she vehemently disagrees. But Jesus was quite clear on the issue when He said, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Another example of a black-and-white disagreement would be one over an ethical situation. Perhaps she is prone to fib on their taxes concerning the amount the couple donated to nonprofit charities, but he is not willing to turn a blind eye on the matter. Once again, Jesus said on the matter, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s” (Matthew 22:21). As well, to cheat on one’s taxes is clearly a form of lying, which is condemned by the eighth commandment.

But most of our disagreements in marriage are not on issues such as these, are they? Instead, our disagreements arise from the gray areas of life, where compromises must be sought and a win-win scenario can undoubtedly be found between two goodwilled spouses. 

If you find yourself in a gray-area disagreement with your spouse, don’t fret. That is okay! First Corinthians 7:28 tells us that those who marry will have trouble. Disagreements are unavoidable. The goal should not be to abstain from having any disagreements, because that will only lead to disappointment, I promise you. Instead, we should seek to find win-win when disagreements arise, and to do so without allowing the gray-area disagreement to turn into a black-and-white conflict. What I mean is that it is okay to disagree on whether or not you want to build a jumping ramp for your skateboarding son, since there is a chance of injury, but you can’t allow the disagreement to lead to unloving and disrespectful accusations about “unhealthy helicopter parenting” or “reckless and unnecessarily stupid choices.”

When disagreements in the gray areas arise, consider the following five strategies to help lead you and your spouse to a win-win resolution:

Identify your deepest concerns: When tension arises between you and your spouse, will you be willing and able to identify each's interests? Yes, it may be about building a jumping ramp for your ten-year-old son, where she says no and he says yes, but what is the most profound interest or concern? Is it about the cost of time and labor, and you differ about the budget? Or does she fear a broken neck and not being able to live with herself for the rest of her life, so she feels it is better to be safe than sorry, whereas, he takes the position "nothing ventured, nothing gained"? 

Promote your concern without attacking your spouse's concern: There is nothing wrong with advocating based on our self-interests. We can do this, though, without denouncing our spouse's interests. We can be assertive about our position, but we must simultaneously extend empathy for their concern. In the gray areas, neither is wrong, just different.

Avoid being right at the top of one's voice: The challenge for all of us when promoting our concern is to remain cool, calm, and collected. Let the truth carry its own weight. It need not be emphasized with a loud and disrespectful tone. When we let our immaturity and selfishness coerce our spouse in consenting to our plan, we have moved from influencing our spouse's heart and mind to controlling and manipulating their decision.

Take the necessary time to propose and counterpropose: There are two extremes to avoid in the gray-area disagreements. Some too quickly give into their spouse under the pretense that they are peacemakers, when in fact it could be that they are compromising prematurely on something too important to relinquish. Or on the opposite end, some force a decision quickly to get their way, doing so by threatening and bullying. Neither will lead to win-win, because one will have achieved 100 percent of what they were seeking and the other will have compromised 100 percent of all they were looking for.

Keep the goal in mind: Win-win means that we seek to get what we want by serving our spouse to get what they desire. It need not be an either-or proposition but a both-and result. 

Don’t let the gray-area disagreements turn into black-and-white conflicts. I believe you and your spouse are two goodwilled people who love and respect each other greatly. Seek ways to turn your disagreement into a win-win resolution!