Sarah’s Practical Application: Part 2

As Your Husband I Feel Respected When…

Conquest: A man feels you appreciate his pursuits in his field (his desire to work and achieve) when you:

• thank him for going to work every day for the family
• cheer his successes whether in business or in sports
• ask him to talk about his dreams

Hierarchy: A man feels you appreciate his position as overseer (his desire to protect and provide and even die for you) when you:

• say to him, “I really do look up to you for feeling responsible for me”
• tell him that you are deeply touched by the thought that he would die for you
• praise his commitment to provide, i.e., “bring home the bacon”

Authority: A man feels you appreciate his power on your behalf (his desire to be strong, to lead, and to make decisions) when you:

• tell him he’s strong as you squeeze his muscle (it’s symbolic)
• praise his good decisions
• honor his authority in front of the kids and differ with him in private

Insight: A man feels you appreciate his perspective and proposals (his desire to analyze and counsel) when you:

• thank him for his advice and knowledge
• let him fix things and applaud his solution orientation
• tell him upfront you need “an ear” to listen and not a solution

Relationship: A man feels you value his partnership and pastimes (his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship) when you:

• tell him you like him
• do recreational activities with him, or watch him do them
• encourage alone time for him; this energizes him to reconnect with you later

Sexuality: A man feels you appreciate his passions and pleasures (his desire for sexual intimacy) when you:

• initiate periodically
• respond more often
• let him acknowledge his sexual temptations without shaming him

Question: What Is Respect? Answer. C-H-A-I-R-S

And the wife must respect her husband.
—Ephesians 5:33 NIV

The e-mail from Wendy stated: “I feel the biggest question or concern women have is, what is respect?” I wrote back to say I heartily agree; it is, in fact, the question wives ask me most. Not surprisingly, I answered it in much the same way I answered Nathan when he e-mailed to ask, what is love? Respect, for a man, is not rocket science. I described six practical, biblical ways that a wife can express respect for her husband in chapters 15 through 21 of Love & Respect, using the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S.

• C: Conquest. You are seeking to recognize and thank him for his desire to work and provide for his family (Genesis 2:15).
• H: Hierarchy. You are trying to thank him for his desire to be responsible in protecting and providing (Ephesians 5:23).
• A: Authority. You are trying to pull back from subverting his leadership, albeit innocently, and are seeking ways to acknowledge his desire to lead and serve (Ephesians 5:22).
• I: Insight. You are endeavoring to appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel by listening to the ideas and advice he offers (1 Timothy 2:14).
• R: Relationship. You are valuing his desire for you to be his friend and stand shoulder to shoulder with him (Titus 2:4; Song of Solomon 5:1).
• S: Sexuality. You are seeking to respond to him, appreciating his desire for sexual intimacy that only you can meet (Proverbs 5:19; 1 Corinthians 7:5).

The C-H-A-I-R-S acronym is the other half of the Energizing Cycle: her respect motivates his love. As I often share when speaking or writing, respect for the husband is a harder sell than love for the wife mainly because so many wives feel “he is failing to love me as he ought to, so he has to earn my respect.” Of course, that is just the point. He doesn’t have to earn her respect any more than she has to earn his love. Both are to be unconditional. God commands a wife to put on respect independent of who her husband is (1 Peter 3:1–2; Ephesians 5:33), just as God commands a husband to put on love regardless of his wife’s lovability (Ephesians 5:25, 33; Hosea 3:1).

But what about Wendy’s question: what, exactly, is respect? How does a wife show it? Note that all of the principles taught in C-H-A-I-R-S include the idea that the wife is to appreciate her husband’s desire to succeed at work, protect and provide, serve and lead, analyze and counsel, enjoy her friendship, and engage in sexual lovemaking. The respectful wife seeks to honor her husband’s desires, not because he is perfectly honoring her desires but because she intends to obey God’s call to give him unconditional respect. She realizes this really isn’t about her husband; it is God’s command to her as a wife (Ephesians 5:33).

As you engage in this devotional together, take a few moments to reflect on the respect in your marriage. Using the C-H-A-I-R-S acronym, look for the positives and pluses, not the negatives and minuses. Husband, guard against making this an “I gotcha!” game by just looking for ways you aren’t getting proper respect at all times. Instead, be thankful for your wife’s respectful words and actions. And wife, don’t feel defeated if showing respect may sometimes seem awkward. Like love, respect doesn’t just happen. Like love, respect is something to be carved out a little bit each day as the wife obeys God’s command “And the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

According to Dale Carnegie, “Truly respecting others is the bedrock of motivation.” When a wife truly respects a husband’s desires as outlined in C-H-A-I-R-S, most likely he will be motivated to truly love her as outlined in C-O-U-P-L-E, and the Energizing Cycle will hum!

Prayer: Thank the Lord for the respect that is present in your marriage. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance in appreciating and sharing the desires He built into men: to work and achieve, to protect and provide, to serve and to lead, to analyze and counsel, to enjoy shoulder-to-shoulder friendship, and to enjoy sexual intimacy.

Action: Use the suggestions at the end of the Love & Respect chapters on C-H-A-I-R-S, thirty-eight ideas in all, to explore and expand the concept of respect in your marriage.

For more “husband-friendly devotionals that wives truly love,” see Emerson’s book The Love & Respect Experience (Thomas Nelson, 2011).