CC In Marriage - Session 1

What Is The Crazy Cycle?

While watching the video, don't worry about following along with a downloaded workbook or having the written content open in another tab or device. Just sit back and enjoy the teachings of Dr. Eggerichs, based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Content Summary

Below is a brief summary of the content in the video. Please take a moment to review it before moving on to the questions. If you are going through this with your spouse or in a group, consider reading it aloud together.

When the Issue Isn’t the Issue

Have you ever had a conflict with your spouse when suddenly the issue didn’t seem to be the issue? Perhaps even the conflict went on for so long and grew so intense that one or both of you couldn’t even remember what the original issue was. That’s because the issue wasn’t really the issue anymore.

In the stories Emerson shared about the contacts and jean jacket, the conflicts that arose between he and Sarah weren’t about trouble seeing and Christmas gifts; they were about the felt need each had in those moments of a lack of love and respect from the most important person in their life.

It is that moment in the conflict, when suddenly the issue is no longer the issue, when the Crazy Cycle rears its ugly head and escalates the conflict to levels neither spouse had intended.

Can You Relate?

Jason and Sara’s story is probably one many couples riding the Crazy Cycle can relate to: two goodwilled people who love each other dearly but have different methods of working through conflict, based on what each feels they need in the situation, not on what their spouse needs.

Each admitted to constantly talking over the other, not trying to understand the other’s perspective, only out to be heard. How common these methods must be in marriages across the world today. And when Sara finally worked up the nerve to have a calm, honest, and open conversation with Jason, allowing herself to be more vulnerable than she’d ever been with him, her felt need of love was not met, despite his good intentions of trying to love her through his silence.

She was trying to respect him by giving him space to share his thoughts. He was trying to love her by simply listening. But this honest misunderstanding between two goodwilled people who truly did love and respect each other would keep them on the Crazy Cycle.

Love and Respect

Ephesians 5:33 gives us, as Emerson put it, “God’s last words to the church on marriage.” In this passage, the Holy Spirit wrote through the apostle Paul, “A husband must love his wife, and a wife must respect her husband.” Now, of course, a wife does need to also love her husband, and a husband needs to always show respect to his wife. But the command here in Ephesians 5 doesn’t emphasize that. Why is that?

Because as Emerson found when he surveyed 7,000 people, the overwhelming felt need for a husband when in conflict with his wife is that she respects him, and his wife’s number one felt need in conflict is for her husband to love and cherish her. And having created us in His image and designed us inside and out, God knew we would need to be given special instruction on how to best serve our spouse: she to respect him, and he to love her.

And when conflict arises, the wife is not waiting for his respect and the husband is not wondering if she loves him.

But if he reacts without love and she responds without respect, the Crazy Cycle begins to spin. And as Jason and Sara learned, simply talking over each other without trying to understand the other’s perspective will never stop the spinning. Because she still feels unloved, and he still feels his wife doesn’t respect him.

Take Home Point

‍During conflict when the issue is no longer the issue, one of you is feeling unloved or disrespected, which can cause you to react in a like manner that triggers the Crazy Cycle.

Discussion and Closing

Questions

Have you ever had a conflict with your spouse when suddenly the issue didn’t seem to be the issue anymore? How did it escalate from something such as, say, working at the office late, to the serious marital conflict that it became?
In conflicts that you have had with your spouse in which it became clear that the issue was no longer the issue any longer, what were some of the root issues that revealed themselves in these times? Were the root issues addressed, or was a Band-Aid placed over the root issue by merely dealing with the issue that wasn’t really the issue? What would you do differently if you found yourself in the same situation?
How can you relate to Jason and Sara’s story? What reminded you of conflicts in your household and how you and your spouse typically handle them?
Why do you believe Ephesians 5:33 does not command the wife to love her husband and the husband to respect his wife? Do these omissions mean it is less important or secondary for the wife to love her husband and the husband to respect his wife? Explain.
Do you fall into agreement with the results of Emerson’s survey? Meaning, if you are a husband, would you agree that your number one felt need during conflict with your wife is her respect; and as a wife, would you say that your top desire from your husband during conflict is to be assured of his love for you? Have you ever shared that with him or her? If not, would you do so now?
For the “Single” spouse: If, for whatever reason, you are going through this study without your spouse, he or she is not going to know what you mean by the Crazy Cycle and perhaps will become defensive and dismissive if you quote Ephesians 5:33 aloud. But do you believe he or she would likely be able to relate and recognize with you that “the issue is no longer the issue”? Do you believe that it is also their desire to deal with the root issue and not just keep putting Band-Aids on everything? How might you be able to begin addressing these root issues in an effective way?

In Closing

As you complete the first session of The Crazy Cycle in Marriage, take some time to pray together as a couple. Whether or not you are currently experiencing a Crazy Cycle in your own marriage, ask God to soften your hearts toward one another and give you the courage to faithfully pursue change wherever it is needed.

If you are completing this study on your own, apart from your spouse, take this time to pray for him or her and whatever is going on in their life that is keeping you from going through this study together. Pray that God will give you the strength that you need to love and respect your spouse, no matter their response. Pray also that God will reveal to you the root issues of your conflicts with your spouse and how you can begin to address them.

On Your Own Between Sessions

Prayer: Over the course of the next week, start off each day by asking God to help you to better love and respect your spouse in order to glorify Him through your marriage.

Encouragement: Make a commitment each day this next week to pick out at least one way your spouse made you feel loved or respected and share that with him or her.

Confession: If this session has helped you to recognize ways in which you have not lived out God’s expectation for you in marriage, spend some time sharing that with your spouse and asking for forgiveness.

List: Write down one practical way you can love or respect your spouse over the course of the next week. Commit to following through beginning the next session of the series.

Memorize: Commit Ephesians 5:33 to memory and ask God to teach you how best to live it out in your marriage.

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
-Ephesians 5:33