The Energizing Cycle—C.H.A.I.R.S. Part 2

Hierarchy

H_______________Appreciating His Desire to _______________ and _______________

Ephesians 5:23-24 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself [being] the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject [“hupotasso”] to Christ, so also the wives [ought to be] to their husbands in everything.

1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.

Nehemiah 4:14 ... fight for your ... wives, and your houses.

Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1; 1 Corinthians 11:3; Titus 2:5

Proverbs 31:24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen.

Proverbs 31:27 She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Authority

A _______________ Appreciating His Desire to Be _______________ and to _______________

1 Corinthians 16:13 … act like men, be strong …

1 Kings 2:2 Be strong, therefore, and show yourself a man.

1 Timothy 3:5 … if a man does not know how to manage his own household …

1 Timothy 3:12 … good managers …

1 Timothy 2:12 But I do not allow a woman to ... exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.

Isaiah 3:12 … women rule over them …

Genesis 3:16 … your husband, and he shall rule over you.

1 Peter 3:1-2, 4 ... disobedient ... husbands ... may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your ... respectful behavior ... but [let it be] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Proverbs 19:13 ... the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.

Judges 14:16f And Samson’s wife wept before him ... “You only hate me, and you do not love me...” she wept before him seven days ... And ... he told her because she pressed him so hard ...And his anger burned.

Judges 16:15-16 She said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me?”... she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was annoyed to death.

Proverbs 31:16 She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.

1 Corinthians 12:28 And God has appointed in the church ... administrations …

Romans 12:8 He who leads …

Insight 

I_______________Appreciating His Desire to_______________ and _______________

Ephesians 5:25-26 Husbands, love your wives ... sanctify her ... with the word.

1 Timothy 2:14 … it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression.

2 Corinthians 11:3 But I am afraid, lest as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness …

Genesis 3:17 Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife …”

Deuteronomy 13:6 If ... the wife you cherish ... entice you secretly, saying, “Let us go and serve other gods...”

Job 2:10 He said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks ...”

Proverbs 9:13 The woman of folly is boisterous; she is naive, and knows nothing.

Proverbs 12:4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband ... she who shames him is rottenness to his bones.

1 Samuel 1:8 Then Elkanah her husband said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

Genesis 30:1-2 She said to Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die.” Then Jacob’s anger burnedagainst Rachel, and he said, “Am I in the place of God ...?”

2 Timothy 3:6 ... captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses.

Proverbs 30:20 She eats and wipes her mouth, and says, “I have done no wrong.”

Proverbs 19:14 ... a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth in wisdom.

Luke 18:9 And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt …

Luke 10:40 But Martha ... came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care ...?”

Relationship 

R_______________Appreciating His Desire for a Shoulder-to-Shoulder_______________

Titus 2:3-4 … encourage the young women to love [phileo] their husbands …

Song of Solomon 5:1,16 … friends … O lovers … This is my beloved and this is my friend …

‍Proverbs 31:11-12 … she does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

‍Proverbs 31:26 … the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

1 Corinthians 7:11 … let her ... be reconciled to her husband.

Malachi 2:14 … She is your companion and your wife …

Proverbs 7:11 She is boisterous and rebellious; her feet do not remain at home …

Proverbs 2:17 … That leaves the companion of her youth, and forgets the covenant of her God.

Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Sexuality

S _______________Appreciating His Desire for _______________Intimacy

Proverbs 5:19 Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.

Matthew 5:28 … everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her … in his heart.

1 Corinthians 7:4-5 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband[does]; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife[does]. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Answer Key

• Hierarchy -- Protect & Provide
• Authority -- Strong & Lead
• Insight -- Analyze & Counsel
• Relationship -- Friendship
• Sexuality -- Sexual

Testimony Time

For Better, Not Worse: A One-Sentence Success Story

Testimony Time: Several of you state briefly what you applied from the last session.

For example . . . 

• I decoded why my husband suddenly became moody after I said, “We need more income to pay these bills.” I realized he heard me putting him down as an inadequate provider.
• I told my husband how much I respect him for working so hard and providing for us as a family.
• I told my wife how much I appreciate that she works outside the home to help financially and recognize that her overall desire is for the home.

