Love and Respect Is About More Than Feelings

Some folks say, “I will love you as long as I feel love for you,” or “I will respect you as long as I feel respect for you, and I certainly won’t respect you if you have not earned it.”

But we need to step back for a moment. In marriage, our spouse will not always be lovable or respectable. Does that mean we should not treat them lovingly and respectfully? To help you answer that, consider the opposite. If you are not having one of your more lovable or respectable days, is it okay for your spouse to say, “Because I don’t feel any love for you, I can treat you unlovingly”? Or, “Because I don’t feel any respect for you, I can treat you disrespectfully”? Few would agree with that.

What Is the Actual Command in Ephesians 5:33?

When reading Ephesians 5:33, where God commands the husband to love and the wife to respect, Christ followers need to know that God’s instruction is about the husband being loving, not about the wife being lovable. It is about the wife being respectful, not about the husband being respectable. 

In the Old Testament, God instructed the prophet Hosea to love an adulterous woman, his wife Gomer; and in the New Testament Peter instructed wives to win a disobedient husband through their respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1-2). God’s instruction was not for Gomer to be more loving and stop committing adultery or for the husbands to act more respectful and stop disobeying His Word (though certainly both are His desire), but for the spouses to love and respect them regardless of their behavior.

The conclusion we must draw from these scriptural examples is that no condition, situation, or circumstance justifies a husband being hateful, harsh, and unloving—not even when his wife commits adultery. As well, no condition, situation, or circumstance justifies a wife being contemptuous, shaming, and disrespectful—not even when her husband is disobedient to God’s Word. This is about who God calls a husband and wife to be, not about who a spouse fails to be. In other words, we cannot blame them for our unloving and disrespectful reactions. We are free to be loving and respectful no matter what. This is the meaning of unconditional love and respect. We can truly believe and declare, “I am free to be a loving and respectful person, and my spouse cannot stop me from obeying God’s command to me in Ephesians 5:33.”

We Still Have an Obligation to Love and Respect

This means we own up to our responses. That is why I say, “my response is my responsibility.” Sarah doesn’t cause me to be unloving but reveals my choice to be unloving. In fact, even if she shows me disrespect, God calls me to be a loving man. We all know this isn’t easy, but we also know it is true. Our spouse cannot make us show hatred and contempt. That is our choice. In that sense, we are free to go either direction. In light of that, the mature person makes a decision to love and respect even if it isn’t reciprocated. 

This is why we must recognize that love and respect include feelings but are not based on emotions. Love and respect are based on one’s commitment to obey God’s Word. One decides, volitionally, to be a loving and respectful person. This is seen in one’s actions, attitudes, tone, and demeanor. 

When we choose to love and respect our spouse, we demonstrate these through our actions. In other words, we do not stomp our feet, scream in their face, or walk away and not return to finish a discussion. We demonstrate these through our attitudes. We don’t roll our eyes, pout, or convey pessimism. Instead we demonstrate a loving and respectful tone and demeanor that is not harsh, shrieked, angry, or arrogant. And, certainly one’s word choice refrains from words that sound unloving, harsh, disrespectful, and contemptuous.

At the same time, there are conditions that need to be in place. Unconditional love and respect does not mean we give a spouse license to do anything they wish. Instead, we lovingly and respectfully confront their behaviors that are not lovable and respectable. We speak the truth in love and with respect. 

The good news is that our goodwilled spouse needs love and respect from us. These are foundational needs. Typically, when we act with love and respect, they are energized and motivated to respond in a similar way to us. As Christ followers, we experience a healthy, holy, and happy marriage. As a result, we are a team that can weather the storms, metaphorically speaking. 

No one denies that putting on such love and respect is easy. But we must always recognize there is no neutrality here. We will either be loving or unloving. We will either be respectful or disrespectful. The mature person realizes there is only one course of action, and this mature person also realizes their spouse cannot cause them to be unloving and disrespectful.

Bottom line: Love and respect in marriage are more than just feelings. They entail our choice to be this way in action, attitude, tone, and demeanor. We will be this way even if our spouse is not this way.