Is This Husband 1% Right? 99% Right? 50% Right? Explain Your Answer.

Emerson Eggerichs here. In a blog I wrote entitled “My Wife Is Leaving Me,” I quote the testimony of a husband who did not hear the cry of his wife’s heart until she left. That Facebook post reached half a million people in 18 hours. Within that period we had nearly 200 comments, most of which provided great insight.

One husband’s response caught my eye, however.

Would you do me a favor? I want you to give me feedback on what you think about what he wrote below.

Is he off base in your opinion? Is he only 1% accurate? Why do you feel he is 99% wrong? Or, would you contend that he is 99% correct? Why? Maybe you fall somewhere in between, arguing he is both right and wrong. If he is 50-50, tell us why.

Here is what he wrote, unedited. (By the way one person commented about this guy’s information: “Hey, at least give the credit for these ideas to Mark Gungor  (Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage) since most of this is taken from his marriage video.” This fellow then makes full disclosure, “All of it came from him. lol.”)

So, what do you all think of Mark Gungor’s ideas as quoted by someone in response to my blog “My Wife Is Leaving Me”?

I HATE STORIES LIKE THIS! All you women listen to me!!!!! Your husband is not a woman! You can’t TALK a man into changing. Men respond to one thing. CONSEQUENCES! And you women hate this because you looooove to talk. If you want him to help with (for example) the laundry or dishes or dinner or cleaning or trash, first tell him without an attitude. Then leave it alone! At some point he’ll see the consequences of having no clean clothes, or having no food to eat or nothing to eat on, and he’ll do something. Then when he comes to you and says “what happened to the clothes??” You say “I told you. I need you to help with them.” Short and simple. Don’t talk his ear off. Don’t go on and on about your emotions. We don’t think emotion!

That’s step one. TELL HIM.

Step two, tell him MORE THAN ONCE. Asking a guy to do something once is like never having asked him AT ALL. Just ask him again. What’s the big deal here?? We have to ask you for sex over and over again. Why don’t YOU just put out?? ASK him again. You sit there getting mad and having a cow because you think your husband is PURPOSELY holding out on you, like he’s intentionally NOT doing what you asked just to make you mad. He doesn’t even remember what you said!! Ask him again.

THREE. Ask him the right way! Don’t insult him. Insult just makes him more resistant. And be specific. BE CLEAR. Tell him what you want. Don’t send him on an emotional scavenger hunt to figure it out. Guys don’t mind when you ask us to do stuff. We really don’t. What frustrates us is when you expect us to be like YOU, and magically know what you’re thinking and cosmically do this stuff on our own.

FOUR. Train him with positive reinforcement. I’m not joking. Barter with him. Find something he wants to do and say “hey babe, would you like to do this?” He’ll say, well yeah. Then you say “well do this for me, and you can do that”! You’ll have yourself a motivated man. But nooooo. This girl sits around with her heart broken all day because she won’t do these things.

Let me ask you girls who think it’s OK to just divorce your husband. Are any of you girls Christians??? There’s this really radical guy in the Bible named Jesus. Ever heard of him? How does he say you’re supposed to talk to God when you want something? 1. You ASK. 2. You ask MORE THAN ONCE. 3. You ask THE RIGHT WAY. Don’t insult Him. And unlike your husband, God DOES already know what you want before you ask. But you still gotta ask. That’s proof that God is a man right there. Lol.

Then, what happens in the Bible when men are acting badly?? Consequences! God doesn’t open the heavens and complain that his feelings are hurt. He doesn’t talk a guy’s ear off trying to get him to change. He doesn’t go cry in a corner. He gives them consequences! He knows how men work. Take notes. Most of you women DONT! And all you try to do is to get men to understand how women work. You drag him to counseling and the counselor just tries to get HIM to understand how women work. Most WOMEN don’t even know how other women work!!! You need to take a step back and understand this MAN thing, understand how HE works. You’ll be much happier.

This article says…. Did he not see her deflate? Did he not see her cry? Did he not hear her appeal to him to see the things he did that hurt her? Did he not hear her beg him to change these over-the-line behaviors so they could be happy? Did he not observe her shut down and close off? Did he not listen when she said, “I cannot go on like this anymore”.

NO HE DIDN’T !!! HE’S A MAN!!! HE’S NOT A TV SET!!!!!!!! And look at that list of things. ALL talking and acting emotionally. Then it says she stopped having sex with him and he threw a fit. That tells me two things that NONE of you can deny. 1. If he still wants to have sex, he still likes the girl. RIGHT???!!! and 2. He didn’t know why she rejected him. Guys are problem solvers right? All you women make fun of us for trying to “fix” things. SHE wasn’t being CLEAR as to WHY she denied him sex. There was no problem he could solve. She just shot him down, or avoided him, or acted stand-offish and rejected HIM. She didn’t say “you start treating me like THIS (specifics) and I’ll have sex with you again.”

