Emerson Eggerichs here. In a blog I wrote entitled “My Wife Is Leaving Me,” I quote the testimony of a husband who did not hear the cry of his wife’s heart until she left. That Facebook post reached half a million people in 18 hours. Within that period we had nearly 200 comments, most of which provided great insight.
One husband’s response caught my eye, however.
Would you do me a favor? I want you to give me feedback on what you think about what he wrote below.
Is he off base in your opinion? Is he only 1% accurate? Why do you feel he is 99% wrong? Or, would you contend that he is 99% correct? Why? Maybe you fall somewhere in between, arguing he is both right and wrong. If he is 50-50, tell us why.
Here is what he wrote, unedited. (By the way one person commented about this guy’s information: “Hey, at least give the credit for these ideas to Mark Gungor (Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage) since most of this is taken from his marriage video.” This fellow then makes full disclosure, “All of it came from him. lol.”)
So, what do you all think of Mark Gungor’s ideas as quoted by someone in response to my blog “My Wife Is Leaving Me”?
I HATE STORIES LIKE THIS! All you women listen to me!!!!! Your husband is not a woman! You can’t TALK a man into changing. Men respond to one thing. CONSEQUENCES! And you women hate this because you looooove to talk. If you want him to help with (for example) the laundry or dishes or dinner or cleaning or trash, first tell him without an attitude. Then leave it alone! At some point he’ll see the consequences of having no clean clothes, or having no food to eat or nothing to eat on, and he’ll do something. Then when he comes to you and says “what happened to the clothes??” You say “I told you. I need you to help with them.” Short and simple. Don’t talk his ear off. Don’t go on and on about your emotions. We don’t think emotion!
That’s step one. TELL HIM.
Step two, tell him MORE THAN ONCE. Asking a guy to do something once is like never having asked him AT ALL. Just ask him again. What’s the big deal here?? We have to ask you for sex over and over again. Why don’t YOU just put out?? ASK him again. You sit there getting mad and having a cow because you think your husband is PURPOSELY holding out on you, like he’s intentionally NOT doing what you asked just to make you mad. He doesn’t even remember what you said!! Ask him again.
THREE. Ask him the right way! Don’t insult him. Insult just makes him more resistant. And be specific. BE CLEAR. Tell him what you want. Don’t send him on an emotional scavenger hunt to figure it out. Guys don’t mind when you ask us to do stuff. We really don’t. What frustrates us is when you expect us to be like YOU, and magically know what you’re thinking and cosmically do this stuff on our own.
FOUR. Train him with positive reinforcement. I’m not joking. Barter with him. Find something he wants to do and say “hey babe, would you like to do this?” He’ll say, well yeah. Then you say “well do this for me, and you can do that”! You’ll have yourself a motivated man. But nooooo. This girl sits around with her heart broken all day because she won’t do these things.
Let me ask you girls who think it’s OK to just divorce your husband. Are any of you girls Christians??? There’s this really radical guy in the Bible named Jesus. Ever heard of him? How does he say you’re supposed to talk to God when you want something? 1. You ASK. 2. You ask MORE THAN ONCE. 3. You ask THE RIGHT WAY. Don’t insult Him. And unlike your husband, God DOES already know what you want before you ask. But you still gotta ask. That’s proof that God is a man right there. Lol.
Then, what happens in the Bible when men are acting badly?? Consequences! God doesn’t open the heavens and complain that his feelings are hurt. He doesn’t talk a guy’s ear off trying to get him to change. He doesn’t go cry in a corner. He gives them consequences! He knows how men work. Take notes. Most of you women DONT! And all you try to do is to get men to understand how women work. You drag him to counseling and the counselor just tries to get HIM to understand how women work. Most WOMEN don’t even know how other women work!!! You need to take a step back and understand this MAN thing, understand how HE works. You’ll be much happier.
This article says…. Did he not see her deflate? Did he not see her cry? Did he not hear her appeal to him to see the things he did that hurt her? Did he not hear her beg him to change these over-the-line behaviors so they could be happy? Did he not observe her shut down and close off? Did he not listen when she said, “I cannot go on like this anymore”.
NO HE DIDN’T !!! HE’S A MAN!!! HE’S NOT A TV SET!!!!!!!! And look at that list of things. ALL talking and acting emotionally. Then it says she stopped having sex with him and he threw a fit. That tells me two things that NONE of you can deny. 1. If he still wants to have sex, he still likes the girl. RIGHT???!!! and 2. He didn’t know why she rejected him. Guys are problem solvers right? All you women make fun of us for trying to “fix” things. SHE wasn’t being CLEAR as to WHY she denied him sex. There was no problem he could solve. She just shot him down, or avoided him, or acted stand-offish and rejected HIM. She didn’t say “you start treating me like THIS (specifics) and I’ll have sex with you again.”
You know what you should do if a man is acting badly??? I’m gonna tell you. Are you ready??
For simple stuff, follow my 4 steps above. For serious bad behavior you need to tell him, “If you keep doing this, I’m not gonna put up with it. You keep doing this and I’m leaving.”
He’ll do it again. Count on it. And when he does, just leave for a few days. Don’t divorce him. Don’t file for legal separation. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. Right after he screws up just pack a small suitcase, go to a hotel and get a massage, or go to a friend’s house or something. NOW he comes home, you’re not there. HE FREAKS. Then just wait for him to call you. “What’s going on??? Where are you???”
You say “I told you. Keep treating me like this, I’m not going to stick around.” He says “sweetheart I’m sorry. I’ll change. I’ll do whatever.” NOW YOU HAVE HIS ATTENTION!! This will be DONE within 24-48 hours. I guarantee it.
You come back home, he’s happy to see you. He’s doing everything he can to make you happy.
You need to do this while you still care!! This woman in the article just sat there hurt forever until she DIDN’T care anymore. By then she didn’t want to save her marriage. She was just done. Finally she left and what happened? Did you read the story??? He says “ON DAY ONE I CHANGED EVERYTHING!! I SAW EVERYTHING, HOW BADLY I HAD BEEN TREATING HER!!” But now it’s too late. SHE doesn’t care anymore. She’s out. She’s STUPID! If she had done what I just suggested EARLIER she could have saved her marriage in one day.
All you women who just give up and file for divorce. Shame on you! You try to avoid CONFLICT at all costs, but then you have no problem jumping straight to divorce. And you destroy your marriage, you destroy your family, you destroy the world your children live in.
Do these things and you WILL get the results you want. Even a dog can be trained. Even a freakin’ whale can be trained. Bottom line is men are simple. If your husband behaves badly, it’s because YOU let him.
So then . . . what is your opinion?
1% correct? Why?
50% correct? Why?
99% correct? Why?