Let’s Do This!

I talked about writing a “respect card” to the guy I had a crush on in college. His response showed that my words had power to energize. I think—as men, women, single, or married—we need to be aware of the power we have to speak belief and encouragement into each other’s lives. 

What is keeping you from encouraging the people in your life? How can you address those barriers? 

If you’re married or dating, try it with your spouse or honey boo-boo. There are some great examples in my father’s book; here they are in his words: 

“One of the simplest methods that I suggest for wives is to send their husbands what I call a 'respect card.' According to my research, men seldom keep love cards their wives send them with all the little hearts, Xs, and Os. But . . . he will keep a card you send him that says, ‘I was thinking about you the other day, that you would die for me . . . ’ Sign it, ‘With all my respect, the one who still admires you . . . ’ Do not sign it, ‘With all my love.’ He knows you love him. Sign it, ‘With all my respect.’ Your husband will keep that card forever.”⁴ 

“Suppose one man buys his wife a Mercedes for her birthday. . . . The other man takes his wife out to the park and they go for a nice walk and share feelings of love and closeness as he tells her how much she means to him. On the way back to the car, he finds a small, flat rock, picks it up, and brings it home. Then he writes a little poem or some other notation on it and presents it to her as a memento of the walk they took that day. Whose wife will appreciate her gift the most?”⁵ 

I also did a video series on my site called Respect State of the Union in which I talked about writing a respect card. 

If you are single, you can still practice showing respect to a peer, a sibling, or a parent. Write or tell them about the things you’ve observed that they are good at or passionate about. Even if you don’t understand or care as much about their passions or talents, practice meeting their needs by honoring who they are. 

Here are some ways to start: 

“I was noticing how you ______________(end with a compliment).” “Thank you for how you always take the time to __________.” “Wow, you __________________.” 

“I can’t believe you know how to ride that unicorn over the rainbow blindfolded with no shoes on. THAT is talent, my friend.” 

See, it’s really not that difficult. Just be yourself and use your own words. 

The more you learn to notice and encourage everyone, the easier it will be to do the same for your spouse. 

Points To Ponder

Do you feel a tugging at your heart to serve others? Do you struggle to know how to serve? Or maybe you feel like you don’t have anything to offer? 

I’m going to get a little charismatic on you here and challenge you to pray boldly. God answers our prayers, but He wants our prayers to be in line with what will ultimately show His love and nature to the world. Scripture shows us what His love looks like, and we are to be imitators of that even when we endure hardships. But, as Galatians says, “Let us not grow weary of doing good.” 

But won’t that mean He will make me live in China as a missionary for the rest of my life? 

Really? Do we still have that fear? 

Listen, people. God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to use you to reveal Himself to the world. He wants you to “do good” and He has given you specific strengths and gifts for you to use. 

Pray something like this (especially if you struggle with feelings of not having any strengths or gifts): “Lord, I want to be available to serve and love your people. I want my belief to grow as I step out in faith, asking you to show me what I have to give. I often feel like I don’t have any strengths or gifts, so I’m gonna need you to make that pretty clear. Please help make this happen or put a passion in my heart, because I am clueless and sometimes think my heart is dead.”

You know, something like that . . . 

Give it a try, and don’t give credence to the lie that you have nothing to give. 

PLEASE DON’T LET IT GET ANY DARKER IN HERE (SERIOUSLY, I CAN’T EVEN SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE) 

Given this idea that “light comes into darkness,” how can you reframe your perspective on dark seasons in life? Have you had experiences that have proved this idea to be true? 

Reflect on some of the painful times in your history. Can you recognize two different ways you could’ve responded? Which did you choose? What did that choice mean for you? 

What is your “unanswered question” for God? What does it mean to you that, in a way, having an unanswered question is validated by Christ’s own experience of it when on the cross he cried, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?” 

What are some ways that you can uniquely serve because of who you are and the experiences you’ve had? 

What is your response to God’s silence in your pain/questions? Why? 

“We're either going to give into the darkness, or we're going to give in the darkness.”

IF YOU’LL BE HONEST, I’LL BE HONEST 

In the last session, you wrote a letter to your younger self. Now—being completely honest—do you think your younger self would have listened? 

Why or why not? 

I hear from many of you who wonder why dear friends can’t see the clear solutions that would address the problems resulting from the way they are living their lives. They seem absolutely blind to the obvious. 

Why do you think this is? Has there been a time in your life that a close friend tried to share a clear solution with you? How did you respond?

As I said in the first session, I came to the realization that the Love and Respect message wasn’t resonating with me as much as it might with someone who has been married for twenty or thirty years—not because they were closer to my parents’ age, but because they had experienced the day-in-and-day-out of marriage to an extent that I had not. 

And that has been my obstacle as I’ve sought to trust many of the principles that I haven’t experienced with a husband . . . and then try to convince all of you to trust me in the benefits . . . for something I haven’t lived out yet. 

Eeeee . . . 

The reality is that my father and I know that many of the Love and Respect teachings are generalizations to help couples recognize their differences, and to ultimately extend grace to one another. Not all men and women operate within every one of these generalities. We know that. 

However, I can say with true sincerity and from the most honest places of my heart that I believe God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder or hold us back as male and female.

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 5 at the bottom

My desire is for each of us to take the time to really get to know each other as men and women and to encourage one another to live out our femininity and masculinity with full confidence that we were made uniquely. And as we embrace our own gifts, I want us to honor and give grace for the different natural strengths and gifts of others.

If we don’t, I foresee a continued trend of divorce, confusion, and labeling based on misunderstanding.