You know what you should do if a man is acting badly??? I’m gonna tell you. Are you ready??

For simple stuff, follow my 4 steps above. For serious bad behavior you need to tell him, “If you keep doing this, I’m not gonna put up with it. You keep doing this and I’m leaving.”

He’ll do it again. Count on it. And when he does, just leave for a few days. Don’t divorce him. Don’t file for legal separation. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving. Right after he screws up just pack a small suitcase, go to a hotel and get a massage, or go to a friend’s house or something. NOW he comes home, you’re not there. HE FREAKS. Then just wait for him to call you. “What’s going on??? Where are you???”

You say “I told you. Keep treating me like this, I’m not going to stick around.” He says “sweetheart I’m sorry. I’ll change. I’ll do whatever.” NOW YOU HAVE HIS ATTENTION!! This will be DONE within 24-48 hours. I guarantee it.

You come back home, he’s happy to see you. He’s doing everything he can to make you happy.

You need to do this while you still care!! This woman in the article just sat there hurt forever until she DIDN’T care anymore. By then she didn’t want to save her marriage. She was just done. Finally she left and what happened? Did you read the story??? He says “ON DAY ONE I CHANGED EVERYTHING!! I SAW EVERYTHING, HOW BADLY I HAD BEEN TREATING HER!!” But now it’s too late. SHE doesn’t care anymore. She’s out. She’s STUPID! If she had done what I just suggested EARLIER she could have saved her marriage in one day.

All you women who just give up and file for divorce. Shame on you! You try to avoid CONFLICT at all costs, but then you have no problem jumping straight to divorce. And you destroy your marriage, you destroy your family, you destroy the world your children live in.

Do these things and you WILL get the results you want. Even a dog can be trained. Even a freakin’ whale can be trained. Bottom line is men are simple. If your husband behaves badly, it’s because YOU let him.

So then . . . what is your opinion?

1% correct? Why?

50% correct? Why?

99% correct? Why?

Thanks!

-Dr. E


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51 thoughts on “Is This Husband 1% Right? 99% Right? 50% Right? Explain Your Answer.

  1. I think he’s 51% right because he is entirely focused on the male needs, while seemingly ignoring the husband’s (as leader of the family, he has 51% control) responsibility to love his wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church. To get that 51% up to 100%, he would need to include in his response what SHE needs also. This comment is a great description of what HE needs, and a woman would do well to follow it. However, that leaves only one person in the relationship with their needs met. For a 100% solution, both people need to mutually meet each other’s needs. On the man’s responsibility to meet her needs, this solution fails.. .therefore, it is only a 51% solution.

  2. I think he is 99% right. Why because you teach people how to treat you. She was right to express her feelings but she also needed to be clear on what she wanted changed. With no immediate consequence to bad actions, this does not motivate the person to change bad behavior. I do not think she is stupid just did not know how to go about getting the results she needed.

  3. That guy is not even 1% right. He talked about how Jesus acted in the bible and about praying to God, all of that was wrong. I’m not a perfect husband but I tell you right now, a Christian husband does not want his wife to act in such a manner. We as Christian husbands are called to be servant leaders. If we are doing so and listening to our wives then none of the other stuff will happen in a Christian marriage. I could go on and on about this. I will tell you, this has been an eye opener for me. I have been less than a servant leader lately in my marriage and it’s time to get back to what I was called to do as a husband by God. Thank you for sharing this article.

  4. I believe he is 50% correct. 1) You men are the leaders, read your Bible, God gives you instructions to dwell with us with understanding, you should stop making excuses and if you are in your word and seeking God you would know he says dwell with them with UNDERSTANDING! If we both would seek the Lord for wisdom and seek Gods direction as God tells us to Respect our husband we women know and understand our husband my doing a study what is RESPECT means to our husbands. I believe if both were in the word we would live with each other with GODS understanding. 1Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. If you were in your word, this would resolve and stopped your wife leaving you. Women, take your eyes off your husband, wisdom from God would avoid all your frustration and seeking him to help and make you happy. Romans 12:10 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.
    Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
    23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
    24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands read your bible! Ephesians5:25-29
    25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
    26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,
    27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
    28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
    29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.
    Both need to stop making excuses!

