CLOSENESS IS A BIBLICAL IDEA

We read in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (KJV). When Scripture speaks of “cleaving,” the idea in the Hebrew is to cling, hold, or keep close. Two are joined together face to face, becoming one flesh. It includes sexual intimacy but goes way beyond that to marital companionship.

Animals have sex, but they are not in love with each other. Animals are not created in the image of God. Only a man and woman are created in the image of God, and together they reflect that image in their union.

A loving husband is to cleave to his wife, as Adam did. Adam was no longer alone. He had a companion with him he could talk to (face to face), be affectionate with, and share his heart with—and not just when he wanted sex.

Did you know that in God’s creation He sets human beings apart in that they are sexually intimate face to face to express love? Cleaving, then, means a spiritual, social, and emotional closeness.

Genesis 2:24 is a salient passage for husbands, who should each ask themselves: “Does my wife feel loved when I move toward her to be close and connect with her heart to heart?” And of course, the answer concerning all wives is: Absolutely. She longs for an emotional connection that the sexual connection symbolizes to her.

Hear other scriptures that echo the hearts of wives in every culture. “When I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go” (Song of Solomon 3:4). Notice her desire to hold her husband. Husbands, do you see this desire in your wife? God created her this way. That’s why women love hugs. Hugging is a huge component in the soul of a woman. Hugs symbolize love. Hugs symbolize closeness. Hugs symbolize that all is well between two people.

Women yearn to be held. We read in Genesis 29:34, “Now my husband will hold me close” (CEV). Some translate the idea, “my husband will become attached to me” (NASB). The Message says, “‘Now maybe my husband will connect with me—I’ve given him three sons!’ That’s why she named him Levi (Connect).” The NLT states, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me.”

In the 1979 movie Love Story, we hear, “Would you please do something for me, Ollie? [He kisses her hand.] Would you please hold me? [He half-heartedly hugs her.] No, I mean really hold me.” Song of Solomon reveals a refrain in 2:6; 8:3: “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” Some versions translate this as “caresses me.”

We read in Deuteronomy 24:5, “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” Wow! The Israelites recognized the vital importance of the first year of marriage wherein the husband remained close with his wife. That first year they bonded, particularly the wife. Most agree that women have a wide range of feelings and concerns and her adjustment that first year is monumental. In fact, the first year of bringing her happiness is foundational to the rest of the marriage.

Physical closeness brings happiness to a wife. Her message is simple:

“Hold me."

“Hug me.”

“Be with me face to face.”

“Be affectionate with me.”

These things energize a wife. And when other wives find out that a married female friend of theirs is being treated this way, she becomes the envy of the women and they talk about it. This is why I encourage men to pay attention to the response of other women when those women hear his wife say, “My husband and I are connecting like never before!” Every woman knows what she means, and they want to hear more.

WHAT ABOUT CLOSENESS THROUGH SEX?

Consider being affectionate without wanting sex. That may sound a little bit like an oxymoron, but it’s vital to the relationship. It’s been said that sexual intimacy often begins at breakfast or at some other time during the day. Hug her, hold her hand, tell her you love her, tell her how pretty she is. Be affectionate but not sexually aggressive.

Touching and kissing only when one wants sex is usually a turn-off to a wife. She builds up to sex much slower than her husband does, so through the day he should try keeping his advances in the affectionate zone only. Heed the pain heard from this wife: “He wants sex but I get no closeness before or after.”

When a husband sets the right tone with little encounters during the day or evening, it leads much more naturally and easily to sexual intimacy later. However, when a husband is not affectionate and attentive but then requests sex, most wives feel used. Affection should be an end in itself, not just the means to get sex.

Hear what this wife is saying:

“He watches SportsCenter, but I slow down at 10:00. I want to quiet down and cuddle like we did when first married. However, without the kids, we are two strangers who are not on the same path. This is causing a problem with me being sexually intimate. That is the only time we are close. I need something apart from that.”

AM I SAYING MEN DO NOT WANT CLOSENESS?

All of us need closeness. Closeness is a human need, not just a woman’s need. However, more than their husbands, generally speaking, wives want their hand held when crossing a street, want to talk into the evening face to face, and want their husbands to be affectionate without sexual intentions.

This degree of difference between the wife and husband contributes to the complaint of more wives about the lack of emotional connection than from husbands. Though there are a ton of exceptions when a man is in a marital crisis, by and large, most women have a felt need for this face-to-face and heart-to-heart sharing. She is the one asking, “Can we talk?”

So, what can a husband do that causes his wife to feel close to him and thus loved by him? We will handle that important question in chapter 3.

Please take a moment and view the video titled “A Wife’s Need for Closeness" in the next step.