On Abuse in Marriage

For decades, my position regarding abuse has been clear: when in harm’s way, get out. Separate. My mom separated from my dad for five years because of his abusive conduct. I have zero tolerance for abuse. I was a victim of this, even having watched my dad attempt to strangle my mom. I have incessantly made this point of getting out of harm’s way whenever the issue of abuse arises. 

Anyone who has read or listened to our 825 blogs and podcasts (three million downloads), been part of the two million who follow us on Facebook, read my fourteen books, or attended our live conference, knows that I have zero tolerance for abuse. I emphatically state, "Get out of harm's way. Are we clear? Turn to the authorities for help. Also, there are ten thousand shelters in the country ready to help any woman."

In fact, I wrote in the Love and Respect workbook, "What about physical abuse? The abused spouse can have a forgiving spirit, but immediate physical separation may be necessary. An abused wife need not ‘prove her forgiveness’ by subjecting herself and her children to more violence. That would not only be absurd, it could be fatal. My counsel is that an abused wife should bodily remove herself and her children from a violent husband. There are people in every community ready and able to help abused wives" (Appendix III).  

So, anyone who says, “Well, Emerson tells women to respect their husbands even if it means staying in harm’s way” is not being honest. In the thousands of emails we receive and try to respond to, when the issue of abuse (and/or adultery) is revealed, we say things like: 

Showing unconditional respect does not mean turning a blind eye to sin. The Bible says not to participate in the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11). Therefore you can still respectfully confront the sin of abuse and adultery by saying something like, “I believe in you, that is why I married you. Right now, you are not acting like the man of honor I know you desire to be. You need help. We must separate until you get third-party help and you make a better choice moving forward.” 

We never tell a woman that unconditional respect means subjecting herself to abuse or to ongoing betrayal from adultery. That's insane. I would never say that to my mom who encountered both abuse and adultery. 

As for the idea that the love and respect principles enable abuse (or adultery), the answer is: being a loving and respectful person who speaks truthfully is not enabling or causing a husband to be abusive or adulterous. As I wrote in Love & Respect, "The evil-willed man always treats those around him abusively" (p. 208). And Luke 6:45 states, "an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart." In other words, any such malice or unfaithfulness is his issue and has nothing to do with her respectful demeanor and confrontation. 

Let me add, Love & Respect was written with people of goodwill in mind. This book was not about how to deal with an abusive spouse. I am writing another book to those in crisis having to face what I call the 7 A's: adultery, abandonment, abuse, addiction, apathy, arrogance, and adversity. 

Yes, a wife should address these issues respectfully, as any human being should, but after speaking the truth in love, let's say over the phone, when he doesn't respond accordingly, she needs to stay out of harm's way, or confront the adultery and place conditions on the marriage like saying she is separating until he truly changes.

However, as she exits the front door or hangs up the phone, she need not scream, "I have contempt and hate for you. As a human being, you are a pig. You are despicable, disgusting, and deranged." All of that may be true, but it isn't necessary to speak this way. It will not accomplish anything, especially in front of the children. Like my mom, this woman needs to exit as a respectful, dignified woman. Yes, she is hurting beyond measure, like my mom, but my mom exemplified how to exit and live separately, and her example profoundly affected my life. Years later, my mom and dad reconciled, for which I am eternally grateful. Both came to Christ and served Him. My dad changed. Today, I talk about this in a message I call “The Wounded Healer.”