Roommates Settle for Compromise, but a Husband and Wife Seek Win-Win

After sharing with a group about the biblical principles behind the Win-Win Marriage, someone stated to me, "I get the feeling that you may avoid using the word compromise or that you think compromise has a negative connotation." This was indeed a perceptive observation from an astute individual who had correctly noticed that in neither the written materials nor the oral discussion for the Win-Win Marriage did I substitute the word compromise when talking about a husband and wife finding win-win.

Because yes, I believe there is a negative overtone to the word compromise.

When most consider the idea of compromise, they think of the word concession. Even the dictionary defines compromise as “an agreement or a settlement of a dispute reached by each side making concessions.” Concession means “giving up something, yielding something, surrendering, or sacrificing.” If making concessions is an accurate definition of compromise, then there is certainly a negative undermeaning to the word.

This does not mean that compromises should not be made between feuding nations, opposing political parties, or other groups seeking ways to work together. No war ever ended without appropriate concessions being made by both sides. Rarely does anything ever get passed in Congress without both sides sacrificing a few of their ideological preferences.

But surely we can all agree that a husband and wife united by God should be held to a higher standard of working together than warring countries and bullheaded politicians, right? And this is why I am intentional to use the term win-win instead of compromise when talking about how I believe a husband and wife can find agreement despite their differing opinions and preferences. 

In the context of marriage, what is the negative nuance behind the idea of compromise? A husband and wife seeking compromise tell themselves, "Both of us need to give up something so that neither are as happy as we would have been given we got 100 percent of what we wanted. Oh, well, at least we got something."

Whereas in win-win, a husband and wife will make compromises when they have differing viewpoints, but in making these concessions it leads to each feeling as though they received more not less, though technically they have less than they originally wanted. 

All of us must understand the irony here when two people receive less but feel they have more. A perfect example is found in an episode for the HGTV program Designing for the Sexes. The host, Michael Payne, was working with a couple where the wife wanted all traditional furniture and the husband liked all contemporary. Payne explained his genius win-win solution: “So what I did with a couple of their rooms was: In one, while keeping in mind what I heard from her about what she liked, I would create a traditional interior that was mostly for her. Then, within that same room, I’d take a piece of contemporary furniture, place it in a very obvious space and spotlight it, making it the focal point of what was mostly a very traditional room. This furniture piece could be anything: a dresser, an armoire . . . you name it and it would work. Because I placed so much focus on the contemporary, it made the traditional look even more traditional, and the contemporary piece look even more contemporary.”

In the end, the wife relished her traditional even more because of the unique contrast with the contemporary. Her taste for traditional popped out by comparison. In the husband’s section of the house furnished in contemporary, the contrasting traditional elated him as well.

Though the wife gave up 100 percent traditional furniture in the home (she compromised), the traditional popped out even more by contrast with the contemporary piece of furniture. In giving up 20 percent as part of the "compromise" or "concession," which left her 80 percent traditional, the wife ended up seeing and appreciating her traditional even more though she had less traditional! The compromise or concession in a win-win approach leads to more though it might be less!

Payne proved here that not only is win-win feasible, but both were able to be happier with 80 percent of what they originally wanted than they would’ve been had one received 100 percent, due to the dynamic and beauty of contrast in the 80 percent. You might say this is another version of “less is more.” The same can be true in marital issues beyond home décor. More often than we can imagine, a husband and wife can find blended options that bring greater individual enjoyment than if one had gotten his or her own way.

This is the goal of win-win. With consideration, imagination, and cooperation, we see compromise through the lens of finding a creative alternative or third option that makes us happier with 80 percent, so to speak, than with 100 percent. But we must first be able to accept this healthy paradox, which is accepting a seemingly absurd proposition such as “less is more.” We saw this paradox firsthand in Designing for the Sexes. The wife received less traditional furniture but all of her senses were energized to feel like she received more traditional. 

You might call it sleight of hand, but more accurately what happened is that with the win-win approach she received an additional item—the light on the contemporary that created a contrast. She did not have that before. So, did she receive more with less, or did she actually receive more with the lighted contrast? Yes!

Regardless, win-win seeks to remove the negative connotation of the word compromise by highlighting the aim of finding another way forward where not only is our spouse's happiness equal to our own, but we are both happier with the outcome.

Can we achieve this all the time? No. But some people have never been informed that it can be achieved at all. As a result they become roommates avoiding conflict as best they can since no one informed them that a win-win was just around the corner and that with a little knowledge and skill, they could be high-fiving it and saying excitedly to each other, “That works for me!”