A Husband with Healthy Self-Love Will Display Such Love Toward His Wife: An Assessment

In Ephesians 5:28, we read, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.” Clearly there is a command here for the husband to love his wife—specifically, to agape-love his wife, or love her unconditionally. But does the writer, Paul, give us any tips on how a husband is to love his wife without condition? Yes, it’s right there in the same verse. He is to love his wife “as [his] own body.” He is to love her as he “loves himself.”

There is a lot of talk these days about self-love and self-care. How do you treat yourself? How do you feel about yourself? How do you show love to yourself? It is not my intention to speak on this exact topic here; however, an important point should be made that relates to Paul’s command for the husband to love his wife as he “loves himself.” Having a healthy self-love or healthy self-esteem is not an end in itself for self-adulation and personal significance; rather, it is a means to love others, including how a husband is to agape-love his wife. 

A husband’s self-love serves as a light that illuminates him on how to love his wife. I suppose you might say that only the husband who likes himself in the way that God intended, loves his wife in the way in which God commands him to love her. His healthy self-love or self-esteem figures out how to do that.

In short, if a husband’s self-love as a man and husband is healthy, then I believe he is primed to display such love toward his wife. 

With this in mind, I have provided here a brief self-assessment of a husband’s healthy self-esteem. Men, I strongly encourage you to take a few moments to honestly answer the below assessment questions regarding the love you should show to your wife simply because it is also the way you wish to be loved as well. If you are truly being honest, you may not like some of the answers you circle. However, you are not helping yourself or your wife by putting down inaccurate answers that do not represent fully how well you love your wife. Yes, you love your wife—I honestly believe that—but where might you need improvement in loving her unconditionally? The below assessment will provide for you some clues.

A. How Well Do You Agape-Love Your Wife Regarding Your Differences?

1. Acceptance of temperament: Just as I expect others to accept my differing temperament and personality, so I accept my wife’s different hardwiring. 

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

2. Respectful communication: Just as I need to be talked to respectfully when addressing differences, so I talk respectfully to my wife when addressing differences. 

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

3. Benefit of the doubt: Just as I expect others to give me the benefit of the doubt during conflicts, so I give my wife the benefit of the doubt.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

B. How Well Do You Agape-Love Your Wife Regarding Her Individuality?

1. Honoring boundaries: Just as I need others to honor my space and boundaries, so my wife does, and I seek to help her establish these and then honor them.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

2. Focusing on strengths: Just as I have strengths that I desire to be acknowledged and utilized, so my wife has strengths that I acknowledge and utilize. 

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

3. Celebrating accomplishments: Just as I expect a degree of rejoicing in my achievements, so I rejoice with my wife when she achieves.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

4. Meaningful friendships: Just as I need and enjoy friendship with others, so my wife needs quality time with her friends for enjoyment, which I encourage.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

C. How Well Do You Agape-Love Your Wife Regarding Interpersonal Negativity?

1. Hostility and contempt: Just as I expect to be treated without hostility and contempt, so I treat my wife without hostility and contempt.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

2. Enduring the annoying: Just as I work on enduring irritating people around me, so I allow my wife the grace to work on enduring annoying people. 

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

3. Complaints and criticism: Just as I do not respond well to chronic complaints and criticisms, so I refrain from complaints and criticism of my wife, though we both know we need constructive critique ever so often. 

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

D. How Well Do You Agape-Love Your Wife Regarding Her Shortcomings?

1. Patience toward weaknesses: Just as I am imperfect and a work-in-progress and need patient acceptance, so my wife is imperfect and a work-in-progress—though in areas that differ from mine—and therefore receives my patient acceptance.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

2. Vulnerabilities and flaws: Just as I am painfully aware of my weaknesses and work on them, though different from my wife’s, so I am aware she is aware of her own weaknesses and working on them.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

3. Empathy and support: Just as I value when others show empathy and support to me when I have challenges, so I seek to empathize and support my wife’s need for support with her struggles, though they are different from mine.

• This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow.
• This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement.
• This describes me very well, and my wife would agree.

Reflection

Did you circle “This does not describe me at all, and I have much room in which to grow” for any of the above? 

If so, I salute you for your honesty. It is not easy to admit areas in which we need a great deal of improvement. Instead of being discouraged from your failures, be encouraged by the humility you have shown. Use this as a sort-of adrenaline boost to start afresh and begin loving your wife in this way. The good news is that you do not need to be convinced of the benefit of loving your wife in this way; for you have already admitted that you desire to be loved in this way too. So simply go love your wife as you love yourself!

Did you circle “This describes me a little, but there is still room for improvement” for any of the above? 

I suspect this may have been your most common answer. My challenge to you, regarding these areas, is to ask your wife how you could improve in this area. For example, “I know that neither of us is perfect, and both will always be a work-in-progress here on earth. While I definitely admit that I need your patience as I go through my ups and downs in life, I know that I do not always offer you the same kind of patience that I desire from you. Could you share with me, in a loving and respectful way, the ways in which I could stand to improve being more patient with you? I love you dearly, and it hurts me to think that I could shut you down and crush your spirit when I am not as patient with you as I should be.” This may not be easy, but few rewarding things in life are. But trust me, men, this kind of honest vulnerability will energize your wife and strengthen your marriage like nothing else!

Did you circle “This describes me very well, and my wife would agree” for any of the above?

Again, you should be commended! Indeed, there is a beauty in how God has gifted each of us differently. We all have strengths where others have weaknesses, as well as weaknesses where others have strengths. This is how we encourage and support one another within the body of Christ! Of course, since you said that your wife would agree, then I would ask that you inquire with her whether that is true. It could be possible that, though you feel you regularly make every effort to love your wife in this way, it could be that something has been “lost in translation.” After all, you are loving her while observing it all through your blue sunglasses, listening through your blue hearing aids, and speaking into your blue megaphone. Your wife, however, doesn’t see the world as blue but through shades of pink. Could it be possible that she is not seeing some of your attempts to love her as yourself the same way you do? That would be good to know, don’t you agree?