Though She Could Divorce, a Wife Chooses to Stay

In Matthew 19:9, Jesus said, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Put another way, if a spouse has committed adultery, this kind of immorality is grounds for the marriage’s dissolution.

However, it is important to make clear that Matthew 19:9 is not a command for a person to divorce his or her unfaithful spouse, nor is it even a recommendation. Instead, it should be viewed as an allowance. For even when there is adultery, God does not change His opinion of divorce. “For I hate divorce,” He declared clearly and strongly in Malachi 2:16. God cannot contradict Himself. His word on divorce remains true in all situations.

When the apostle Peter wrote his first letter to the scattered believers across the region, I am confident he had in mind victims of adultery when he penned, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

With this word from God in mind, must a person divorce his or her unfaithful spouse? No. Can they win them over to Christ? Yes. Or should we not believe the Word of God to be true?

Even this wife chose to stay with her husband, despite his long and unfaithful history:

Yesterday, while deep cleaning in our bedroom, I discovered cards that my husband had received from another woman with many references to the wedding they were planning together. He has had a history of affairs over our 25 years of marriage, plus three years of dating and engagement. I thought we had had a breakthrough in April and that he no longer had any contact with this last woman. Now, I am wondering and am deeply hurting. Our marriage has been void of much affection for a long, long time. I am so unhappy and lonely. I am overwhelmed, but I am reading through your book a second time. I am feeling deep remorse for how disrespectfully I have verbally beaten him up over this ongoing infidelity. Help! I am in need of hope! Thank you and God bless you for this message on respect that I have not understood before.

In a later correspondence when she updated their situation for me, she wrote:

When I asked him about the cards, he acted like he had no clue. At his request, I read parts of them to him and asked what it was all about. He said he didn't remember having the cards and didn't understand the meaning of them. He continued to tell me that he and this woman had a very close relationship, much like Jonathan and David, and that it was too bad that they couldn't still see each other and do things together. I see that as emotional abandonment/adultery. . . .

The next night, I cried going to sleep again. By the third night, I felt so needy for affection that I decided to take my chances at initiating sex. At first he was apprehensive and said that we had had a bad week, but we had gotten a lot done, so okay. It was an okay experience and I let him know how wonderful it felt to be close to him. Sometimes, I feel there has been so much damage done that I can't possibly imagine being able to turn this around. Yet, I know that God is bigger than this. I am just so devastated at the hardness of heart that my husband has toward me that has grown over all these years.

Could this wife leave her husband, given she is being truthful about his history of affairs and his current desire to remain in at least an emotional relationship with this latest woman? Yes, Jesus made that clear in Matthew 19.

But for the time being at least, she is choosing to stay with him, believing in God’s word from 1 Peter 3 that perhaps her “chaste and respectful behavior” might win him over. As she put it, she knows that “God is bigger than this.”

I would also add, however, this is about her (and our) call from God to suffer. Above our marriages, God is calling us all to imitate Jesus. He is calling us to experience His favor by bearing up under sorrows and unjust suffering. Consider what Peter had written in his letter just prior to his word to the wives of disobedient men:

For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in his mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously. (1 Peter 2:19-23)

It is a privilege to suffer as Christ suffered. Now, hear me on this. I am not saying He calls us to suffer physically at the hand of an abusive spouse. When this is the case, my immediate response is always the same: Get out. My dad once tried strangling my mom when I was only a toddler and she got out of harm’s way, taking my sister and me with her. Don’t be foolish. God expects us to defend what we know is right and to stand against what is clearly wrong, including physical abuse.

But in this example of the wife of the adulterous husband, though she could leave him without sin, she chose to stay in obedience to all Christians’ call from God to be willing to suffer as Christ suffered. She is choosing to speak to him more respectfully than she has in the past, and she is attempting to renew a physical intimacy between the two of them, though clearly that is difficult for her. God has wired women to need to connect emotionally before they can desire to connect physically. Even though he is depriving her of her emotional needs, she strives to satisfy his physical needs.

May her tribe increase! This is a faith venture in her imitation of Jesus. Her faith and actions will result in eternal rewards for her. Her husband is actually more of a “means” than an “end.” Though she certainly wants a godly marriage as an end in itself, this is more about her husband being a means to deepening and demonstrating her love and reverence for Christ. In some ways, her husband is irrelevant.

I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that comes from being the victim of spousal adultery. I would not wish that upon anyone, nor do I blame the spouse who decides they simply cannot handle the deception any longer. But I do commend those who choose to do their part to love and respect, to suffer for Christ, with hopes to win over the disobedient one. Because even in the instances that do not find a happy ending between husband and wife, God’s Word guarantees a happy ending for the one choosing to suffer as Christ suffered.

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve” (Colossians 3:23-24).