Are You Manipulating Him or Motivating Him?

Have you ever gotten the results you wanted but not in the way you wanted them, and as a result you were not as satisfied as you had hoped you’d be at that point? 

For example, your goal was for your son to clean up his messy room, which he did. You should be happy, right? Why aren’t you? Because you had to nag him all day, you yelled at him after you realized he had been in his room for two hours and hadn’t cleaned a thing yet, then you helped him get started by showing him where to put everything. Is his room finally clean? Yes. But every mom would understand why you’re still not happy about it. What would truly make you happy is if he cleaned his room every weekend on his own, without your reminding. That’s the ultimate goal!

Oftentimes in marriage, a husband or wife may get the result they wanted from their spouse but are still left unhappy. Perhaps she “wins” the fight about where to send the kids to school but all is far from good. Or he convinced her to submit to his financial decision that she did not agree with, but the tension between them remains thick.

The Danger of Manipulation in Marriage

Why is still no one happy, not even the one who got their way? For the man who bullies his way through a decision and demands he gets to make the executive decision, he won’t be happy for long because what he truly desires is for his wife to respectfully say, “Even though I don’t see eye to eye with you, honey, I trust you and know you are a good man simply trying to make the best decisions for his family. Since 51 percent of the responsibility lies with you, then 51 percent of the authority goes to you as well.” Instead, he demanded that she go along with his decision, she’s not happy about it, and next time they have a similar disagreement, things will more than likely go just as rough as they did this time.

Wives, though, don’t usually bully their way through a disagreement. Rather they manipulate their husbands, like this wife who wrote me:

I am very strong willed and God has shown me that my motivation to get my husband to love me has turned into manipulation. I manipulate every conflict so that my husband leaves the conversation thinking he doesn’t love me and he is a complete failure. I have mastered getting him to not focus on my disrespect but to focus on his lack of love. I have made him think that my shortcomings are his fault because he didn’t lead me well enough and he doesn’t act in love towards me. I have compared him to other men that I believed were better husbands. I would say “I am not trying to be disrespectful but...”  I’ve become so good at it that it’s just second nature and I am completely blind to my disrespect towards him. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t working for me. Though at the end of most conflicts I “win,” disrespecting my husband has caused him to not even want to lead me. He actually told me the other day that he has no desire to lead me. He isn’t worthy enough to lead me. I have completely deflated my husband. I didn’t just step on his air hose, I tied that sucker in a million knots and there is no chance of him getting anything in his respect tank. This step has reminded me that he will not love me the way I want to be loved if I don’t focus on my role to be respectful. He has no motivation to fill my love tank because his tank is so depleted he can’t function properly as a man, let alone a husband. 

Like every wife before her, she simply wants her husband to love her, to fill her love tank. This is her deepest felt desire, especially when in conflict, and is why Paul specifically commands husbands to agape-love their wives (Ephesians 5:33). Though we all need love and respect equally, an empty love tank is what leaves a woman feeling the most vulnerable.

But what has this wife turned to so as to get her husband to love her better? Manipulation. In her words, “I manipulate every conflict so that my husband leaves the conversation thinking he doesn’t love me and he is a complete failure. I have mastered getting him to not focus on my disrespect but to focus on his lack of love.”

Has this helped in getting her love tank filled? No. She wrote, “Though at the end of most conflicts I ‘win,’ disrespecting my husband has caused him to not even want to lead me. He actually told me the other day that he has no desire to lead me. He isn’t worthy enough to lead me. I have completely deflated my husband.”

The Power of Respect

So what works then? How can a wife best ensure that her husband meets her deepest felt need—love? By focusing not on her need but on his—respect. When she makes the decision to no longer manipulate him into loving her but to simply begin showing him the respect he longs for, I predict he will be motivated to meet her desire for love. I wrote in my book Love & Respect:

A good illustration of how respect can motivate a man is found in our armed forces—the military. Because I attended a military academy from eighth grade to twelfth grade, I have had an interest in basic principles of military leadership. For instance, my observation is that great leaders motivated their troops through unconditional honor. Envision a US Marine general speaking to his men after observing them in training maneuvers that did not go too well. “Men, I believe in you more than you believe in yourselves. Get your heads up. Look at me. I admire you more than you admire yourselves. Your performance stunk today, but I see more potential in this fighting unit than any in the world. Where you will be in six months will result in the world hearing of this fighting unit, and I am taking you there.”

When a general respects his men and believes in them more than they believe in themselves, these soldiers want to improve, they want to get better, they want to fulfill that potential this general sees in them. Such men want to serve. Why do you think they call it the military “service”? . . .

I have counseled enough husbands to know the same kind of honor and loyalty that drives the military man is also in action in his home. Unfortunately, there are voices in our culture that have been saying, “Don’t show respect to men; they don’t deserve it. They’ll treat you in a subservient way, or they’ll abuse you and even kill you.” This is true of a certain number of men, but I believe it is a lie concerning the vast majority. A man who has basic goodwill will serve his wife and even die for her. (pp. 50-51)

If we would only stop and think about it for a moment, would a good God command wives to respect their husbands if it was not for her benefit too? Of course not. Though there are no guarantees when it comes to how sinful men and women will respond, more times than not, the wife who decides to no longer manipulate her husband but motivate him by meeting his desire for respect will give testimony like the wife who wrote me:

God has commanded me to respect my husband and I am now doing it because God asks me to, not even looking at whether my husband deserves it or not. Simply that God asks me to be this way and if I love Jesus the way I claim, then I will just do it. I am now having a positive regard toward his spirit while sharing my moments of feeling unloved. I have not manipulated the situation to work in my favor. I am now watching over my tendency to be disrespectful and purposing in my heart to be obedient to God’s Word in this area. My husband is responding positively to my efforts of telling him how and when I don’t feel loved. I am re-learning that he is not my enemy and he is not ill-willed. 

I call what this wife decided to undergo the Respect Test. Will you try it today? Will you meet your husband’s desire for respect not because he deserves it but because God commands you? When you do, let me know how it goes!