Do You Erupt with Anger Even When There Was No Malicious Intent to Begin With?

Think back to your last few arguments with your spouse. The times when something he or she did or said really set you off. Maybe you were fuming mad, even if for only a few moments. Perhaps you stirred angry in bed or vented with your friend about how upset you had become with your spouse.

Maybe your spouse didn’t even know you were mad. Nevertheless you wasted half a day convinced he or she was determined to make you miserable and only the gift of time and distance finally allowed you to settle down.

Now ask yourself: Was there even malicious intent behind your spouse’s words or actions that had made you so angry, or did you allow a simple mistake from a goodwilled person to cause you to erupt with anger unnecessarily?

Can you relate to this wife who wrote to me?

I’ve asked my husband multiple times previously to be more quiet in the mornings so as not to wake our one-year-old when he gets up for work. 

This morning his alarm went off earlier than usual and it woke up our daughter. My husband innocently thought it was time for everyone to get up, not knowing it went off early. Even so, I was furious. How dare he after I've told him how many times?!

Every parent can relate. Most of us would rather stir a sleeping bear before waking our finally resting baby! So to wake everyone up earlier than necessary, including the baby . . . indeed, that would be frustrating for anyone. 

But is an innocent mistake with an alarm—something we’ve all been guilty of at times in our life—cause for someone to become “furious,” as this wife described herself? Is it reason to risk a few spins on the Crazy Cycle, where feeling unloved, she reacts disrespectfully, and feeling disrespected, he reacts unlovingly?

I’ve said for years that our spouse does not cause us to become angry. Rather, the situation reveals the anger already inside us. For example, when my newlywed wife, Sarah, drank water from a juice glass filled with water during the night when she woke up thirsty, and unknowingly swallowed my contact lens that I had placed in the glass without her knowing, I erupted with anger toward her: “You did WHAT? How COULD you? Sarah, how could anyone do something like this? You DRANK my contact!”

But did Sarah actually cause me to become as angry as I did? No, of course not. It was an innocent mistake, which was more my fault anyways, since I was the one who had forgotten my contact lens case and used juice glasses instead without telling her. But the situation revealed the anger inside me already. And I went off on my wife, when there was no malicious intent on her part to begin with.

Eventually, I calmed down and began feeling foolish for going off like that. Within the hour, I was asking Sarah for forgiveness and praying with her about it.

As well, the wife with the sleeping baby was able to allow cooler heads to prevail. She wrote:

I was muttering and fuming under my breath when I heard you say, “Remember your husband is a man of goodwill. When he makes mistakes it’s okay and not usually a deliberate and calculating attack.” 

I was immediately arrested by my poor attitude and thoughts. 

Of course my husband wasn’t hell bent on waking up our child or wringing his hands in delight at the thought of me missing out on sleep. My level of fury did not match the humble attitude of a wife who knows her husband is human and makes mistakes sometimes. Plus, why was I letting the enemy rob me of my joy and being with my daughter while my husband realized he could sleep in an extra fifteen minutes? 

I should be happy for him and forgive this small mistake/accident AND enjoy a fun breakfast with my daughter instead of being irritated and mad . . . waiting eagerly to give him a piece of my mind. 

I was struck by my vengeful and condescending thought plotting. 

Reading this material has illuminated my ungodly attitude and some destructive communication patterns I've been accustomed to welding. Certainly not the way you’d talk to the love of your life and best friend. 

I prayed right then and asked God to forgive me and then I later asked my husband to forgive me too. I felt SO much lighter. And I had a lovely and peaceful morning!

Praise God! Oh how I wish we could all realize in the moment that our spouse isn’t “hell bent” on making us miserable and be quick to “forgive this small mistake/accident.” How many spins on the Crazy Cycle could be avoided if we simply remembered our spouse’s goodwill and were quick to forgive innocent mistakes?