Let’s Do This!

OPERATION DREAM A LITTLE AND THEN A LOT

“It is a beautiful thing when a man and a woman come together with something that is bigger than themselves and the joy of that teamwork, that sense of mission.”

The night my friends Chase and Lisa got engaged, they went off individually and wrote a list of ten cities they thought would be fun to navigate during the first few years of their marriage. They came back together and their highest-ranked match won. The two Californians made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon—where I happened to be living already—and now, looking back, I’m certain they shared with me some of the best years of their lives before returning again to the Golden State to be close to family. I’ve always loved that they moved to Portland, so I’ve decided to apply their model to a little project for you. 

Now all you have to do is move to Portland. 

No, this is about dreaming and doing life with a purpose—wherever you live. Married couples, go to your favorite restaurant, open your favorite bottle of wine in the kitchen, or sit on the couch with hot cups of coffee. Make sure there are no critters (aka children) around for distraction. Set a timer, and separately write a dream list of ways you would love to serve. Don’t limit yourself; think outside the box! Be crazy! 

When you are done dreaming, if you are both believers, say a prayer about what serving would look like and how that lines up with what type of life Jesus calls you to. Then share your lists with each other. My father likes to say that husbands and wives together reflect the image of Christ, so start dreaming about how each of your dreams could be smooshed together. 

Is it possible? 

No matter how far-fetched it seems, write it down and let it simmer for a while. Who knows what will happen? I’m simply here to get the ball rolling. 

ROLLING BALL! COMING THROUGH! 

Was that a fun evening? Why don’t you top it off with some physical affection for those of us who are deprived. (Insert self-pitying moan from me.) 

Now for those of you who are in the single station like me . . . 

Find one or two friends who you think want to live lives that are beyond the routine and ordinary. Ask each other the following questions: 

1. What strengths do people tell you that you have? Professionally and interpersonally? 
2. What are you passionate about? 
3. No really, what gets you amped up? 
4. If you are a believer in Jesus, how could you use those things that amp you up for good? 

Help each other create a solid brainstorming session. It should look really messy. Then ask each other...

1. Is this possible to do without a spouse? 

If none of you knows the answer, I will answer for you: YES! Dream and keep dreaming, and if it seems like it would please God and you can find a way, DO! 

Sometimes people get caught up waiting for God to give them a sign to do something or think life can’t start until they get married. (Sadly, many also think life ends when you get married. Whoever coined the term “settle down” is a silly ninnimuggins.) I believe God can reveal His heart for you by closing doors that you shouldn’t walk through, or, like he did to Paul, sending a blinding angel to stop you in your tracks. But if doors open or close, we know from scripture that He loves us. He’s the only one who will really know your heart and the motivation behind it, and if you are willing to do something with the gifts and areas in your life that amp you up to honor Him, then I think you are up for one wild ride of a life.

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 10 at the bottom.

So I have fun making YouTube videos. Very silly and random YouTube videos. Yes, I’m trying to serve and help, but there was a time I felt weird that I was using such an odd medium to do “ministry.” And not all of my videos talked about Jesus either. I wondered if that meant I was not doing it the right way. But then my pastor gave me some simple, freeing advice. 

He said, “Do you think Satan likes that you are trying to help people through YouTube?” 

I said, “Why you always gotta bring the devil into this?” Actually, I just said, “No.” 

He said, “Then quit worrying about the medium you’re using and get on with it.” 

So get on with it. Live life with purpose individually so your partnership will also have purpose—today or someday. 

“You want to find the perfect person? Why would a perfect person want you?” 

BRAINSTORMING SESSION 

Habakkuk 1:5 

IF WE (FRIENDS OR SPOUSE) COULD DO ANYTHING...

Points To Ponder

PONDER PRAYING WITH ME? 

If you are someone who isn’t sure about the existence of Satan or a spiritual force that opposes God, then this may be weird for you. 

But will you just go here with me for a second? 

Let’s say that Satan is real. Let’s assume he is the great deceiver, as Revelation 12:9 describes, the liar Jesus talked about in John 8:44, and the devouring lion we see in 1 Peter 5:8. Let’s say that he continues to twist the Word of God into something less than, or perverted from, what it was intended to be. 

If that’s true, then it makes 110 percent sense to me why we see marriages that were brought together under the commitment of a covenant-forever, I-will-never-leave-you bond, falling apart in disheartening numbers. 

“Maybe that’s why the culture isn’t interested in looking at God—because they don’t see marriages in the church being such that they hear the music and say, ‘Talk to me about the words.’”

“I never thought this would be my life . . . ” 

This is a phrase I hear from many friends and peers who are divorced after less than a decade of marriage. Generally, many of the reasons are valid, and I empathize deeply and with great sadness—divorce is painful. I have heard and continue to hear heartbreaking stories. 

I also hear stories of people “falling out of love,” “not being happy anymore,” “getting married too young,” and “turning into different people.” 

Wait, what?

Granted, each situation is unique, and if you divorced saying one of the above comments, please don’t hate me. I’m not trying to shame you, and I know I haven’t been married, but it’s my opinion that oftentimes those are cop-out answers for many of us (and I don’t put myself past ever saying statements like that in an unhappy marriage) who don’t want to work hard or honor a commitment. We don’t believe the work will pay off because our definition of happiness and love is more self serving than to make an impact on the world. 

At the end of the day, only you and the person you are married to can really know if the covenant bond that was made has been broken irredeemably, but it’s my observation that too many of my peers are being deceived and lied to by a voice louder than the voice of truth. 

DIVORCE: IT’S JUST NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. 

Even my friends who believe their divorce was the only option or that their broken marriage was ultimately for the best still say it was one of the most awful experiences they’ve ever gone through. Just in the last week I’ve had two male friends who have gone through divorces, one by choice and one not by choice, talk about conversations they have had or want to have with people in their lives who are contemplating getting divorced themselves; both of my friends want to step in and encourage their considering friends to hold off on divorce. 

Have I made you mad? Scared you? Instead of living in fear of it happening in your own marriage, please join me in praying against the lies that say marriage is disposable. Lies that tell you that you will be happier if you leave. 

How much happier are the people who have broken the bond? How much happier are people who have ridden out tough seasons? Everyone has their story, but my challenge to myself is not to think that we are beyond the liar who prowls around looking for ways to deceive us and our spouse. Especially if we believe God put marriage and partnership within our hearts for His purpose. 

A CLOSING WORD... 

I hate you, Satan. Back off of our marriages and minds.

In Jesus’ name.

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 11 at the bottom.

COMMIT TO COMMIT

In this session you might remember my dad and I talking about commitment in light of our feelings. He gave an analogy about the football team losing because they went into the game assuming they wouldn’t win. 

I want to highlight two statements he said that I think represent many married and single people today… 

“But here’s what happens: we’re so afraid of commitment that we pull back on commitment and we think, ‘You know, I’m going to love them as long as I feel love,’ or, ‘I’m going to respect them as long as I feel respect,’ but we aren’t really fully committed. 

“They have a fear of commitment in relationship, so they say, ‘I don’t know if I want to fully commit because this might not work out,’ so they don’t commit, and guess what? It doesn’t work out, and then they say, ‘Good thing we didn’t commit!” 

Think of two couples you know well. One who has been married a number of years and has pushed through rough patches, and another who gave up on their relationship for (as far as you know) selfish or fear-of-commitment-based reasons. 

We must always humbly acknowledge that we don’t know everything that occurred behind the scenes and get the logs out of our own eyes, but for your own reflection on what you would do, ask yourself... 

• How would you say those people as individuals are doing now?
• Have we thought about our deathbed? Have we thought about the devastating feelings we could have called regret? 

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 12 at the bottom.

I’ll close out your pondering with a statistic that my father and I find fascinating and is also mentioned in Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage⁹ (which is a perfect read to go along with this week’s session). Long-term studies by the American Values Institute show that two thirds of unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married instead of divorcing.¹⁰ 

Hmmmm… 

QUESTIONING THE COMMITMENT 

“I’m not happy anymore.” 

“We fell out of love.” 

Where do you think these statements stem from? 

How do you think these statements can be true/false? 

How is God’s heart for His children impacted by these responses to marriage? 

“Jesus said, 'Trust God, trust also in me.' And that becomes the real call.”

THE LIGHT IS COMING—DON’T WASTE THIS MOMENT 

Some of us may have to suffer in our singleness. Maybe you could be married right now, but chose to walk away from a relationship that had red flags. Yet now you find yourself shaking your fist at God or fearful of sitting in a rocking chair alone in your old age. 

Perhaps you did everything “right” and married the man or woman who seemed perfect, but now he or she has changed. 

So now what? 

Do you believe that in the midst of a dark time, light is coming? Do you trust and believe that we are important to Him? 

As my father said, “Sit still and listen to the still small voice.” 

If you are feeling depressed, check out 1 Kings 19. Elijah was mildly depressed, too. Relationship woes? No, just a bunch of dudes trying to kill him and dodging natural disasters. No biggie. 

It’s not quite death threats or tornados, but I know how it feels to be in the dark and struggling to have a flicker of faith. I know what it’s like to strain to hear the still small voice and all you hear is your stomach rumbling. So, as your quasi-on-paper friend, I want to challenge you to keep listening. To sit still enough so that Jesus can tell you He loves you. Even if it’s through reading these words right now. 

It’s not a cliché when I say that I promise He will use this time if you allow Him. But you must allow Him. 

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 13 at the bottom.

Extra Points to Ponder

“I’ve Got Nothing and I’ve Got Everything I Need”
Song by Annie Bethancourt

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Yesterday the woods I was walking
I saw a man kneeling down at the water’s edge
Then he bowed his head and he dove right in

And as the ocean body’s mighty arm
The river carried him along
And as he passed me by his face was facing sky
And he was singing:

“Glory, hallelujah, I’ve got nothing
And I’ve got everything I need”

Well, I’m a wayward child, I know it’s true
But your miracles, I’ve seen a few
So in the belly of a whale I’ll keep my lamp lit

And after fiery flames of red and gold
To the lion’s den, and the giants sword
You will see my lips kiss the dirt
Whispering like a prayer:

“Glory, hallelujah, I’ve got nothing
And I’ve got everything I need”

Oh, humble people, hold on to hope
Though kings build up walls
Climbing higher to a mightier fall
From their fortresses and parapets

There they’ll sit
Surrounded by riches and crumbling stone
Lamenting their memories and crying their woes
While you and me, on golden streets,
Our voices are ringing: glory, glory, glory!

Glory, hallelujah, we’ve got nothing
And we’ve got everything we need

Do You Have Enough?

Annie Bethancourt is a singer-songwriter who is a wordsmithing wonder. Listen to this song and read the lyrics and worship if you can.

A great book on this topic is called “More or Less” by Jeff Shinabarger. I definitely had some lightbulb moments reading it!¹¹

Extra Points to Ponder #2

“HAIL GLADDENING LIGHT
Arranged by Paul Ramey, Hannah Glavor, & Tim Glavor 

Hail gladdening light of His pure glory poured
Who is the immortal Father, heavenly, blessed
Holiest of holies, Jesus Christ our Lord
Holiest of holies, Jesus Christ our Lord 

Now we are come to the sun’s hour of rest
The lights of evening round us shine
We hymn the Father, Son, Holy Spirit divine
We hymn the Father, Son, Holy Spirit divine 

Worthiest art Thou at all times to be sung
We with undefiled tongue
Son of God, giver of life
Therefore in all the world, thy glories Lord, thine Own
Therefore in all the world, thy glories Lord, thine Own

Do you really believe? 

Though life can be managed and enriched by a good community and some strong self-talk, if we are honest with ourselves, the question of belief in Jesus Christ and His claims should cause us pause. This hymn was written in the late-3rd or early-4th Century. It was known as the "Lamp Lighting” hymn, because at the time it was written, Christians in Jerusalem would gather for a tradition called "Lighting of the Lamps." In this ceremony, a candle from the tomb of Christ was brought forth to celebrate the Risen Lord. 

If the lyrics to this song are true, then it changes things.

If they aren't true, then it changes things. 

Don't be fearful of doubt, and don't discount your belief. Regardless of where you find yourself at the moment, I would encourage you to pause. Press into Scripture and the silence, and think about who/what you worship and what you believe. 

Right-Brain Recreation

COVENANTS OR BUST 

A covenant was something I’d never fully understood (and know I still have more to learn about), but as you saw in this last session, my dad began to explain it a bit. I asked him in closing to write a few more of his thoughts, and after you read our words to you, please take some time to think and journal about what this looks like or could look like for you. Be honest about your fears and desires, and take the time to think about where those come from and how you believe God, in His deep love for you, wants you to live in light of those fears and desires.

“Why should we not be afraid of commitment in marriage? Why should we welcome our entrance into this covenant bond of matrimony? Let me back up, going back in time to Jesus. Do you recall His Words? Matthew 26:28 says, 'For this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.' 

“How does the blood of Christ connect with a new covenant? What does this mean? In the Old Testament times, people could only come to God (who dwelled in a temple) through a priest. Even then, they were acceptable only if their sacrifice of some animal on an altar proved acceptable to God. But Jesus Christ became our mediator—our High Priest—and we have the privilege today to come directly to God through Him. In fact, we are the temple of God and He personally indwells us; we can talk to Him any time without having to sacrifice some lamb on the altar. Jesus was the Lamb of God. Christ was our sacrifice, a final offering. When His blood was shed for us, He enabled us to be forgiven once for all—a forever forgiveness and a forever acceptance (Romans 5:19; 2 Corinthians 5:21). Each time we come before God, He sees us this way, even though experientially we have failed Him. 

“Now to my point about marriage. When a believer in Christ understands what God has done for us in Christ and how the Lord has made a forever covenant with us, remaining faithful to us even though we are unfaithful, it makes it hard for us to quit on marriage. How can we bail on our covenant when God does not bail on His covenant? How can we be unforgiving when God forgives us? How can we refuse to love when God loves us? How can we snub the idea of respecting another when God intends to glorify us forever? Yes, a spouse can betray us, commit adultery, and desert us. That is biblical grounds for divorce. But in effect, they leave us; we don’t leave them. They break the covenant with us; we don’t break the covenant with them. 

“The Christ follower who grasps the covenant God made with us enters a marriage fully committed not because the other person deserves this kind of commitment but because we intend to be like God the Father and Christ His Son. We find it next to impossible to break a human covenant all the while knowing that our Father and Savior will never break their covenant with us. That is why when one leaves a marriage saying, 'I am unhappy with my spouse,' it seems shallow and superficial, which it is, especially when a spouse has not violated the vows by committing adultery or deserting. People who push eject on the marriage in this manner reveal that they do not understand God's covenant, love, and glory. 

“They really don’t believe, and when they really don't believe in the power of commitment, it points to something far deeper in the soul than the marriage. The good news is that when we DO accept and believe in the power of marital covenant, we can experience a glimpse of the commitment Christ made to us.” 

See, friends, this is what gets me excited for your current or future marriages, as well as my hope for a future marriage. It is just one of the ways that God has created an opportunity for us to experience a little bit of heaven. It takes work (and some might think there are days that feel like they are in hell), but it's also a gift and an opportunity for us to experience God's love for us through His creation. Male and female He created us. 

SCRIPTURE SAYS:

1 CORINTHIANS 7:28 Do you sense people are concluding they made a mistake in who they chose to marry when they run into trouble? 

SONG OF SOLOMON Glance through this book, especially chapters 2, 4, 5, and 6, to see how often they refer to each other as lovers and friends. It’s much easier to be friendly when you marry someone who is your friend. 

ECCLESIASTES 9:9 and PROVERBS 5:18 God delights in love and made marriage for us to delight in that romantic type of love! Seasons of love will change, but never forget what the love of your youth was like. 

EPHESIANS 5 Yup, it was mentioned again. Take a gander if you dare.

1 KINGS 19 A depressed Elijah and God’s still small voice.

Emerson's Wise Words

No. 10
As Joy was saying this, I thought of 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12: “To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

No. 11
Sarah, my wife, often talks at our conferences about how Satan does everything to bring us together sexually without a covenant commitment and everything to separate us after marriage. I always remind myself that after Ephesians 5 comes Ephesians 6. Turn to Ephesians 6 and read what he writes about the great schemer.

No. 12
My prayer for you is that you will find a balance between running away from commitment out of fear and rushing into a relationship that is unwise. Pray for wisdom to find that balance!

No. 13
We cannot grasp why God allows some of us to suffer while others do not (Psalm 73). When we see our ex laughing and partying without a care in the world while we are home alone, we churn and ache inside. Or maybe we are home with a spouse but we are in a season of loneliness even though he or she is in the next room. This is when we decide whether we will compare our lives to others or see this as our moment before and with God. We decide to seize the moment. Carpe diem!