Trusting Your Wife's Goodwill

Goodwill is the intention to do good toward a husband. During conflicts or disagreements, a husband should give his wife the benefit of the doubt. Proverbs 31:11,12 states: "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

Sometimes, even well-intentioned actions can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. It's essential to maintain sight of her good intentions despite these conflicts.

May I strongly suggest as a husband you guard against three things:

1. Guard against denying God’s Word.
2. Guard against impugning her motive.
3. Guard against your false projection.

Guard Against Denying God's Word

Trust In Her Good Will By Believing What God Said About Her Concern to Please You.

As I delved deeper into marriage counseling, I was astounded by the level of conflict, even among Christian couples. They would rail and scream at each other, seemingly devoid of any desire to serve each other with goodwill. It was disheartening, and I often found myself wondering, "Don't these people care about each other at all?" But I persevered, turning to the Bible for guidance that could truly help husbands and wives.

In my search, I stumbled upon 1 Corinthians 7:32-34: “One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord… but one who is married is concerned about… how he may please his wife… And the woman who is unmarried… is concerned about the things of the Lord… but one who is married is concerned about… how she may please her husband.”

I had read this passage countless times before, but this time, it struck me differently. Despite Paul's advocacy for celibacy, he clearly acknowledged that husbands and wives are concerned about pleasing each other. Paul didn't discourage marriage by highlighting the inevitable failures and disappointments; instead, he recognized that married couples think about how to please one another. This realization gave me hope and led me to believe that underlying goodwill exists in most marriages.

Armed with this newfound perspective, I began questioning the couples I counseled, "Does your spouse have basic goodwill?" I asked. "That is, although your spouse fails you at times, does your spouse generally intend to do you good?" I was not just surprised but truly inspired when most couples answered affirmatively and without hesitation. I thought to myself, "Emerson, you have discovered something profound."

For the couples who seemed unsure, I rephrased my question, "Let me put it this way: In general, does your spouse wake up with the intention of displeasing you or showing a lack of concern? Is your spouse purposefully unloving or disrespectful?" Those who initially hesitated often responded, "No, I don't think my spouse plans to do evil, but I wish they would be more loving or respectful."

"I agree with you," I would respond, "but that's a different issue. I just want to ensure you don't believe your spouse is deliberately planning to hurt you." Most of the hesitant couples replied, "No, I wouldn't say my spouse is premeditating evil."

"So," I pressed, "even though your spouse can be nasty or selfish at times, do you believe you are married to someone with basic goodwill toward you?"

Almost all answered the same: "Yes."

As a husband, then, I invite you to trust and stand on God's Word about your wife. According to Paul, your wife is concerned about how to please you; that is at her core. She does not arise early in the morning to storyboard ways to displease throughout the day. In Proverbs 31:11,12 we read about the noble and virtuous woman. "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." She is worthy of the husband's trust because she does him good and not evil.

I know of one husband who assumed his wife had good will and while it helped him have a positive attitude, it also changed her entire attitude toward him: "I started giving her the benefit of the doubt. I didn't tell her she was disrespectful or anything. The results are stunning. She has been easier to live with. She has nagged less. She has shown increased interest in my hobbies (like asking about them). And she has said I am like a new person." All this from simply giving her the benefit of the doubt about her having good will!

Listen to what this husband wrote to his wife.

Hey Babe,

Since we have been fighting so much, I wanted to tell you a few things that are really good, so I can go to sleep more happy than sad. Here are a few things I love about you:

1. ‍You are an amazing mom.
2. I love watching you prepare for your Bible study and know how well you serve those ladies.
3. I love knowing that we are both loyal to each other and don't have any lame vices.
4. I love it when you join me and the kids in a wrestling match.
5. I love that you want the best for your clients, even when that means checking them into a clinic and not getting to see them for a while.
6. You have amazing legs and perfect breasts!
7. I love knowing that you are praying for me and our marriage.

I love you!

Good night.

Another husband talks of his wife's Christian values, forgiving heart, joyful rendering, expressions of love. He looks to the positives.

