Is Your Marriage Stuck in a Cycle? We’ve Got a Name for That (And a Plan!)

We’ve all at some point entered a room, flipped the light switch, and discovered that the lights won’t come on. When this happens, what is usually the next thing we do? Right, we try it a second time. Maybe even a third time. But short of the rare situation where we learn our first failed attempt to turn on the light was merely a result of us not flipping the switch all the way, did our second and third attempts produce different results? Not at all. 

Would any reasonable person continue to attempt turning the light on by simply flipping the switch on . . . off . . . on . . . off . . . on . . . off . . . ? Of course not. They’d start with checking the light bulb, then maybe an unplugged cord, perhaps a tripped circuit breaker. But if he simply stood there flipping the switch constantly for half an hour, we’d begin to wonder, “Is this guy a little crazy? Doesn’t he see the cycle he’s in and that it’s obviously not working?”

Every married couple has cycles of their own that they go through, and sadly many do not recognize when they’re stuck inside one, which has unfortunately contributed to the 50 percent divorce rate in our country, even within the church. And as with the “crazy” person who flips the light switch on and off for half an hour, to no avail, the same can be said about the husbands and wives doing the same things over and over in their marriage with the same ill effect—the cycle is driving them crazy. 

And that is exactly why I call it the Crazy Cycle: Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love. On and on it goes, and where it stops no one knows.

Does this cycle sound familiar to you? It did to one wife who wrote me recently. She had even recognized that she and her husband were stuck in a cycle well before she heard the term I had for it!

I am twenty-seven years old and have been married for three years. My husband and I were starting to have the same conflicts over and over, so I started praying, "Lord, it feels like we're stuck in a cycle." I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I realized that we were starting to develop some patterns.

She went on to begin describing some of these patterns. She wrote, “I confront to connect and he pulls away when my attempts at connection come across disrespectfully.” But of course she admitted that she had previously not recognized the reasons behind their individual actions and pattern. She only saw that she would confront and he would pull away. She’d confront again and he’d pull away again. On and on this went—they were in a cycle!

This wife may be encouraged to know that the cycle she described is one that plagues most husbands and wives. The reasons she confronts and he pulls away go back to the different ways that they have been designed as men and women. Genesis tells us that in the beginning God created us male and female. Our male and female differences go well beyond biology, as any woman can admit when she watches her husband yelling through a TV screen at his favorite sports team or when a husband observes his wife crying “tears of joy” with her BFF.

Other male and female differences of ours reveal themselves in conflict when out of love for her husband and the relationship, she confronts in order to heal the relationship; while at the same time, out of love for his wife and the relationship, he pulls away to give room for the relationship to heal. Two extremely opposite methods, but with the same, commendable mission. Not wrong, just different. 

Yet it is still a cycle that will not stop on its own. And the more she tries to connect only to have him continue to pull away, the more unloved she will feel. And the more he tries to pull away, only to have her follow him to connect, the more disrespected he will feel. So how does a couple begin to slow down and eventually pull out of this cycle? Revisiting the wife’s note above, let’s see what she said next after recognizing she and her husband were stuck in a cycle:

My husband and I were starting to have the same conflicts over and over, so I started praying, "Lord, it feels like we're stuck in a cycle." I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I realized that we were starting to develop some patterns—and my NUMBER ONE concern was not feeling loved enough.

Again, she’s far from alone! We asked 7,000 people this question: When you are in conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? Eight-three percent of the men said “disrespected.” Seventy-two percent of the women said “unloved.”

This wife and her husband were just like so many others. She admitted that her most pressing concern was not feeling loved, as well that her husband was pulling away because he was feeling disrespected in her attempts to connect. 

“Okay, So We’re Just Like Everyone Else. But What’s the Plan to Get Out of the Cycle?”

Is the way out of the cycle for her to demand that he be more loving toward her, or for him to insist on her respect for him? Good luck with that! No, this wife discovered that the solution lies not in what she could not control (forcing him to make her feel loved), but in what she herself could control. She continued:

I don't think my husband could have articulated that he needed respect specifically. But I started treating him differently—respecting his time, his energy level, his work stress, his preferred bed time. We went camping for a weekend and I saw immediate results. He cooked me every meal, cleaned, complimented me over and over. It was truly amazing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, because reading your book has felt like a weight off my shoulders. I don't have to wake up each day with dread wondering, "Will he finally love me enough today? Will I finally feel known and seen today?" Instead I ask, "How can I love and respect my husband? How can I take responsibility in our marriage and meet his need for respect?"

I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true—the answer to getting out of the cycle you and your spouse may have been stuck in for years . . . lies inside of you. A wife cannot make her husband affirm his love for her, but she can commit to showing respect for who he is as a man. A husband cannot—and definitely should not even try to—force his wife to show him respect, but he can make intentional decisions to make sure she always feels loved and cherished as his wife.

As with most things in life, there are no guarantees on the results of choosing to love and respect unconditionally. But we have received literally thousands of emails over the years describing similar stories like the wife above. We believe your goodwilled spouse will more times than not respond favorably to your efforts to meet his or her number one felt desire of love or respect. He may not embrace you in his arms, stare longingly into your eyes, and tell you he loves you like what happens in Hollywood. But like the husband above, he might cook you dinner or clean the house or compliment your hair. 

Which means not only will you find yourself getting out of the cycle you’ve been stuck in, but your house might even be cleaner! It’s a win-win!