    Women, honor is Respect!
    God never said it would ever be easy. We will have many trials!
    Romans 5:3-5
    And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

    John 15:5 apart from Him we can do nothing!

    Arlene
    Married 34 yrs
    With a lot of battle scares, but I will stand on the Word.
    You can not fight a battle, when your not equipped. The WORD!

    • Amen, of all the comments I read yours was very eye opening…I am only in my 3rd year of marriage, and at time I feel like it’s not going to last because I start focusing on certain issues that I think I cannot live with…but your comment has reminded me that the the problem, my focus should not be on issues but on God and He will equip me with the necessary tools to overcome all challenges…Seeing also that you have been married for 34 years gives me hope that all things are possible with God…Thank you for sharing, the I am positive the Lord has used you to inspire me…

  5. I say 50-50. Because this God fea ring woman knows prayer before any measure are taken. I agree with letting a man know that for every action he does when scripture has been given to him as proof and he continues to do the same thing there are consequences. Ladies, you are going to have to stand your ground, recognize your worth & tell him you mess up again I’m not letting you get away with messing our marriage up. He responds well give me what’s due me. You tell him when he realize’s repeated offenses cause discord. With discord we do not comply. It’s a consequence. So he does it again. Yes, leave for a while. Shut yourself off to seek God. But let your husband come looking for you. Because you meant it. Let him hear you praying to God for his error. To give him a heart to make marriage work not like the world but a God given. Ask God for change. See if God will not answer. Everything will be recovered. Ladies don’t put up with bad behavior. We are valuable as wives. Divorce is not the answer. God is!

    • We are not the Holy Spirit, seeking God for wisdom and direction is the key. Grace, goes both ways. We our not in control, God’s power will guide you.

  6. Its really not as simple and straight forward as this guy makes it sound. Its a relationship – a marriage. Every marriage has a uniqueness to it, that defines itself. And while no two marriages are exactly alike, there are some very fundemental similarities that are common to all: Yes, men and women are different – very different. We are that way by design. Its up to ALL of us to recognize those differences in our spouses and celebrate them, as they are probably what attracted you to them to begin with. The hardest thing to do when there is strife in a marriage, is to “act like you’re supposed to.” Being kind, loving, respectful – it really an over the top necessity when you’re right smack in the middle of a disagreement or aguement. But God gave us a way! He gave us His grace, through knowledge of His Son, Jesus; who makes provision for ALL our needs through Him. Did you catch that? God provides ALL our needs – not our spouses. Our spouses cannot do that – they are not God! Don’t place them in that role. You will eventually be disappointed and that is not fair to either of you!
    The gifts of the spirit: love, peace, joy, kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, are always within us. We NEED to access those very gifts at all times to ensure a healthy, happy marriage and life. When we forget those things we have been given, its only a matter of time until our flesh takes over, and we become prideful, controlling, resentful, eager for “justice” (revenge really – you did this…well I’ll do this then). It is all so childish and unproductive. “When we do marriage God’s way, we have a 100% chance of success!” That is a simple quote from Jimmy Evans, and speaks volumes! What I have determined as I am sitting here and giving my opinion about this guy’s “quoted” response, is this: It’s a heart issue. The issue is your individual walk with God – not really your aparant issue with your spouse. Your relationship with God allows actions to materialize that reflect your level of committment to Him! If you’re walking in His love, many of the “issues” in our marriages would be non-issues.
    So, to answer the question: Is this guy 1%, 50%, or 99% right? My answer: His correctedness is a direct correlation to his relationship with God. He is 100% blurry on the real issue…

  7. Huh. Well before I can even respond, I’ve shut off. I’ve heard him and I don’t care. He can blow off steam and I’m supposed to listen? And then actually process it all too? But… because I understand this marriage thing is essential, I continue through the insults and personal attack of the message. And here’s where I fall on the question… he is not the best communicator for women. If he spoke that way to a man how would that message have been accepted? And men may have been cheering to read it for all I know, but many women are turning off. In person it may have translated better than it does in print, but…

    1) He is partially correct. And I might put it somewhere from 60-80%. Some men are clods and completely unable to read women. I didn’t think I was marrying one of those, and I’m not sure why anyone would. But they don’t have to read ALL women, just the one they marry. But yes, men are different than women and they lften need clear, concise, specific communications. And consequences sometimes work. Not necessarily with a selfish man, but with one who does care. So the woman might have tried another tact and it MAY have worked. The brotherhood of man aside, is he really that sure that another man would immediately get it, because he would have finally comprehended it with one day’s worth of consequences? I’m not. Doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying. A great many men might have been turned around with that, but I’m not so sure we can promise that outcome just because her husband was a man.

