Understanding Your Motivation in Your Marriage, Part 2: Moving Forward

Part 1 showed us how blaming the spouse and negative profiling do not heal a marriage. It does not solve the problem.

What should you do with a disrespectful wife?

How do you handle an unloving husband?

Moving Forward

I have learned that spouses who move forward to heal the marriage do not habitually and negatively profile.  

Instead they ask,

“What can I do to move this relationship forward? Give me the tools to motivate and influence the spirit of my spouse. I want to do what I can do. I cannot control or change my spouse; I can only control and change myself.”

What does this mean for a wife who sees her husband as unloving or for a husband who sees his wife as disrespectful? Each reconsiders their interpretation or profiling.

Unloving Husband

In most cases, your husband does not see himself trying to be unloving. Thus, he sees himself in a more favorable light than you do, especially when he looks at his sincere attempts to be loving.

Ok, what about his nasty moments? He is probably feeling disrespected and is pushing back to even the score in his own mind.

Yes, that pushback devastates you. I get it, and my goal is to help him understand how he is coming across in an unloving way.

However, he is not as bad as you think he is.

Yes, he can be more loving, but that does not mean he is trying to be unloving day in and day out.  Also, a man withdraws and stonewalls because that's the honorable thing to do to calm things down and prevent a conflict from escalating.

However, in a woman's world that emotional disconnect feels extremely unloving.

Who's right?

Yes.

Disrespectful Wife

A word to you husbands: In most cases your wife does not see herself trying to be disrespectful. Thus, she sees herself in a more favorable light than you see her, especially when she looks at the many things she does that she thinks are respectful.

Ok, what about her nasty moments?

She probably feels unloved and is pushing back to awaken you to her vulnerability.

Of course, that pushback provokes you. I get it, and my goal is to help her understand how she is coming across in a disrespectful way.

However, she is not as bad as you think she is.

Yes, she can be more respectful, but that does not mean she is trying to be disrespectful day in and day out. Also, a woman can aggressively move toward her husband to talk because that's the loving thing to do to bring about resolution and feelings of reconciliation.

She does this to help the relationship.

However, in a man's world that kind of emotional confrontation feels extremely provocative and disrespectful.

Who's right?

Yes.

Next, we will share three areas you need to understand in order to move your relationship forward. These three insights will encourage you and can change the trajectory of your marriage!

-Dr. E