Hierarchy

Respecting His Desire to Provide and Protect—Even Die

1. What Is Going On in This Story?*

Missy complains to Stu, “I can’t believe you’d buy into that notion that the man is the breadwinner and defender of the castle. We’re equal and don’t you forget it. And while I’m expressing things that upset me about you, I can’t believe you walked ahead of me to the car. I almost fell on the ice. What if I had broken my leg? Would your insurance cover me? Plus, why did you let our teen son make fun of me and say that I looked like a calf on ice? Stu, you are pretty low on the ‘What-it means-to-be-a-human-being scale.’ ” Stu is crushed. He is put down for who he is and he closes off his spirit and walks away from her, refusing to talk.

• What does Stu need?

• Does Missy decode this?

• As a husband, in the past what would your response have been to Missy?

• As a wife, in the past what would your response have been to Stu’s response?

• Explain how this leads to the Crazy Cycle.

2. Right or Responsibility?

Ephesians 5:23–24 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject (the Greek word is hupotasso) to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” This verse teaches that the husband is “the head.” Is this a right or a responsibility? What is the difference?

Since being the head entails dying for one’s wife like Christ died for the church, is it accurate to say the Bible is stressing a husband’s responsibilities, and not his rights, over his wife? Why or why not?

3. Disrespect Breaks a Husband’s Spirit

As a young couple struggling in the ministry, E. V. Hill came home one evening to a dark home but Jane, his wife, was standing in the dining room with candlelight and a hot dinner! Wow! She had prepared this for the two of them. Before sitting down he decided to wash his hands in the bathroom. As he flipped on the lights, they did not come on. He realized the electricity had been turned off. Returning to Jane, she began to cry. “You work so hard, and we’re trying,” said Jane, “but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight.”

Dr. Hill described his wife’s words with intense emotion: “She could have said, ‘I’ve never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.’ She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, ‘Somehow or other we’ll get these lights back on. But tonight, let’s eat by candlelight’ ” (Dr. Dobson’s monthly newsletter, Feb. 1995, page 3).

What happens in the heart of a husband who is viewed by his wife as not being a good-enough provider?

How sensitive was E. V. Hill to the thought that his wife might not respect his desire and ability to provide for her?

Authority

Desire to be Strong and to Lead (to Make Decisions)

4. What Is Going On in This Story?*

A stalemate had arisen between Missy and Stu. Should they put money into a private school for the kids or hire an in-home teacher? Missy told Stu to evaluate the alternatives. As Stu got into it, he favored spending the money on private schooling. When he said this, something in Missy favored hiring an in-home teacher. Tension now existed. Stu said, “Okay, a decision has to be made. Before the fall, either the kids need to be enrolled or we need to hire someone. I’m making the decision in two days.” When he decided for private schooling, she reacted saying, “You can’t make the decision. We’re equal.” Stu blew his stack.

• What does Stu need?

• Does Missy decode this?

• As a husband, in the past what would your response have been to Missy?

• As a wife, in the past what would your response have been to Stu?

• How will this lead to the Crazy Cycle?

5. Good Managers

What do most Christian men believe God is calling them to do based on 1 Timothy 3:12?

Men, do you agree or disagree with these scriptures, that you must be one who knows how to manage his own household?

6. Markers of Authority

Dr. Deborah Tannen, the great linguist and expert in male and female communication, states that men are taller, more heftily built, and have a lower-pitched voice. She calls these “markers of authority.” Women are generally smaller, slighter, and have a higher-pitched voice.

What do you think of the idea that God created man with these “markers of authority” to enable him to carry out his responsibilities to protect and provide?

7. Leadership 101

Agree or disagree? Since the husband is called upon to manage his household and even die for his wife and family, then he is at least 51 percent responsible for the marriage.

Leadership 101 says that when a person has the primary responsibility, that person must have the primary authority. In business a person is set up for failure when told to be responsible, but then hears, “But you don’t have any authority to carry that out.”

Insight

Respecting His Desire to Analyze and Counsel

8. What Is Going On in This Story?*

Stu says to Missy, “I hesitate to bring this up, but I sometimes feel when you are with your friends, you bad-mouth others who have made you mad. You are discrediting these folks. Missy, you are too good of a person to get caught up in all this gossip and backbiting.” Missy yells, “You are right about being too good of a person. Who do you think you are to tell me anything? Don’t try to fix me. Women today are the better sex. We listen better, we understand better, and we empathize better. You insult me.” She heads to the garage, slams the door, and leaves.