    2) How does it get to be the wife’s fault that the guy doesn’t get it until this magical consequences things happens as described? Women have to be able to translate you all, but not the other way around? I don’t think so. Men – own your own part of this relationship thing. Are you a child that requires nagging, or are you an adult? You can literally suck the life and love out of a woman if you are dense enough and stubborn enough. And being the best at being stubborn doesn’t win you much in this kind of situation. Was the husband competing with his wife over who could be the most stubborn? It can happen.

    3) I hate seeing a marriage fall apart that might have been salvageable. And yes, there are women that try everything but what might have worked, but if that was the case it was only because she didn’t know any better. And I can’t really fault the wife if that were the case. It’s part of being imperfect and fallible. Women can be that too.

    3b) I had a near front row seat to watch something similar in a friend’s marriage. There was plenty of communication. Clear, concise, specific, nagging. And leaving him for a day or two at times too. And he still didn’t get it. Until she filed for divorce. And by then she was done. She wasn’t ready to be done until there was nothing left for her. She gave it everything she could. She got counseling to assist her to try to help him understand how serious it was. She begged him to go with her to figure it out. She spent years trying to get him to understand how their marriage was breaking. Didn’t matter. Some guys don’t get it until it is too late. It’s heartbreaking because he did get it, finally, when she told him she was divorcing him. He finally understood what was at stake. And it was still too late. You can break a woman. Know that. And don’t lie to yourself that you can’t. [And sadly I’m watching this happen in another dear friend’s life now.]

    4) This really has me wondering something. Does this man have any idea how to cherish a woman? Does he have a clue how to pursue her? How to pursue connection with her? Does her care for him hold any value? Or is it all about him? It feels like it’s all about him. And no amount of knowing what could solve a theoretical problem will make up for that.

    • You keep saying “I shut off, I shut down, I shut off.” and that’s the entire point he was making, you cannot do what he is saying because you shut off, instead of communicating. You don’t say what you want, then shut off when he doesn’t know what you didn’t say. Likewise you say “Women have to be able to translate you all.” And that is also his point, No you don’t. Don’t act like a man is using coded words. He is not a woman, what he says is what he says…. don’t just stop and think “He just said he isn’t interested. I wonder if that means he wants it but isn’t sure how to ask?” no it means he isn’t interested. Take what a man says and think what is the simplest meaning.

      And he is correct about training a person, you don’t realize it, but women need to be trained also, but guys are too afraid of how the woman will react, to do it. But as an example, he says “Make sure you’re dressed so we can leave by 9 to get there on time.” And 9 comes and you are just jumping in the shower, you are testing him. If he did what he should, he would go ahead and leave. You’d get out of the shower to an empty house. And the next time it happens, he would leave you again, then you’ll understand that you don’t get to go if you don’t get dressed on time.

      Sure there are guys who are just too self absorbed to care about their wife. But that is the exception not the rule. Most just need to figure this thing out, and you need to SAY it to him.

  8. I’d like to think he’s 100% wrong. He makes men sound stupid, men aren’t that dumb. She asked, she shouldn’t have to keep asking. He can follow directions at work, why not at home? This puts women in the position to be totally responsible, it isn’t fair or right. The woman is being taken for granted and it is his role to adore & protect, non of which this attitude achieves. She’s going to be hurt if he is so selfish and self-seeking. It is both of their homes, not just hers, he has a responsibility to behave as an adult, he’s not a child, he’s a grown man. Grown men should look for ways to contribute, not ignore and avoid helping and listening, then act on what they hear. As I said, they do it at work. Do they like repeatedly telling employees what to do, no. This is a way out for men to continue bad behavior unless she leaves to prove a point. This is terrible advice in my opinion. Where is his responsibility to man up and be a loving caring husband? Istead treat him like a trained dog? I don’t think most men would respond well to ultimatums. My husband told me he will never respond to ultimatums. My husband wouldn’t appreciate being compared to a dog either. This puts women in a bad position in my opinion. We are not a mans mother or teacher. We are his companion. This ides destroys companionship. Leaves her on her own. That is not what marriage is all about. Disheartening!

      • This was my immediate take on this, 100% wrong. If a boss has to ask for a report, or file more than once on a regular basis there will not be much of a job left for a man’s employment and diffinately will be passed up for a raise – on a review there would be many marks for not being proactive & depenable. And if these men were the one left at home while the woman leaves that is taking her out of the home & giving him all the peace and enjoyment that he doesn’t deserve. Once a woman leaves once (even just overnight) or send him a way, this might be the point of no return not a consequence. Most men Christian or not is going to want the upper hand & if there is any anger or control that would be the button that is getting pushed.
        I agree there are times a man may have too much on his plate at work & other responsiblities that may keep him occupied & not paying full attention but to be uncaring, selfish and not listen is total disrespect.

