What Does Respect Look Like? 

The question we get asked most often from women is, “What does respect look like?” To which we often ask, “Do you know what disrespect looks like?” The answer is always, “Oh, yes! I got that down.” And we respond, “Then do less of that!” 

Now you may think that is an oversimplified answer, but it reveals a lot of truth. On the video, Sarah shared about the time when she realized there was underlying tension in her marriage to Emerson. After asking God to show her what was wrong, she shares the pivotal moment when she realized she had become negative in their home. Generally a friendly and positive person with her friends, she realized she had gradually become critical of Emerson and the children in her attempts to change them. Can you relate to that? Often we feel that we can “let our guard down” when we are in the privacy of our own home. But in our good-willed attempts to keep everything and everyone “in line” while wearing our many hats, our expectations of others and ourselves creates tension and stress that soon crosses the line into negativity and even contempt for those we love the most.

The only problem is, the God who is watching us be Jesus to our friends, is the same God who wants us to be Jesus in our home! 

Think back to when you dated your husband. Do you remember how you just wanted to be with your man? Did you do things that maybe you didn’t care too much about, because you cared about him? You just wanted to be with him, first and foremost. You listened as he shared his dreams; you encouraged him and smiled your approval and excitement. More than likely you spoke to him with a tone of adoration – not with the voice of a bossy mother. 

What has changed? We know you can point a finger here and immediately think of how he has changed…how he no longer shares his dreams with you, or no longer invites you to spend time with him. And if you are like most couples, you are both going in a million different directions with your jobs and kids. Yes, life happens. But let’s resist the temptation to point the finger away from ourselves, and take a look at what we can do to bring about positive change. 

We’re not talking about pursuing a fairytale here. The blissful days of courtship can’t go on forever – that’s impractical! But may we suggest that there are little things you can do to bring some of the friendliness back into your marriage? When was the last time you asked him what he was dreaming about, for example? Or showed an interest in what he’s interested in? 

Be A Friend

Concentrate on being a friend to him, as you were when you were dating. Ask yourself, “Does he have confidence that I am his good friend and that I like him as a person?” 

Sarah’s “light bulb moment” was when Emerson said, “Sarah, I know you love me, but I don’t think you like me.” She had to admit to herself in that moment that he was right. She didn’t like him and she didn’t like her children. She loved them, but she didn’t like them. But rather than giving up in despair and having a pity party, she made a vow to God to begin again and to change what she could. And that is what we invite you to do, starting today. 

We encourage you to begin with shoulder to shoulder friendship. This refers to just being together without an agenda to talk or interact. Most men enjoy shoulder to shoulder time more than women. It is a way that they "bond" or feel close to a buddy. Have you ever studied male friendship? Rarely do guys get together at a coffee shop to “just talk.” Usually their time with friends revolves around action rather than talking. This is why guys get together to watch sports on TV while having very little conversation other than comments on the game. Or, they enjoy having their wife in the same room either sharing an activity, or just being there without talking. For most women, this is difficult to understand because we feel connected and close as a result of verbal communication. But remember not wrong, just different? This principle is especially evident in how we do friendship. 

If you have noticed tension or distance in your relationship, learn to be your husband’s friend again. We believe you will eventually see a softening in his response to you. Over time, if you are consistent, he will view you as his friend and when there is friendship there is communication. As you focus on developing a friendship with him, he will want to be with you and will open up more. 

Now don't expect your husband to be a woman who desires to sit and talk each evening for a couple of hours. Many women, in their desire to connect and draw closer to their husbands, end up driving them away by using words that are demanding and critical. They actually push their husbands away because they come across disrespectfully, and no man feels fond feelings of love and affection for a woman he thinks does not like him. As a result, he spends more and more time away to have some peace. Even though she is crying out for love, she is actually pushing her husband away. Her methods are counterproductive. So although what we are asking you to do may sound unfair, in the long run you are more likely to achieve your deepest goals. 

Another way to change the atmosphere in your home is to focus on a friendlier, more positive approach as you interact on a daily basis. What we are talking about here is a simple approach that is often overlooked by women. For example, do you greet your husband every morning when you get up? How about when he comes in the door after you’ve both had a long day? How easy it is to just continue what you’re doing, ignoring his presence, or worse yet, start giving him “the list” of everything he needs to do to help you. Something as simple as saying “Hi, Honey” in a pleasant tone of voice can have a softening effect on your man if he is used to you mothering him or ignoring him. 

How You Say It

Would you agree that in communication, it’s often not what you say, but how you say it? “If looks could kill”…How many times have you heard that phrase? Sour looks, scornful looks, looks of disrespect kill the tender spirits inside men – and looks can kill a marriage. 

Your assignment last week was to look in the mirror and role play your response during a “crazy cycle moment.” What did you learn? If you are like most of us, your expression was less than friendly. Now of course we don’t expect you to be fake and look happy during conflict! But are you aware of your general facial expressions when you are interacting with your husband? Think about it. Many men see in that unconscious sour look contempt for who they are as men. We are not saying that these feelings are correct, only that this is how many men react to a wife’s facial language. 

