Exceptions to the Love and Respect Pattern

At times we receive mail or personal inquiries at our conferences to the effect: "We don't fit your description of husband and wife. She is the one who stonewalls, and he is the one who 'lets it all hang out.'” 

My answer is that cultural and personal applications can vary. I use general examples that apply to the majority, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if you fall into the minority. We are all uniquely different. 

My parents were a good example. My father would come at my mother ranting and raving in anger - confronting her because he wanted to communicate. She simply shut down and withdrew. Then he would withdraw also, and there would be icy silence for many hours and sometimes days. 

Both my parents wanted to connect with each other, but they could not out of ignorance or fear. Mom longed to connect with Dad (as every woman wants to connect with her husband), but she would pull back because she feared his anger. And Dad wanted to connect with Mom, but his feelings of being disrespected (she was the key breadwinner for many years) kept him in a state of frustration and anger. At the deepest core, however, my mother still was seeking love and my father was seeking respect. 

We get other inquiries regarding "exceptions." For example, a woman wrote to tell me that in certain aspects of personality her husband was more "pink" than "blue" and she was more "blue" than "pink." She was reared in a home dominated by her father's values: education, intelligence, strength, pride, and lack of emotions. She wrote: "Subsequently, as I became a woman, I thought that to be loved (the kind of love that would touch the core of my being), I had to seek recognition for all the things that came naturally to 'blue' instead of to 'pink.'" On the other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full of unconditional love. "So naturally," she continued, "[he] grew up with a HIGH regard for those very 'pink' tendencies that made him feel so complete and unconditionally loved." 

In short, this wife focused on "respect" in order to get love. Her husband focused on "love" in order to get respect. Until I helped them unpack their puzzle, she thought respect was her deepest value and he thought love was his deepest value. In truth, he was doing "the pink thing" to get respect, and she was doing "the blue thing" to be loved. 

The constants are this: during conflict, a woman’s deepest need is to feel loved and a husband’s deepest need is to feel respected. The variables are how each individual reacts and responds to conflict, out of their temperament or their past learned behavior. The key to effective marital communication is to learn how to unpack your unique puzzle! 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs 

Confronting Physical and Verbal Abuse

First of all, physical abuse is unacceptable. Love and Respect never advocates respecting abuse. Rather, we advocate confronting the abuse respectfully. 

If there is physical abuse, I would recommend respectful confrontation, but be sure to have someone with you if you fear your spouse’s reaction. 

You can say something like this: 

“Your physical abuse is unacceptable. There is no excuse. It is time to deal with this. I believe in you, this is why I married you. But you are not acting like the man of honor I believe you long to be. Until there are some changes, I would not be respecting you or myself if I remained in this relationship, so I need to separate until you let me know of your decision to seek help and for us to address these matters with a third party. You must learn how to manage your anger. We need to meet with professionals who can help both of us take steps to bring healing to our marriage and family.” 

If you are in harm’s way, you must get out of harm’s way and turn to a professional or an authority figure for help. In that case, you can send the above to him in a note. You must be prepared to follow through on the separation. But notice that this is done calmly and respectfully. He may not deserve your respect, but your contempt will only backfire. Disrespect will push him farther over the edge, whereas delivering this ultimatum with a respectful tone, without insulting him yet speaking the truth firmly, may get his attention. Then you MUST follow through with action or the situation will only escalate. 

Let me say something else about the above ultimatum. There are times when separation is biblical and necessary. I am not advocating divorce. But a wife is not helping – or respecting – her husband if she allows this behavior to continue. You cannot respect sinful behavior! Allowing it to continue is enabling sin and contributing to the problem. This is an important distinction and is critical to understand, so you can have the confidence before God that you are doing the right thing. On page 219 of the book Love & Respect, I write the following: 

We have already seen that Paul clearly teaches that there are times when wives should submit to their husbands as head of the household (see Ephesians 5:22-23). Does this mean that a wife must submit to something illegal, wrong, or evil? Should she go along with being beaten by her husband or watching him beat the children? Should she submit to his plans to do something dishonest or unethical? The clear scriptural answer is of course not, because that would be preposterous. When a man acts in this way, he is not a good-willed husband, and he forfeits his right to be head and to be followed. A wife's submission to God takes precedence over her submission to her husband. She is not to sin against Christ in order to defer to her husband. (Read the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11.) And sadly, let me add, a wife may need to physically separate from her husband (I Corinthians 7:11). There are times when a wife “must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). 

As far as verbal or emotional abuse, this is much more subjective. For example, I have found some women to define emotional abuse as “he refuses to talk to me.” But men will often stone wall or retreat because they see it as the honorable thing to do, rather than responding in anger. Other wives fail to see that they have instigated his verbally abusive responses by being verbally abusive towards him first, although they do not see their words as verbally abusive. Because she sees her tactics as motivated by concern she dismisses her own wrongdoing. That is why I always ask for clarification. For example, when a wife writes and says her husband is verbally or emotionally abusive, I say something like this: “So that I can best serve you, will you please give me your definition of verbal and emotional abuse? Along with your definition, give me two examples that typify when and how your husband is abusive. Include how the altercation started, who started it, what you said, and what he said. Please be as specific as possible.” 