  9. I’ll go 6%. 5% for point 3 of the 4 being the only one with some merit and 1% for general no one is 100% wrong.

    Honestly he lost me half way through and I stopped reading what appears to me to be a slanted rant that mixes up different concepts, poor application and poor context. It reads to me like shifting all responsibility to the wife. That’s not being a man.

    Indeed men are not women and we are also not dogs to be trained. We are not simple, we just don’t show it.

    We are responsible for our half and a huge part of that is decoding and communicating. (Had to learn that the hard way). That is not being a woman. That is being discerning and a wise man.

    When a man after God’s heart responds to God he grows as the man, husband, and father God desires. Never perfectly but increasingly. That leads to following the Holy Spirit to the place of getting it right more and more which equals less consequences. In my opinion no amount of spouse “consequence” training leads there. Spouse “consequence” training is thinly veiled control / manipulation to affect behavior in my opinion.

    The behavior flows out from the heart. Fix the heart, the behavior follows.

    My wife can’t change my heart, only expose it for me to see (even then the Holy Spirit must lead me to see it and break down my rationalizations, denial blame whatever is in the way. God changes hearts.

    All my opinion compiled from various learning, the bible and life.

  10. 1% correct. My husband and I did a lot of communicating, and still do, when we put God’s word into practice into our lives pertaining on how we show Love and Respect. When I need my husband to do something, for example, take the HUGE load of dirty clothes downstairs to be washed. I ask him nicely. I don’t expect him to do it right then and there. My husband told me if I would just ask “When you have a minute can you…”. So I do that. I no longer get angry. Usually his response is, “Yes, I can do that. If you give me a minute to finish reading this I will take the laundry for you.” And he does. He means what he says. If I do have to remind him, I do it gently and he says, “I’m so sorry, I forgot!” and jumps right up and does it. No consequences, no telling him to do it and no “positive consequences” for being a good boy. I thank him and tell him I appreciate it so much. This energizes our marriage! When you barter, you are manipulating your spouse. I don’t feel that is right. It may work for some, but still not right. I don’t really have experience with the “man behaving badly” part, so I will not comment on that.

  11. He is 99% right in most situations…there are a few men that this does not work with…if you are married to a selfish, lazy person that will not take responsibility for his choices and never has remorse for what he does then this will not work…

  12. Yep, that man is 99% right. Once I figured out how HE works, and changed MY behavior, actions, reactions, what I said & how I said it, I have a changed man on my hands. Wouldn’t have believed it until I tried it myself. It was difficult but sooo worth it. Lots of soul searching and time with God for me, but end result is better than ever!

  13. I can appreciate his frustration about women being too complicated in their approach with men. However, his frustration and expressing ‘do these easy steps’ simply reveals that he too is missing the fact that women are wired differently and speak a different language. He is insisting we act differently to get through to men but not understanding that the ‘how’ is as important as the ‘what’ to women. I am not interested in being my husbands mother (if you don’t obey, there are no treats for you!’). Marriage is not 50-50. It is sacrificial love, commitment, walking in grace, humility etc all the time. Yes, boundaries are good, but it takes effort on both our parts to learn how to speak each other’s language and minister to one another. Men are not dogs to train or reward on a woman’s whim- that leads to manipulation. Guys can seem pretty easy to please (full stomach, regular sex, etc) but I think they want more- respect, affirmation, appreciation, support, companionship, recreation…. So, on the surface, this guy might seem 1% right or even 99% right, but from this (married for 23+years) woman’s perspective, he’s missed the point no matter how right he is.

    • But people do need to be trained. If he came from his mother’s house, or from another relationship, you need to untrain those things he has grown accustom to. And train him how you desire to be trated, but the same applies to you. I guarantee you do not treat him right all the time and need to be trained how….you need the back and forth and to train each other.

  14. 30% correct. 70% incorrect. Why is he 60% incorrect? Because he makes a lot of blanket statements, a lot of generalization, a lot of absolutes. Some men are emotional above logical and some women are logical above emotional. I also don’t think manipulation is healthy…holding sex to get what you want is manipulation and not healthy. I also don’t think saying, “if you do this, then you will get this” is a healthy strategy in marriage. That doesn’t sharpen your spouse to do something out of selflessness and/or a servants heart. Communication is SO important and PRAYER beyond anything else. Prayer is life’s biggest time saver. I give him 30% for being correct in that we as wives need to be CLEAR in our communication and not expect our husband’s to read our minds or to know our feelings. We need to help our husbands live in an understanding manner with us.

