Please read the following. In the next two steps you will watch the Intro and Chapter 1 video.

Is a woman’s longing for emotional connectedness an issue with wives? I can say that with most wives in love with their husbands this sense of closeness and connectedness is a towering concern.

HEAR THE HEART CRY FROM THESE WIVES

“We still did not have the closeness that I was much in need of.”

“I feel a lack of mental and emotional closeness.”

“I felt he was withdrawing from me when I wanted to be close to him.”

“I started to need him a lot more (his companionship and emotional support); and the more I needed of him, the more he worked and stayed away. My response was to try to pull him closer, and that just pushed him away.”

“I don’t feel loved since the most important part of our relationship for me is missing, and that is our spiritual closeness.”

“I thought he might be open to just cuddling with me in bed, which has been something that I have learned not to attempt to do with him because, in the past, he only responds to my closeness when he wants to make love.”

“I attempted to cuddle with him and it was just as it was in the past—like snuggling with a log. I don’t know why I allowed myself to get upset but, after trying for some time and getting no response other than him just placing his hand stiffly on my back, I left and went to the bathroom and cried and prayed for a long time. I was determined not to let him know because in the past when I had tried to address such things, he would only get angry and accuse me of being unreasonable or selfish. I wanted very badly to respond in a godly way, but my heart was aching.”

“For a long time I have felt very unloved and so very sad and lonely and so long for his sincere love, affection, and showing of emotions and feelings that he will not share with me. I want so much to be closer than close, and it seems that no matter how hard I try I can never get through to him and get him to be totally comfortable talking to me about anything and everything as I feel spouses should freely do!”

These quotes answer the question: Is a wife crying out for closeness?

A wife asked, “Does a man not want to be closer than close to his wife and have a relationship where you are as one body in the marriage? Does he not long for the feeling of love and closeness and intimacy? I know that a man wants to be respected for his efforts in taking care of the family and providing for their needs and protecting them, etc., but do men not long to have the ultimate close relationship with their wife where they feel that there is nothing they cannot talk about and share? I am trying really hard to understand it all.” Some wives are in pain over the sense that their husbands do not want to be emotionally close.

When does a wife feel close to her husband? When he...

• holds her hand and hugs her 
• is affectionate without sexual intentions 
• spends time with her face to face listening 

Women can see a man and woman walking hand in hand from two planets away. They can spot a man and woman embracing at a jewelry shop from the other end of the mall. They can see the affection of a husband toward his wife who is holding their newborn. They fixate on a couple in a restaurant talking face to face and laughing. 

A gossip column written by a woman for E! online reads, “But if there were any lingering doubts as to their coupling, those were cast even further aside yesterday, when the gorgeous couple took a romantic, hand-holding stroll through New York City.” To this female editor, the “hand-holding” said it all.

If a woman sadly expresses to other women, “He doesn’t hold my hand like he did when we courted,” every woman empathizes with her sadness. They all recognize she is saying that she does not feel close to her husband, that she is feeling unloved.

DO SOME HUSBANDS NOT HEAR THIS CRY OF A WIFE’S HEART FOR CLOSENESS?

A husband writes, “After reading your book, Love & Respect, I see how I clearly acted unlovingly toward her, but it was not intentional. I always loved her, but never showed it the way she needed it. I did not see all of her complaining as a cry for closeness, but that is what it was.”

Many husbands on the heels of a marital crisis readily confess as did this husband. They share the extent to which they were oblivious to the wife’s need for closeness. As with this husband, these men tell me that for many years they negatively reacted to what they perceived to be a chronic complaint from their wives about not being close and affectionate apart from wanting sex. During the marital crisis the guy awakens. He knows his wife has goodwill. He knows she was crying out to him to connect. He knows God designed his wife to have a need that he does not always have. He sees her need for closeness far more clearly and wishes he had better responded to her need for his closeness. Now he discerns that her request is actually a compliment to him. She has a need that only he can meet. He brings a strength with his face-to-face presence in her life, and with that strength he can energize her.

WHY MIGHT A HUSBAND MISS THE CRY OF HER HEART FOR CLOSENESS?

MISUNDERSTANDING HER FELT NEED: He did not have the same felt need to hug, hold hands, be affectionate, and look at each other face to face, so he did not act on this much at all.

MISUNDERSTANDING HER EXPECTATION: He felt awkward with such closeness at one level as though she expected him to be more girly to make her happy. Women always hug each other, so it must mean she wants him to be like a woman. But he refused to be womanly, going around giving hugs to anyone who moved. He was not into the touchy-feely stuff, and mocked her expectations.

MISUNDERSTANDING HER INTERPRETATION: He enjoys being close sexually, which bonds them emotionally in his opinion, but he found himself deeply bothered that his desire for sex also ignited her suspicions about his unconditional love. In feeling she resisted his desire for sexual closeness, he resisted her desire for emotional closeness.

MISUNDERSTANDING HER COMPARISONS: He finds himself bothered by her comparisons with husbands she feels meet their wives’ need for closeness. Feeling put down by her comparison, he pulls back from closeness. He feels like he must perform according to some kind of chick-flick, romantic standard to meet with her approval. Feeling disinterested in performing, he makes little effort to be close with her, and submits to his cynicism that “it will never be good enough anyway.”

MISUNDERSTANDING HER MOTIVE: He felt that she criticized and complained about his failure to hug and hold, to be affectionate without sex, and to be together face to face chatting, because she did not respect him. He felt she used his inadequacies related to closeness in order to judge him. It was his conviction that she did not like him, and this issue of closeness afforded her the opportunity to put him down.

So, what can a husband do? Stay tuned. We will answer that. But a key question arises, which we answer in Chapter 2: Does the Bible confirm a wife’s desire for closeness and connection, or is this just a cultural thing? And if the latter, should a husband still feel compelled to be close to his wife?

Please view the videos titled “Introduction” and “A Wife’s Cry for Closeness" in the next two steps.