Can the Successful Businessman Learn the Skills to Have a Successful Marriage Too?

I have spoken to and counseled countless numbers of extremely successful professionals—Fortune 500 company executives, NFL coaches and general managers, professional athletes, church ministry leaders, and many others at the top of their game. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of those I have met, even those who would consider themselves more “middle management” or “blue-collar,” would still say they have been successful at not only their jobs but in the relationships within them. They  have the respect of their employers, employees, and co-workers; and because of the positive relationships and teamwork at their place of work, they and the business have succeeded.

But then they come home to their spouse and everything is different. Can you relate?

I once asked a hard-working successful law enforcement officer who had been finding more success in his work relationships than he did at home with his wife: “Why do you think that two successful people struggle with applying in the home what they applied outside the home with incredible success? Consider his highly insightful response:

Before I retired I was the criminal deputy, which means I oversaw operations—which included the patrol division (sergeants and deputies), and detectives (sergeants and detectives who mostly investigated major crimes like homicide, rape, child abuse etc), and SWAT command (active shooter cases). I also handled the media. This was an appointed position. I had the honor of being selected by three different sheriffs over my career. All that baloney to say that at work I had the respect of the folks I supervised. 

As you might suspect, it was also mostly men. I worked incredibly hard to treat everyone with respect, and in our agency we functioned with every eye toward integrity. As a result, not only did I have the respect of the troops but they respected each other. It was a fantastic place to work.   

Bring that full circle to your question. Why does this not happen at home? It is complex.   

For one, I was mostly working with men. There was a foundation of respect among the ranks and leaders where I worked. They understood that even though they may not like (or agree with) all my decisions, I would always allow dissenting comments and I would respect their suggestions and accept many of them. But ultimately they knew that their voice was heard, and as a result they were able to move on and accepted the decision.  

As well, they rarely personalized the conflicts. They understood it was not about them, and more about getting a task accomplished, realizing there are many ways to approach a challenge and it was leadership's responsibility to be the one to make that decision.  

Why does it not work as smoothly at home? Because we allow ourselves to drop our guard and let loose with fleshly feelings of irritability, when the other person does something we do not like, or something that offends us. (We lose sight of understanding that our response is our responsibility.) 

At home we have a tendency to hold on to old wounds and keep them in the back of our minds as justification for why we should be distant, cold, or defensive.  

I could not have explained it better myself! Keep in mind, based on his own admissions, this was not a conflict-free, harmonious work environment: 

• They did not always like or agree with his decisions.
• They had dissenting opinions of their own, which they voiced to him.
• They had conflicts concerning how to accomplish tasks.
• He still made the final decision, even when it was not consensual.
• Not to mention the 24/7 high-level stress that comes with law enforcement. 

And yet he said, “It was a fantastic place to work.” How could this possibly be, with all the stress, conflict, and differing opinions?

Did you notice my not-so-subtle hints in bold? The reason he could honestly still call this a fantastic place to work was because the precinct had a culture of respect throughout its staff.

I have made the point for many years that men and women need love and respect equally. However, in times of conflict a woman’s deepest felt need is to feel loved and a man’s deepest felt need is to be respected. Both Scripture and secular research confirm this. Therefore, in the case of this law enforcement officer, though his workplace was filled with stress and conflict, he knew that he had the respect of his co-workers and they (the majority being male themselves) were confident that he fully respected them. The deepest felt need for all the males in the office—respect—continued to be met despite the conflicts that constantly surrounded them.

But what happens when those men go home to their wives? As this officer said, “We allow ourselves to drop our guard and let loose with fleshly feelings of irritability, when the other person does something we do not like, or something that offends us.” In addition, the wife’s deepest felt need is not respect like his co-workers, but love—a language he does not naturally speak. As well, his wife who views the world through the lense of love does not recognize his need to feel respected, especially when in conflict. So when even a fraction of the stress and conflict that he and his male co-workers manage successfully through hits home, the two of them are off on the Crazy Cycle because they’re not understanding each other’s language or their needs. The Crazy Cycle says “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love.”

He also said about his male co-workers that they “rarely personalized the conflicts. They understood it was not about them, and more about getting a task accomplished.” And why are they able to do this so well? Because they all speak the same language! They intuitively understand exactly what the issue is, and any difference of opinions that may arise is not made out to be personal; they are simply different views on how the different parties prefer to handle the conflict. 

The guys can do this because of the compartmentalized way that God designed them. They’re able to contain every little conflict that arises within a situation so that it remains in its own compartment. It doesn’t become personal for them. They can be on completely different sides on, say, whether to focus their marketing on radio or online ads, but then still go out for a drink after work together.

Their wives were not designed that way, however. They are more likely to take these things personally. That’s not wrong of them to do, just different. It’s the way God made them. So husbands simply need to be aware of this when in conflict with their wives. Assure them of your love for them. Let them know you still cherish them. This is what Peter meant he instructed husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

Guys, your wife is not your male co-worker, and I’m quite confident you are glad about that. You became as successful in your business as you did because you took the necessary time to learn the skills and know-how to work well with everyone your business requires you to deal with. Can you learn to apply the same strategy in your relationship with your wife? 

Learn the skills and know-how it takes to work well and find win-win with your wife. The law-enforcement officer who wrote to me said about what he and his wife are learning to do at home: “We are learning that if we can be disciplined enough to pause and take a deep breath and actually listen to each other’s thoughts and value them, that we will finally arrive at a mutually satisfied solution.”

You can do this. Learn her language. Lovingly teach her how to understand yours. And why should you do this? Besides achieving the successful win-win marriage I know you desire, look at what Peter said: “so that your prayers will not be hindered.” Learning to do this affects even the supernatural!