  15. He’s 80% right. Men ARE different from woman. They don’t think with emotion, or battles. 20% wrong, because he’s making it like we have to treat men like children and I’m sorry I’m not willing to be a grown man’s mother. When I ask someone to do something and he acknowledges it expected done its called his word. When I tell him I’m upset and tell him why I don’t expect him to respond only if it has consequences. That is not real that is him acting out of emotion and not love. And did he just say that men don’t act based on emotion? They sure do when they want to now don’t they?

  16. I think he is 99% right regarding male needs and what a wife should do to work with how he is designed rather than wasting countless hours trying to change him. I can’t stress how important His point about women doing it when they still care. There is a reason for the phrase: “hell health no fury like a woman scorned”.

    I don’t know of any man that won’t respond to his 4 steps.

    He doesn’t address how the man should respond to the woman but his assessment of the male side is spot on.

  17. He is 50% correct – he is quite clear on the do’s and do not’s for the woman – obviously he was thinking like a man, but it takes two in a marriage – each to work at meeting their spouse’s needs and working with their love language. Each person needs to work toward making their spouse happy and not just focusing on their own wants and needs – this is crucial. Men do better when encouraged, respected and loved, but women also do better when encouraged, fulfilled, and romanced. My husband’s love language is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, which absolutely don’t feel like love to me when my love language is Acts of Service and I can’t get him to do things around the house that need done. I have to work at being more open to Physical Touch and believing his Words of Affirmation, and he needs to figure out that I really need things done around the house that I am unable to do. After 40 years, you figure out that life is precious and this person is your best friend – neither of you are going to get everything you want – if you do, then your spouse probably isn’t. Neither of you are perfect. Enjoy your spouse and don’t fret over the little things!

  18. Wow! What a lot of great responses!!! I loved reading them. I think this guys right about some points and wrong about others. He’s right that women can’t change men or anyone else for that matter. I will do my best to say what I want to say without being all Over the place or being too long but The part that really hit me was this
    This is part of what he wrote:
    “This article says…. Did he not see her deflate? Did he not see her cry? Did he not hear her appeal to him to see the things he did that hurt her? Did he not hear her beg him to change these over-the-line behaviors so they could be happy? Did he not observe her shut down and close off? Did he not listen when she said, “I cannot go on like this anymore”.

    NO HE DIDN’T !!! HE’S A MAN!!! HE’S NOT TV!!!”

    This comment pretty much says it all for me. “No he didn’t” He did not hear. He did not see her cry or deflate. He seemingly didn’t even care. He was too busy waiting on her to try and figure him out and train him! I understand that he’s saying a woman needs to communicate her needs in a certain way when expressing her concerns to a man, but completely without emotion? What is he a robot???

    I get that men and women are not the same. If nothing else is clear in life this is. He is right a woman does need to be direct when speaking to her husband because that’s how men are….direct….however they are not children. The things that he says a woman needs to do to “train” her husband should’ve already been done through childhood leading up to adulthood and marriage.
    Marriage is about relationship. Much of what this man is saying doesn’t sound like relationship to me.
    And does he really expect a woman to get to a place where she has to leave temporarily to get him to see that he needs to do something!?!?!?! That is sad for him! When a man sits there and expects the wife to run everything and be his mother and “train” him that is wrong! He’s supposed to be the leader of the home! And why does everything revolve around sex? You want sex???? You treat the woman the way she deserves to be treated (and at least TRY and relate to her emotionally) and she’ll want to “put out” as he says it! Sex is not just sex for us sometimes it’s an emotional connection. I mean I don’t totally disagree with this man but why is it that the woman has to understand a man and treat him the way he wants in order to get what she wants and have her needs met and it doesn’t have to go the other way? I mean yes women are emotional beings and we do have to learn not to live in our emotion but we cannot be totally emotionless and neither should a man be! I mean does he want a stepford wife!?!?! And I can’t speak for all women, but for me it’s not about whether my husband helps me with the housework or takes out the trash….in fact I could care less if he ever does a dish or a stitch of laundry although doing those things helps tremendously all I ever wanted was for my husband to treat me and my children the way we deserve to be treated.

    When he says this:

    “All you women who just give up and file for divorce. Shame on you! You try to avoid CONFLICT at all costs, but then you have no problem jumping straight to divorce. And you destroy your marriage, you destroy your family, you destroy the world your children live in.”

    Now that’s where this really gets me. In other words(at least in my mind) don’t expect change, live a mediocre life, just do what’s expected of you and all will be well, Allow me to continue to be self centered and do my own thing while you
    Stand on the sidelines and all but beg for my help and attention ….

    Again, I cannot speak for every woman only myself and my situation.
    When a man, such as the one who wrote these words, does not take on his responsibility to be the spiritual head of his home and help and love the woman and only thinks that the woman is supposed to be his mommy forever there WILL be consequences….and they will not be pleasant. When a woman leaves her home she is not the one destroying the family. That family was already destroyed by the man who’s SUPPOSED to be the leader of it! For me I did not “give up” ……I tried and tried and tried for over 20years. I will not stand here and say that I am a perfect wife or mother because I am not by any means. For years I have watched my children (and myself) be emotionally abused and seen my beautiful girls become cutters and one go into juvenile mental hospitals twice in one year. I did not try to avoid conflict. I did flat out tell my husband what I needed from him (and many times I cried! GASP! Omg how dare I) but when I did I got the backlash too! How dare you say this, man, whoever you are! I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed….I tried and I tried. I struggled and still do with whether I was a good enough wife and what could I have done to make things better to avoid separating myself and my children from my husband. Did I treat my husband with all the respect that he deserved? Am I the cause of this break up? Being separated from my husband and my family all broken apart does not feel good. It all feels wrong. It was the last thing I ever wanted. People don’t always treat us the way we want or the way we deserve, but we still need to treat them with respect and honor, ESP if we call ourselves Christians. Men need not sit back and wait for the wives to do it all whether it be try to understand them and train them or do all the housework and run the household. Or all of the above! And whether your wife shows you respect or not it is still your job to love you’re supposed to be a Christian! I love this song by casting crowns these lyrics pretty much sums things up:

    “Courageous”

    We were made to be courageous
    We were made to lead the way
    We could be the generation
    That finally breaks the chains
    We were made to be courageous
    We were made to be courageous

    We were warriors on the front lines
    Standing, unafraid
    But now we’re watchers on the sidelines
    While our families slip away

    Where are you, men of courage?
    You were made for so much more
    Let the pounding of our hearts cry
    We will serve the Lord

    We were made to be courageous
    And we’re taking back the fight
    We were made to be courageous
    And it starts with us tonight

    The only way we’ll ever stand
    Is on our knees with lifted hands
    Make us courageous
    Lord, make us courageous

    This is our resolution
    Our answer to the call
    We will love our wives and children
    We refuse to let them fall

    We will reignite the passion
    That we buried deep inside
    May the watchers become warriors
    Let the men of God arise

    We were made to be courageous
    And we’re taking back the fight
    We were made to be courageous
    And it starts with us tonight

    The only way we’ll ever stand
    Is on our knees with lifted hands
    Make us courageous
    Lord, make us courageous

    Seek justice
    Love mercy
    Walk humbly with your God

    In the war of the mind
    I will make my stand
    In the battle of the heart
    And the battle of the hand

    In the war of the mind
    I will make my stand
    In the battle of the heart
    And the battle of the hand

    We were made to be courageous
    And we’re taking back the fight
    We were made to be courageous
    And it starts with us tonight

    The only way we’ll ever stand
    Is on our knees with lifted hands
    Make us courageous
    Lord, make us courageous

    We were made to be courageous
    Lord, make us courageous

  19. Well he ain’t wrong…. but he ain’t right either. Im not sure what the split is as a percentage. Yes both husbands and wives are supposed to try and understand each other. It’s too easy to say “if. She would just drop the emotional junk and deal with me on a more logical level” just like it would be too easy to say the opposite. Yes, understanding, patients, etc., will be required by both parties, yes women should be aware enough of how (most) men work and that they may need some prompting and reminders from time and again. Yes, consiquence can be a powerful motivator and it will for a time correct behavior but such correction is short lived. .. but what all of us should be really seeking is genuine heart change in both parties which produces lasting change in behavior. Its like the Christian walk. When people experience pain they often return to God but initially it is a bargaining attempt like, “God if you just fix this im all yours” but it is soon forgotten and usually those prayers aren’t answered because God knows mens hearts. Its tantamount to pursuing religion without establishing a deep and abiding relationship with God. Its like trying to obey all the rules under your own power as if you could earn your way to heavin without accepting our own powerlessness and need of a savior. It’s exhausting. God calls us to be in relationship with him and once thst is established the desire to behave in ways that honor him comes from the inside out rather than the outside in way it occurs when we are trying to do it on our own. He will not grant that which doesn’t originate from a place of relationship. So it is with our wives as the relational aspect of being created in God’s image where two become one and are never closer to being image bearers of the most high. Where he, she, and God become the trinity. Its not about the laundry, dishes or sex…. those are symptoms of a heart problem. Quick fixes won’t induce lasting changes. This man is focused on the symptoms. .. yes it is good to treat symptoms while searching for the cure…. hearts are fixed when we move into relationship with Christ which enables us to live in sacrificial relationship with our wives.