Wives, guard against that sour look. It’s your own worst enemy. And just as harmful as a look can be, a tone of voice can be devastating. Be aware of how you look and sound to your husband. Even if your actual words are not so hurtful, your tone of voice and facial expressions can say it all. Annoying and disrespectful tones work at one level but sacrifice something on another level. A critical tone may work in the short term but in the long term it will hurt you and your marriage. Good ends are not achieved via bad means. One has to give in order to receive. That is God’s rule, not ours. 

Most of us can benefit from a softer expression, smiling more often, and just plain “lightening up.” Such simple efforts can make a big difference in creating a friendlier atmosphere in our homes. 

Ponder This

What’s really the issue here is your attitude. If your attitude toward your husband is disrespectful, it will be hard for you to hide it. Do you need an attitude adjustment? Matthew 15:18 says, “But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man.” 

Many wives don’t see why they should hide (or change) their negative attitudes. They believe their husbands will see it as a cry for love and will be able to decode it as such. But as we have said, most husbands don’t decode this. They are more apt to react by shrinking from you, deflating and shutting down. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” A woman who understands this is well along the way toward changing the destructive habits in her marriage. 

Being appreciative and verbalizing it is another simple way to show respect. Remember on the video how Joy shared that her friend said he felt respected when he heard “thank you”? Thanking your husband for wanting to protect and provide for you is one example. If a burglar broke into your home, would your husband expect you to protect him or would he be the first one to go into warrior mode? Most men we know would die for their wives if needed! In fact, even with all the talk in our culture about equality for women, if you have ever been on a cruise you know that the captain instructs people in case of a sinking ship with this directive: “Women and children first into the lifeboats!” In other words, the men are expected to die to protect them, if need be. Have you ever heard a woman object to that double standard? 

In Session 2 we shared how to slow down the Crazy Cycle. In conflict, go quiet instead of acting or reacting negatively (lower your voice, watch the sour look, bite the tongue of criticism and contempt). If you are a quiet person who walks away from conflict and your husband pursues you to “talk it out,” stay and calmly listen. Tell him you would like to think about all that he has said and you will continue the conversation when things have calmed down. Don’t forget that any hurts or anger that you keep inside need to be taken to the Lord in prayer so resentment and bitterness do not take root in your heart. 

In addition to slowing down the Crazy Cycle, this session shows you how to energize your husband. Being positive, encouraging, appreciative, and friendly will do that. As you do these things your husband’s spirit should begin to soften and you may be surprised at the loving things that he will begin to do. The Energizing Cycle says: His Love Motivates Her Respect. Her Respect Motivates His Love. 

Remember though, this is not about manipulating your husband to get what you want. This is about you putting on respect out of your reverence for Christ. This is about you honoring God and doing marriage His way. 

Let’s Do This! 

*1. Try energizing your husband with shoulder to shoulder activity. Do something with him without talking. Watch the news or his favorite sporting event (yes, even if you hate the sport, and don’t talk!), watch him play with the kids or fix the car, or whatever he likes to do. We suggest you do this for at least 20 minutes and if you don’t think you have time, consider this: If your girlfriend called in a crisis, would you have 20 minutes to talk with her? 

If he asks what you are doing, simply tell him you want to be with him. Again, don’t be upset by his teasing or sarcasm. Most men will comment with something like, “What do you want, more money?” Just laugh it off and lightly respond, “No, I was thinking about you and wanted to be with you.” 

Write down the shoulder to shoulder activity you did this week and how your husband responded. Consider sharing this with the group next week. 

2. This week we want you to role play in the mirror. Recall what you were feeling when your husband hurt you the last time and you reacted disrespectfully. Replay your facial expressions and tone. Listen to yourself and watch yourself. Don’t be afraid to do this. Effective communicators do this. Such an exercise can be very enlightening. Write down what you discovered. 

Honestly evaluate yourself. How is your tone at home? Your facial expressions? Your attitude? Do you talk to your girlfriends the same way? What do you need to work on? 

*3. On the video, Sarah shares that Emerson said “I know you love me, but I don’t think you like me.” Does your husband think you like him? Are you willing to ask him? This week, tell him you like him. Keep it short and simple. Just say, “I like you” or “I like being with you.” Journal your thoughts about doing this and what happened when you did. Will you make a commitment to say this periodically? 

Let’s Reflect 

Humbly ask the Lord to reveal to you the things you need to change in your attitude and behavior to be friendlier at home. Remember, when we ask the Lord to speak to us, He will! Journal below what He revealed to you and how you plan to make these changes. 

Praise Report 

What successes do you have to celebrate this week? 

Practical Ideas

To try – then add your own. 

• Be his cheerleader - encourage him 
• Ask him about his dreams and don’t shoot them down 
• Be friendly, be friendly, be friendly 
• Tell him he is strong 
• Thank him for going to work 
• Honor his authority in front of the kids, differ in private 
• Thank him for his advice and knowledge 
• Let him fix things & applaud his solution orientation 
• Tell him you need a listening ear, not a solution 
• Tell him you are deeply touched that he’d die for you 
• Watch him do something he enjoys, and don’t talk (shoulder to shoulder) 
• Do something with him that he enjoys, and don’t talk (shoulder to shoulder) 
• Tell him you like him 
• Smile at him 
• Initiate sex and respond more often 
• Greet him at the door & tell him you are glad he is home 
• Tell him you respect him (have specific examples ready) 
• Soften your tone and expression 
• When you are on the crazy cycle, go quiet