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Session Reading
Scripture Says It:
1 Peter 2:17-18: “Honor all people. . . . Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable.”
1 Peter 3:2: “. . . they may be won without a word . . . as they observe your . . . respectful behavior.”
Matthew 19:4: “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female?”
They Said It:
A mom of both a boy and a girl: “I have been really struggling with my nearly four-year-old son lately. Now I understand why every mother wants a daughter . . . because we ‘get’ them! When my sixteen-month-old daughter throws a fit about something, I know what angle to come from because I understand why she’s upset. When my son does something, I’m like, ‘Why did he just do that . . . again?’”
A mom who may be unaware of what she is implying: “He can be ‘all boy’ one second, and the other the sweetest little thing ever.” [Note that, to her, “all boy” is not very sweet.]
Bring It Home:
“Aren’t love and respect the same thing?”
- Love and respect are not synonymous.
“What is respect?”
- Respect: unconditional positive regard toward the spirit of another person.
“He hasn’t earned my respect!”
- This isn’t about your son’s behavior, but about who you as his mom will be regardless of his behavior.
“Disrespect is what works with my son.”
- Assassinating his character won’t inspire obedience.
“You have it backward. Boys need to respect moms, not moms respect boys!”
- All humans need respect. When his need for respect is met, he will respond more lovingly and respectfully himself.
“Isn’t my mother-love enough?”
- Your mother-love is vital. But your son also has a need to feel respected for who he is as a man and person. Add this single concept to your vocabulary and observe the results!
“Are women and daughters being neglected in this series?”
- My invitation to you is to focus on your son as a boy, without feeling we are making a statement against women or daughters. Ask yourself: What is distinct about your son as a male?
“Isn’t this respect stuff a sign of narcissism in males?”
- Your son’s need for respect has little, if anything, to do with his egotistical and narcissistic spirit. Respect-Talk is the key to softening his spirit, opening his spirit, and connecting with his spirit.
“How do I deal with these guilty feelings of mine?”
- In the testimonies to still come in this series, listen for the positives from what the mothers did and how their sons responded. Trust that God will give you insight into the heart of your boy. A momentary ouch will be worth it!
Up For Discussion
- Are you a little less confused about the difference between love and respect than you were when this series began? Why or why not?
- Do you have a better understanding of the definition of respect as unconditional positive regard toward the spirit of your son? Why?
- In saying that moms need to put on respect toward the spirit of their son, are you clear that we are not saying that a boy is allowed to be disrespectful toward mom? (If this is not clear, please read Love and Respect in the Family. There, Emerson shows how to motivate a son to put on respect. Sons must honor father and mother.)
- If you are one who believes disrespect is the only thing that works with your son to get him to do what you require, are you saying that long term your son will want to connect with your heart and obey you from his heart even though he feels you have contempt for who he is as a human being? What would you say to a dad who uses anger, harshness, and hostility to motivate his daughter to obey him? How will that turn out long term?
- Are you okay with this series addressing the son’s need for his mother’s respect without feeling we are neglecting women or saying women do not need respect? Why or why not?
Just For Mom
- Do you still hold to the cultural view that respect must be earned and deserved, and that you have every right to show contempt toward the spirit of your son when he fails to earn your respect? Why? Do you think that is ever going to work with your son?
- Are you struggling with feeling that your mother-love is not enough? Does that feel insulting? What if we said, “Include in your mother-love a commitment to meet your son’s need to feel respected for who he is apart from his performance since that best reflects your love”? Is that more helpful? Why or why not?
- Though there are narcissistic males who demand admiration and exaltation, is your son one of them? Explain.
- If you are a mom who moves quickly into guilt and shame when hearing of mothers who did this poorly, and you feel you are still doing this poorly, are you at a season to incorporate a few adjustments so you can feel better about your approach to your son? Explain.
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