Pornography Destroys the Heart of a Wife and the Marriage

In Exodus 20:14, when God first gave Moses and the Israelites the Ten Commandments, He listed plain and simple: “You shall not commit adultery.” Later, during Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, He reemphasized this command: “You have heard it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’” (Matthew 5:27). And, oddly enough, the world agrees with this! 

Though sadly adulterous acts still happen every day and tear marriages apart, as God knew it would when out of His love and grace for us He first gave us this command for our own protection, they are not done so with cultural approval. Across history, men and women, believers and nonbelievers, will almost all agree: adultery is wrong.

Unfortunately, however, the pool that many decide is okay to put their feet in, if not jump straight into the deep end, is that of which Jesus spoke of in the very next verse: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (v. 28).

Almost everyone agrees: adultery is wrong. But lusting over another woman, such as the ladies at your gym, or the pornographic images that are only one click away on the Internet? How harmful can that be, some may ask, if it never leads to the physical act of adultery with another woman?

In my books, I address the destructive results of viewing pornography.

In 2007, I wrote in The Language of Love and Respect that “pornography is basically a male problem”:

Men are sexually stimulated by what they see, and there is no disputing the fact that the male’s visual orientation impacts his thoughts, preferences, and feelings. Anyone who has been part of a candid discussion in a men’s group knows this to be true. For further proof, consider the pornography industry. Males view pornography disproportionately more often than do females. In fact, females involved in the porn industry are there for the money, not the sex. I have received hundreds of e-mails and letters from wives who have husbands struggling with pornography.

A female therapist writes: 

My ex-husband basically was living a double life: the one I saw (good Christian man) and the other that surfaced during our marriage, revealing a secret life steeped in Internet pornography . . . There came a point where his choices were so hurtful and destructive to me that I filed for divorce. He chose his “right” to view and masturbate to pornography (which by the way became the only “sex life” going on in our marriage) over working on our relationship. . . . Unfortunately, Internet pornography becomes more prevalent with men (and therefore for women) every day. I see it in my practice on a daily basis with men in all walks of life, from pastors to truck drivers.

A husband’s e-mail said: 

I have not committed adultery in the physical sense, but I have in the spiritual and emotional sense. I have viewed pornography on the Internet for most of the last six years. More destructively, I have spent time on a free dating site, advertising for a mistress, and while borrowing my computer to do a paper, my college freshman step-daughter discovered it.

This man’s sexual vulnerability tempted him into pornography, which has further resulted in a breakdown in his family, and his wife no longer trusts him. Viewing pornography not only destroys marriage, but these “fleshly lusts [that] wage war against the soul” of the husband also render him ineffective for Christ (1 Peter 2:11). (pages 64-65)

Sadly, viewing pornography has become accepted by too many in the culture. But God’s Word has not changed. Every man needs to understand the devastation pornography brings to his wife and the destruction it brings to the marriage. In 2004 I wrote the following in Love & Respect:

Have you ever thought about how difficult it is for a wife in today’s sex-happy, pornography-riddled, “swimsuit issue” world? The way in which she looks at that world through her pink sunglasses is much different than the way you look at it through your blue ones. That is why Job had the right idea: “I made an agreement with my eyes. I promised not to look at another woman with sexual longing” (Job 3:11 NIRV). Job recognized that “sinful people are destroyed. Trouble comes to those who do what is wrong” (Job 31:3 NIRV). Job understood the impact of his actions, not only on his spiritual life but also on his relationship to his wife. 

All husbands might learn from Job at this point. When a woman senses that her husband has made a covenant with God and that he’s trying to make Jesus the Lord of his life in every area, including his marriage, she feels more secure. When she is assured of her husband’s love and loyalty, she is energized and motivated. This is the way God has made her, and this is why the covenant of marriage is based upon loyalty—until death do you part. (page 167) 

I would ask every man seeking to follow Christ to take whatever steps necessary to prevent this ultimate destruction coming to him. If addicted, there are groups designed to serve such individuals, but one must acknowledge the addiction. I recommend calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) and talking with a counselor.

If one is not addicted but continually tempted, there are software programs like Covenant Eyes designed to monitor pornographic viewing that reports this to accountability partners. I also encourage men to pair up with their own accountability partners in their fight against pornography and lust. The point is, be active in attacking this temptation, because “your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). We all need help in defending ourselves against this relentless lion!