Bottom line, if there is out of control verbal abuse by a husband, and there are guys out there who are full of rage and violence, I believe Paul is clear: let the wife leave but let her remain unmarried or be reconciled. In other words, divorce is not what Paul instructs. Paul had every opportunity to expand to violence as a reason for divorce. Paul knew that Proverbs describes the violent man in detail. Physical separation, getting out of harm's way, is the answer. 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs 

What If Your Husband Is a Workaholic?

I have counseled many wives whose husbands are workaholics of one degree or another. First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. I do, however, offer three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way. 

First, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? I know of a man who whistled and hummed on Monday mornings as he went joyfully to work. On Friday he did not whistle and hum as he came home for the weekend. When asked why, he said, “I have to be home over the weekend with my wife.” Now, it is quite possible that his wife did not cause him to work the long hours at first. But as the pattern went on, her loud and bitter complaints increased, and her negativity persuaded him to stay at work as long as possible. A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work. 

Secondly, if a change is to happen, whining or contempt will not draw him home. You need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. (Don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession.) Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect. 

Third, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your son (daughter, children) needs you at home more. You have a unique influence on him. In certain areas, nobody matters to him as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold him. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give him that part of you that no one else can give to him. Thanks.” 

After delivering your “we need you at home more” message, don’t repeat it for anywhere from ten to twenty days. Then mention it again, quietly and positively, with the general tone of “just a positive reminder because of your importance.” Always choose your words carefully. Never even remotely imply that you are really saying, “If you don’t make a positive change, you idiot, you will destroy me and the children.” 

Have confidence in God’s Word. Quietness shouts to a husband. A gentle spirit will bring out the gentleman in him. Respectful encouragement to your husband about his unique value to the family will have influence over time. Unemotional and positive appeals will have their effect on any good-willed man. 

Having said all of the above, I know that this is not easy advice for many wives to heed. Women tend to want to respond to family concerns now. Men, however, will begin to make improvements over a season of time. Stay with a positive and short message, and eventually he will turn his ship around. Just remember, ships are not rowboats. Allow for time and the Holy Spirit to work. As hard as this is to hear, you will need to see this being a twelve-month project at the very least. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). 

One way to look at it is that in family matters, you are the hare and he is the turtle. You can tear down the track and leave him in the dust, but that will not make you win the race. Your respect will bring him out of his shell and motivate his movements. His movement will be much slower than you prefer, but it will do you little good to run circles around him, tapping on his shell with your stout stick of judgment. Be patient and make the following your motto: “If I can’t say anything respectful, I won’t say anything at all.” 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Respectfully Confronting Sinful Behavior

First let me clarify the meaning of unconditional respect. Just as a husband is to come across lovingly even though his wife is not lovable, so a wife is to come across respectfully even though her husband is not respectable. This is not about loving or respecting sinful behavior. This is about lovingly or respectfully confronting sinful behavior. Unconditional respect does not mean you turn a blind eye to sin, but that you respectfully communicate your fears and feelings of distrust. If you do not show respect to him as you address these issues, your only alternative is contempt. Contempt will not motivate him to feel fond feelings of affection for you. He will eventually close off because he will feel defeated just as a wife is defeated when her husband keeps showing her hostility and harshness. There comes a point when the offended party must realize that hostility and contempt do not accomplish anything. Such feelings can be justified but they do not move the marriage forward. They never work. Never. 

When confronting sin, boundaries will need to be established but you don’t need to lose your composure and dignity in creating these boundaries. Your facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and word choice should come across respectfully. You can say something like this: "It is time to deal with this. I believe in you, this is why I married you. But you are not acting like the man of honor I believe you long to be. Until there are some changes, I would not be respecting you or myself if I allowed this behavior to continue.” Be prepared with specific boundaries and ultimatums that you have worked out with a godly mentor or counselor, or meet together with a third party to work out the details. In some cases, if the spouse refuses to cooperate, a separation (not divorce) may be necessary until they seek help and stop the destructive behavior. 

Extending unconditional respect in the midst of betrayal is difficult at best. It’s also not fair! But what is the alternative? Not only will contempt and disrespect push your husband farther away, it will also destroy your spirit. Ask yourself, “What does Christ want to do in my own heart and life through this?” Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own behavior apart from that of our spouse. As you act in obedience to Christ, He will reward you in ways you never dreamed of. As you extend respect and forgiveness to your husband, a greater work will happen in your soul. Again, this is impossible to do apart from Christ! Refer to the Rewarded Cycle in Session 8 of this study as well as Chapters 23 & 24 in the book Love & Respect, for encouragement and support. Also, make sure you seek out godly counsel from others who will support you in your efforts to save your marriage, as you will definitely be going against the culture! 

Remember, the Lord understands your fears and concerns. Continue to entrust yourself to Him. 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs