Let’s Do This!

FUNCTIONING IN FREEDOM AND ARISING AGAIN 

My dad called out dating people who are in toxic relationships when he and I were talking about loneliness. He said, “You who are in a relationship and in your deepest heart know it is not what your heavenly Father wants for you [are] so afraid of loneliness that you’re going to choose disobedience rather than trust.” 

To those of you in an unhealthy relationship, here’s what I want you to do to face this relationship with courage. Put on your tennis shoes, step outside, and set your timer for thirty minutes. Spend the first five to ten minutes walking and praying over the prompts below. Then spend the remaining twenty to twenty-five minutes listening and thinking. 

Questions/Prompts for Your Prayer Time 

Am I making excuses in an area of my life for something I know deep down in the recesses of my soul is not beneficial to my life? Do I know that this doesn’t align with God’s desire for my life? 

If you are one of those anxiety-ridden, sweaty-palm perfectionists, you might read this and start panicking that you have some hidden sin that you need to find and confess. Maybe you do, but I also challenge you to check your hearts and motives, knowing that God wants you to function in freedom. First John 3:21 says, “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God.” You need to relax. You are not guilty of some hidden sin. 

However, if you are living in a way that isn’t beneficial and honoring to yourself, others, or God, bring this into the light and start again. No need to live in shame; rather, scripture says, “The righteous falls seven times and rises again” (Proverbs 24:16). So bring your thing to the light and get on with it. 

“Unconditional doesn't mean that you give people license to do whatever they want.”

SIDENOTE: I personally think best while walking/jogging in cemeteries. Some call it creepy; I call it “contemplating the brevity of life.” Plus, since most people are a little afraid of zombies, you usually have the place to yourself, which also allows for better thinking. 

COFFEE QUESTIONNAIRE OR E-MAIL EXTRACTION 

Obviously we know from the research we have shared that most husbands leave conflicts feeling disrespected and most wives leave conflicts feeling unloved. But I want you to do a little research yourself and see if it’s always the case or if it’s just in marriage. And if what you discover isn’t the “norm,” what are the reasons and circumstances behind that? 

Choose a person (spouse, significant other, person you wish you were dating, fascinating friend, etc.), and ask…

“Can you remember a time in your life when you felt disrespected or when you were treated in a way that left you feeling really unloved?” 

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 9 at the bottom.

If you sense hesitation, you can say, “Just e-mail me if you think of an experience. I’m in this group right now, and that is the topic we are talking about, so I wanted to know circumstances surrounding other people’s recollections of feeling this way.” 

Things to pay attention to: 

1. How quickly did they recall the story they told you?
2. What was the relationship with the person who had hurt them?
3. Did they use language that was more in keeping with feeling disrespected or unloved? 

Then, if you can safely share their story—with their blessing or assured anonymity—summarize it for the group next week. Did you notice similar themes? Was there anything gender specific in nature? What types of relationships were most prone to cause pain? 

Points To Ponder

When I gave my dad a hard time about the stereotypical “pink” and “blue” colors to describe male and female, he explained how scripture says that men and women are together called to reflect the image of God. Together pink and blue make purple, which is the color of royalty, the color of God. 

So it’s a visual to help us remember what we have the power to do as husband and wife. 

Married people, if you believe in God, what does this mean for you and your spouse? 

Unmarried folks, what does this make you feel? In light of how scripture tells us about God, His heart, and His plan, do you think He sees you as eager to reflect Him? 

Extra Points To Ponder

SO, HOW’S MARRIED LIFE?
Monologue by Karyn Thurston 

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As you listen to Karyn describe her response to married life, I would love to have the married people write out the best aspects of being married, and the unmarried people write out the aspects they look forward to most in marriage.

Extra Points To Ponder #2

“I Need Your Love”
Music by Josh Hoke

There was a time when I knew happiness
Nobody coming around to drag me down, leaving that emptiness
There was a time we were still innocent
I don’t believe you can save me
Oh, but you can hold me, you can hold me close
I need your love
I need your love
I need your love to light my way
No I won’t run away if you say that you’ll stay
Say you’ll stay
There was a time when I knew loneliness
Nobody coming around to paint this town, leaving that easiness
There was a time we were still wandering
And now I see you’ve been waiting
Oh, to welcome me, welcome me home
Opened your eyes, squinting in daylight
Hoping you’ll find it’s gonna be alright, alright

***

Lover, Lord, or Golden Calf?

This song is redonculous. (That’s a compliment, Josh.) As you listen to it and journal, ask yourself this question: how do we embrace (instead of ignore) the fact that most of us have been designed by God to be in romantic relationships without becoming so focused on it that we make it our idol or make someone our savior? 

Right-Brain Recreation

MOZART SAYS THERE’S NO WRONG DRAWING

Flip back through your notes, ponderings, and creativeness over the past number of weeks. I really hope your notebook is starting to look worn and loved. 

Turn on some Mozart and take one or seventeen of the illuminating moments you’ve had through this study and draw whatever visual comes to mind. 

“It is known that music helps increase your concentration levels. It helps improve memory. It has been found to increase memory levels of Alzheimer’s and dementia patients. Research has shown that the silence between two musical notes triggers brain cells which are responsible for the development of sharp memory. Flute music, and instruments like santoor and sarod are recommended for the enhancement of concentration and memory. Classical music improves the ability to recall what’s retained in the brain in the form of memory. Strong beats cause the brain waves to resonate in sync with the beat, thus leading to increased levels of concentration and increased mental alertness. This also trains the brain to change speeds of processing easily, as need be. Learning music helps increase self-discipline.”⁸

There is NO WRONG DRAWING. Why do I know this? Wolfgang told me himself. Unless you are trying to draw a musical score—then he said you might screw things up. He even admits to not being the best drawer himself and said I could share with you his doodle from last week. 

SCRIPTURE SAYS

1 CORINTHIANS 7 There’s a wholllle lotta stuff to think about in this passage. I would encourage you to read the entire chapter in a study Bible so you can read the added notes or commentary. 

EPHESIANS 5:33 Yup, it was mentioned again! Take another gander at the verse or chapter and see if anything new stands out to you today.

Emerson's Wise Words

No. 9
Generally speaking, a woman loves to love, doing so from her nature. Usually, a man married to such a woman does not feel unloved during an argument. He tends to be assured of her love unless she voices uncertainty about her romantic love. However, because he is less loving by nature (less empathetic, understanding of her femininity, nurturing, etc.), she has a tendency to want to help him change to be more sensitive and loving at the level of intimacy (since she cares), and sends a message that sounds disapproving to him, such as that he isn’t good enough. At that moment, he feels disliked and disrespected, all the while knowing she loves him. He does not declare, “You don’t love me.” That would be an affront to her loyalty and affirmation of her love for him. Instead, he shouts, “You aren’t respecting me.” In her case, she knows that she loves him but she wonders if he loves her as much as she loves him, and so generally is hurt by what she feels is his unloving reactions during the fight. But what about the woman who feels disrespected during the quarrel? Yes, she needs R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and is hurt by his disrespect. She will voice, “You are not respecting me right now.” However, though she needs respect, if he keeps showing her disrespect, she eventually exclaims, “How can you treat me disrespectfully and say that you love me?” We have found that most women land on love. Juxtaposed, when she treats him disrespectfully week after week, he declares, “I don’t deserve this disrespect. Everyone respects me but you.” He lands on the topic of disrespect. This is why she will state, “I love you a ton, but you don’t deserve my respect.” Of course, if she habitually says this, she will lose his heart in the same way he will lose her heart if he asserts, “Quit feeling unloved. You are so sensitive.”