When You Can Be Right but Wrong with the Choice of Your Words

For many years I’ve shared the sentiment that “you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.” This stemmed from a conversation I had with my wife, Sarah, one night as we were driving home from a small group meeting I was leading. In her attempt to critique me and help me improve as a teacher, she ended up raising her voice to the point in which I was suddenly feeling very disrespected not only from her criticism but by the tone she was using to communicate it. And so I shared with her, “Sarah, you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.”

But it’s not only our tone a husband or wife must be cautious of when confronting their spouse or when communicating during a conflict. Sometimes it is the actual words or phrases we use that, though we do not intend for them to come across as unloving or disrespectful, are received and heard in just that way. So it could also be said that “you can be right but wrong with the choice of your words.”

You’ve probably figured out by now that your spouse does not speak the same language as you. What I mean is, there are simply some things that a husband and wife can hear but interpret in completely different ways. Or at times they may utter the exact same sentence but have entirely different meanings behind them.

For example, if a woman stands in her closet and says, “I have nothing to wear,” what she means is that she has nothing new to wear, and that she would really love to go shopping. But if a guy says the exact same thing, “I have nothing to wear,” he’s implying that a load of laundry needs to be done. Because he has nothing clean to wear.

The exact same five words, but two entirely different meanings.

Unfortunately, though, men and women’s “language” differences aren’t always as lighthearted and laughable. In fact, more times than not, they can cause real hurt that was never intended. And unlike tone where usually even the offender realizes they could have communicated in a more loving or respectful way, when we don’t speak the same language as our spouse we don’t usually realize how our word choice is making matters worse. Because we aren’t understanding how they’re interpreting our words.

For example, one wife who had been looking forward to spending a romantic twenty-fifth anniversary away with her husband said the following to him when it turned out he was not going to be able to get away on that weekend:

I begged you to help me make this special twenty-fifth anniversary possible and instead you spent all the extra monies on your work. Now, this special weekend, that meant so much to me, probably isn't going to happen.

This wife was hurt and disappointed, and rightfully so. Who wouldn’t wish they could get away for such a celebration with their spouse?! And she certainly should be able to express her feelings and wishes with her husband. By no means would I suggest such a wife simply smile, remain closed-lipped, and move along as though nothing had happened. That would not be healthy for her or them, and eventually it would all come out anyways, with volcanic force.

But do you know how her blue husband probably interpreted some of her word choice? When she said, “I begged you... ,” he heard her say, “I was in dire straits, crying out for help, and you neglected me. You forsook me, your innocent wife. You are cruel for turning a deaf ear to the appeal of a sweet dew drop like me.”

Such an accusation (or rather what he is interpreting as an accusation) wounds her husband deep in his core. Part of God’s design for him as a man is his desire to protect and provide for others, his wife of course being at the top of that list. So to picture his wife, who he would die for, as “begging,” as crying out for help, and accusing him of turning a deaf ear to her plea, crushes him.

When she told him “you spent all the extra monies on your work,” maybe that was true. Perhaps for one reason or another he felt he needed to reinvest their recent profits and savings into his business. Whether that was necessary is not the issue, though. Instead, the issue now is that he is hearing from his wife the message: “Your work is not justified, not here at this time, and truthfully this is all about you and what is important to you. I am not important. Your work is more important than your wife.”

Once again, this wounds him because it communicates to him that he is not providing for her what she most needs, when the truth is he works as hard as he does in order to provide for her needs. But in this moment, they were defining “needs” differently. He was looking at their financial needs; she was focusing on their intimacy needs. Neither is wrong, only different.

Finally, when the wife shared with her husband that the weekend she had hoped they were going to have “meant so much to me,” he focused on the word me and interpreted her as saying, “I know it means absolutely nothing to you, but this means much to me. It means nothing to you because you don't care.”

I do not believe that to be true for this husband, nor do I believe his wife means that. Of course they would both love the opportunity to get away for a romantic weekend. But the implied accusation hurts her husband and puts words in his mouth that he never said nor intended to say.

I suggested to this wife that she instead try again communicating her disappointment and hurt in a way that her blue husband would not misinterpret as disrespect. Something like: “I was looking forward to our anniversary. I had planned a couple things to really honor who you are as my husband. I can and will still do that, but getting away would have been such an enjoyable time for me so that the two of us could be together and I could express certain things about you I admire. Plus, I was hoping to be very intimate with you, if you know what I mean, and getting away like this really allows me to respond to you. So, I am disappointed, but in light of our limited finances, I accept that we will not be going. If a change can happen that would be great, but if not, I propose going to such and such place to eat. Any thoughts?"

Maybe it’s too late to change plans at this late notice, but the point is what she is now communicating. She is sharing her disappointment, which is certainly understandable, and respectfully allowing room for him to reconsider, if such a getaway might still be possible. But even if not, she is seeking to show respect (unto Christ). And she is doing this because God commands this, not because her husband deserves this. She is also portraying the time away as a chance to minister to him, for who he is as their provider and all she means to him.

This is an example of what I call “Respect Talk,” the language her husband speaks and understands. Maybe getting away for the upcoming celebration will still not be possible. But with these words, she spoke his language of respect, she made an appeal to him as her provider, as well as her lover, and he is no longer offended by any unintended accusations from an unwise choice of words. As was proven by her response to my suggestion:

Wow, Emerson! I am amazed to find out how I would be coming across if I said what I was planning to say! I had no idea! When I read your analysis, it makes perfect sense! My husband did agree to help me have a nice anniversary by not spending too much, but I know him well enough by now - he just forgot and was only thinking about what he needed to do his job in Nigeria. But I know he is good-willed and wanted to help me and also wants to get away with me for our anniversary.

She was right with both her intentions and her choice of words! As a result, her husband heard his native language of respect and the Crazy Cycle was averted!