"I am profoundly thankful to have a wonderful marriage, largely because my wife embodies true Christian values. She might be an atypical woman, which perhaps makes it easier for her too. I'd like to share a few thoughts if you have the time... My wife is remarkable in that she is always very quick to forgive me. She also excels in what our pastor’s wife discreetly referred to at a women’s meeting as “Joyful Rendering” (I heard her giggle on the tape and say, “I know you all know what I’m talking about”)... In many ways, we are an atypical couple. I constantly tell her how much I love her—so much so that I sometimes fear the words might lose their meaning for her. I often reminisce about how deeply I loved her before we got married and how much I desired her love. I have never gotten over the joy of having her as my wife.” 

Guard Against Impugning Her Motive

Trust In Her Good Will By Focusing on Her Actions Without Impugning her Motives

In relationships, it's crucial to trust your wife's goodwill by addressing specific actions rather than impugning her motives or attacking her character. 

For instance, when confronting issues like overspending on gifts for others, focus on the action of overspending rather than assuming she is selfish and malicious toward you. Why attack her inner person as wicked and disrespectful when her heart is in the right place? Why go there when you can gently and lovingly address the need to stay on budget and propose new and improved ways to practically do that? Propose new actions; don't tell her she has selfish motives. Don't shout, "You just want to impress people and don't care about our finances."

A good leader will say, "Let's talk about why it's important to spend this much on gifts? Let's find a way to manage our budget while still making sure you feel good about our gifts."

What are some other actions she takes that could frustrate you with the result that you attack her character?

She overcommits at church and school as a volunteer. Address the importance of wise calendaring but don't tell her she isn't a respectful person toward you because you feel a measure of neglect due to her overcommitment.

She is overly protective of the kids. Yes, address that it is impossible to hover over the kids like a helicopter mom 24/7 but don't tell her she lives in fear, doesn't trust God, and is suffocating the children.

She cleans excessively and organizes everything like she has O.C.D. Yes, she pushes herself and maybe others too much but don't tell her she has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Instead, honor her for her diligence and desire to serve but invite her to talk through ways to prevent exhaustion and spend more time with you.

She initiates frequent conversations for relationship improvement which sometimes overwhelms you. Yes, she can be critical during those conversations but is her motivation to condemn you as some kind of cruel judge or to enrich the relationship with you? Why impugn her motive when she has goodwill? Instead, why not propose doing shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking, like going golfing with you, in addition to the face-to-face times talking?

Guard Against Your False Projection

Trust In Her Good Will By Being Self-Aware That to the Impure All Are Impure - Guard Against Your False Projections

The Bible says, “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.” (Titus 1:15, NIV)

This verse suggests that a person who lies all the time assumes others are lying to them. A person who cheats guards against being cheated. We refer to this as projecting onto others what we ourselves do.

This isn't true for everyone but it also happens more often than we consider.

If a husband has been flirting with women at the office, what does he think when he sees his wife talking to the male neighbor down the street? He could very well falsely project onto her what he does: flirt. He is not pure, so he assumes his wife might not be pure. After all, to the pure, all things are pure.

Growing up, his mother always apologized to him after being rude to him or neglecting him. But soon enough, his mom would do again what she had just apologized for. Now, as a newlywed, his wife comes to him to apologize for something. Naturally, he projects onto his wife that she is insincere in apologizing. He tells this woman of goodwill, "You are lying. You don't mean it."

As an insecure man and now married, he fears his new wife might leave him. Having a fear of abandonment, when he and his wife quarrel, he projects a meaning onto her criticism and complaints: she wants to leave me. In a panic, he angrily tells her that she wants out of the marriage, which leaves her in disbelief since she has nothing but love and goodwill toward him.

Feeling financially inadequate as a man, he believes his wife sees him as inadequate, so he interprets specific comments she makes in all innocence about not having enough money for groceries as meaning he is financially inadequate and failing. She is lightyears away from that meaning so when he withdraws in anger and a poutful mood, she is clueless on what upsets him.

When growing up, his failures in front of his dad at carrying out fixing things mechanically colors his view of how he thinks his wife sees him when working on projects around the house.

He struggles with his strength and courage as a male, so when she tells him to quit whining he thinks she is telling him he isn’t man enough for her.

These false projections can cause significant misunderstandings and hurt in a marriage. 

Conclusion

Trusting your wife's goodwill is foundational for a strong and meaningful marriage. By believing in her concern to please you, focusing on her actions without impugning her motives, and guarding against false projections, you can foster a relationship built on trust, respect, and understanding. Remember, as Proverbs 31:11-12 states, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

This means then:

1. Guard against denying God’s Word.
2. Guard against impugning her motive.
3. Guard against your false projection.