Men, how would you respond to Missy’s self-righteous attitude? How do these attitudes affect a man’s willingness to give insight?

9. Eve Was Deceived

Just as a man has unique vulnerabilities because of his maleness (i.e., visual sexual temptations—2 Samuel 11:2; Matthew 5:28), a woman has unique vulnerabilities because of her femaleness.

We read about such a vulnerability in 1 Timothy 2:14, “. . . it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.”

What were the consequences when Eve was misled by another voice and her own feelings?

10. Her Invalid Feelings

A wife wrote: “I know the Lord created me an emotional being and that’s okay. But that I can be misled by my feelings was a ‘new’ thought for me.”

Women, think of a time when you were misled by your feelings, and if appropriate, share with the group.

What would happen if your husband remarked, “Honey, I know you want me to validate your feelings, but I don’t believe your feelings are valid on this specific matter”?

How does Matthew 18:16, where Jesus says that every fact must be confirmed by two or three witnesses (not every feeling be validated), apply to this situation?

Relationship

Appreciating His Desire For Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship

11. What Is Going On in This Story?*

In front of Stu, Missy told the marriage counselor, “I don’t accept Stu’s stupid invitations. He says, ‘Let’s go to the athletic club to walk and lift weights together.’ Or, ‘Hey, let’s go watch the basketball game.’ Or, ‘I thought about buying a tandem bike.’ But I refuse these requests. We need to work on our relationship. Communication is everything. If our relationship is going to make it, we need to be talking. Instead, he wants to play.”

How are Missy and Stu defining differently how they feel they should work on their relationship? Are they both right?

12. When Do Men Really Open Up?

Some educators believe boys should not go to school until age ten since up to that time they learn best outside, doing activities, and listening to stories. But get this. Jesus the Master Teacher had twelve men, spending most of his time outside, doing activities, and telling parables. Every man knows his best buddies are those he likes doing activities with shoulder-to-shoulder. Over time, they open up. They don’t need to talk a lot, but when together they are energized. Deborah Tannen’s research shows that men tend to sit shoulder-to-shoulder and periodically share their thoughts. Women on the other hand need to be face-to-face to talk.

Are men wrong? In her research the two sixteen-year-old boys opened up more than the other men and the women. However, they said very little yet were extremely transparent.

Most men open up after doing activities together, without much talking. What is the application of this to your marriage? Men, share how you relate to this.

13. Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship

Song of Solomon 5:16 says, “He is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.” Women, think back to your courtship. Do you remember expressing your desire to be with him as your forever friend?

What did he hear? “Wow, she will always be there to cheer me on!” He envisioned you being friendly day after day in the same way you envisioned him emotionally connecting with you day after day.

Though children came and life got busy, did his desire for friendship shoulder-to-shoulder change any more than your desire to talk face-to-face? Discuss.

14. She Likes Me, She Likes Me Not

Feeling exhausted and unloved, a negativity sets in. Some wives become unfriendly in the home. Ask a husband, “Does your wife love you?” He’ll answer, “Yes.” Then ask him, “Does she like you?” He’ll reply, “No, not today.”

Read Titus 2:3–4. Why do you think Paul tells the older women to encourage the younger women to love (phileo—friendship love) their husbands?

Sexuality

Appreciating His Desire for Sexual Intimacy

15. What Is Going On in This Story?*

Stu got up the courage to tell Missy of his sexual desires. Her retort was, “Well, I’m too tired. Besides, you don’t deserve sex. You never talk to me heart to heart.” Stu says, “But what am I trying to do right now? When I tell you deep things like this, you come uncorked.” Missy continues, “I don’t have the need. Besides, the kids take priority right now. What’s important is for you to talk to me about things that matter to me and then maybe these other things might happen.”

16. His Visual Orientation

Explain how the following verses reveal a man’s visual orientation and thus both his joy and struggle.

Proverbs 5:19 As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.

Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

17. Depriving

First Corinthians 7:5 says, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

What can happen when a husband, or for that matter a wife, is deprived sexually?

18. Getting to a Husband’s Heart

Comment on these ideas. Care about your wife’s heart and she’ll respond sexually. Care about a husband sexually and he’ll open his heart and respond to his wife’s heart. This begs the question: Who moves first?

What happens when both choose to be mature?

Immediate Application

Write down in the space below one or two things that came to mind during this session that you already know you need to begin applying or practicing this week.