If you want the cliff notes on the Love and Respect message, my dad writes a synopsis in his second book, “The Language of Love & Respect.” This is my PERSONAL favorite of his books. In the table of contents, look for “A Short Course on Love & Respect.”

My prayer is that you will trust, along with me, that these gender principles will benefit us now—and twenty years from now when we potentially have some years of marriage under our belts. And while this study is a good start, I hope you’ll make a point of seeking wisdom through prayer, scripture, and older, wiser counsel. 

And speaking of older, wiser counsel, if you don’t have older people in your Illumination Project small group, it’s not too late! Pray about who could be your “wisdom in residence.” Oh, and then ask them! 

Before you start grafting old folks into the remainder of this study, what questions do you have for God? What do you hope He will teach you through this study? 

Oh, look at that! A place to ask Him . . .

DEAR GOD, 

I’m so (enthusiastic emotion) ________ about The Illumination Project. So far I’ve had so much (synonym for fun) _______. Already I’ve had (high number) _______ (synonym for illumination moments) _______ and gained so much (rhymes with isdom)_______. That Joy girl is so (positive adjective meaning cool, inspiring, world dictator, etc.)________. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is: ________.

Oh, sidenote: God, I’ve always wanted to ask, why opossums? They are hideous! Seriously, it’s like you gave growth hormones to a rat. I just don’t understand. Care to expound? Sorry, back to what I want out of this study…________.

Sign-off: choose one that best describes yourself:

• From a shaky heart
• I believe; please help my unbelief
• Amen (so be it)

____________________
(NAME)

Points To Ponder

Maybe you have experienced incredible pain, or maybe you will in the future. Either way, this is one of those questions that will shape the lens through which we view God. Will we decide how we see Him based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light how we view God? 

“The question is, will we reject what we know about God and Christ, or will we trust Him in the midst of this incredible pain?”

Is our willingness to serve others in pain during our troubling times evidence that we trust Him though we don’t have an answer to the question, “Why me?”

I would encourage you to write these questions on a piece of paper, keep it with you, and go for a walk to mull over what you’ve just written down. 

Extra Points To Ponder

“Wounded Healer”
Music by Josh White and Liz Vice

Access all artist videos
p: artist

Foolishness strips the soul of its light
We foolishly slipped cause we were all blind
But into the dark you brought in the light
But light without sight is perpetual night

Wounded healer, please

Give us light, give us vision
Give us love, give us mission
Give us courage, give us power
Give us righteousness for this hour
Give us joy, give us faith
Give us life that we can taste
Give us the cross, Jesus give us you
We are channels of love that flow from you
We are filled with your Spirit, who makes all things new
We are broken bread and poured-out wine
Your Kingdom come release through our lives

Wounded healer, please

Stuck Wounded or a Saving Warrior?

Watch the Josh White and Liz Vice performance of “Wounded Healer.” Soak in the song and pray for insight to see where you are right now.

Do you think about your wounds and shake your fist at God? Do you blame him? Or do you, like this song says, believe that you can be a “channel of love” out of your pain?

If you feel somewhere in the middle of these two extremes, what steps do you sense you need to take in order to move toward healing?

When you think of being healed, do you assume that means less pain?

Extra Points to Ponder #2

EXPECTATIONS 
Monologue by Blair Jacobson  

NBA All-Stars and Relationships, Dispelled 

As you listen to Blair share his journey from wanting a relationship to wanting a person, write out the memories you have of when you started to like someone. 

What elements made Mondays feel like Christmas morning?

Was it scary for you at all? Why or why not? 

Did the excitement or the fear subside? 

Are any of these feelings right? Wrong? 

How does wanting a person versus wanting a relationship create the space for grace? 

Scripture Says

LUKE 22:31-32 Do you feel like you are being sifted? What will you do to “turn again”? 

LUKE 22:42 Whose will do you want? 

MATTHEW 27:46 How do you respond when you feel forsaken? What does it make you think to know that Jesus felt forsaken? Will you serve as He served? (Wow, are you wondering if this is doable? Maybe we should just declare, “Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.” Now that I say that, I am dying to eat. Join me for a snack in the kitchen? Seriously . . . I’m in your kitchen right now.) 

“When evil comes at you, you're the one that makes the choice whether or not it's going to go into you.”

Right-Brain Recreation 

PART CYNIC OR PART PICASSO? 

I remember one time as I was sitting with my broken ankle and broken heart, I heard a song on my iPod called, "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer." I cried and cried and probably had snot all over my sleeve, but I also had this really beautiful image in my head of the words she was singing. I had some el-cheapo watercolor paints next to me, so I decided to paint what I was seeing in my head. 

Let’s just say, I didn’t do my mind justice. There are two-year-olds who could have made a prettier picture using finger paints and their toes, but it was still an exercise that made me grasp the words of the song and picture what could take place through my pain. 

You might choose to listen to that song, or maybe there’s another song that speaks truth into your current situation or a past situation of pain. (A song of hope and truth is probably more beneficial than a song with lyrics about the person who hurt you falling off a cliff.) Listen to the song as a prayer, and let yourself paint, draw, or somehow create a visual depiction of what you are hearing. 

It will be worth it. Trust me, Peter Picasso.

Emerson's Wise Words

No. 5
Ephesians 5:33 was in the Bible before I was born and will be there after I die. My negative feelings about not obeying this truth are immaterial. Abba Father has spoken to all couples in all ages, and I am no exception. The good news is that this verse suggests that most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to love and respect. When the husband shows a loving attitude while interacting with his wife, in all likelihood she will be responsive and positive. When the wife appears respectful in attitude when confronting her husband, few men will shut down but instead will hear her heart.