  20. Hes right, but wrong. I think each couple has complications that go beyond behavior modification for the husband. Sometimes wives have been so abused and neglected that leaving frightens them. They believe if they show him consequences, then she will be rejected forever. I think men need to learn how to relate to women, and women need to learn how ti relate to men- then they can meet somewhere in between and hopefully figure it out.

  21. As far as percentages go, I’d not really venture a guess. I do not believe for one skinny second you can pick and choose what you take from God’s Word, but this man does. He was terribly disrespectful to whomever he was addressing. He says bad behavior doesn’t hurt God and He reacts swiftly with consequences. Well, how about the skads of times He sent prophets to lament and beg for repentance before His judgement for such behaviors? This man says essentially to ‘play the game’ and train your husband as you would a child, but, by that point, the dishes are sky-high, the laundry is a mountain, the yard is a jungle and the man of the house is fit to be tied because he doesn’t have what he needs in terms of physical comforts (clean clothes and dishes, for example). AND, everyone in the house gets to suffer through that, possibly a horrible temper tantrum, too.

    Yes, men are expected to make every effort to lead not only spiritually, but physically, as well. As women learn best BY EXAMPLE. Lead us by example and you will find loving, helpful, responsive wives. No, not every man gets what he deserves, and regardless, women are to be Christ-like in our devotion, but we are not doormats and we did not marry you to “re-raise” you into being a man of God. Men need to step up, stop being lazy about their God-given task of leadership, loyalty and responsibility, and take their marriage vows more seriously than their personal wants. They will ultimately answer to God for the condition of the family they asked to be gifted with. Man up. Stop being selfish. Put the needs of your wife above your own, and those of your family, if you are blessed with children. THAT’S what being a CHRISTIAN HUSBAND means: self-sacrificial servant-leader, providing out of love for those he asked for. No one forced you to get married, but you can force your family away. Marriage isn’t 50/50. Its 100/100: 100% of you 100% of the time. When its isn’t, your marriage (and family) suffers. Its a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly.

  22. Sounds like this guy lives in a world where the gospel doesn’t exist. According to his paradigm, the Bible is simply a handbook with helpful suggestions on how to influence/manipulate earthly relationships. In reality, the Bible shows us that God sees all our our actions, and all our actions have eternal consequences. Leaving your spouse for a couple days in an effort to “get his attention” is not okay.

    Disclaimer: If abuse is a part of the equation, by all means, get to safety immediately.

    I’m going with 0% right, because he misses God’s eternal purpose for our earthly relationships.

  23. I say he’s 100% correct. I was that woman. I wouldn’t tell my husband what I needed; I expected him to just KNOW. When he didn’t do what I wanted, I assumed it was because he didn’t care about me. He said he loved me but I said it didn’t matter if he didn’t CARE about me. He had no idea what I was talking about. He’d do something to make me happy, but it wasn’t the thing I wanted from him, so I stayed angry -but didn’t TELL him why- and he got frustrated and lost hope. I wanted to divorce him, but we’re Catholic. I’d be alone with 5 kids. I figured, we can live together, but we aren’t really married, since he doesn’t love me. But I studied what my church had to say about suffering, about sanctification, about living with difficult people, about forgiving, not holding grudges… but especially about suffering. Christ suffered for us, giving us an example. I rejoice in my sufferings… God changed me; got me to TELL him what I needed. At first I felt humiliated – i shouldn’t have to TELL him! He should KNOW! He’s my HUSBAND! But he’s a MAN!!! Once I accepted that and worked around his “limitations” our marriage was back on track. We are doing great, now. I used to sulk for days, even weeks; now I TELL him. It really is that simple. Of course, God was at work in him, too. He’s changed too. but not because I bugged him to. I focused on ME and my behavior, with God in mind, and left him in God’s hands. Guess what? God is WAY better at changing people than people are!

  24. I struggle with this man’s opinion (and a bulk of the attitude in Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage), because he seems to say ‘this is human nature – here’s how to cater to that nature’. Galatians 12 talks about how we are free from our sinful nature and are no longer ruled by it. It’s a stark contrast to Love and Respect that acknowledges how men and women are different, our natures, but then makes it clear we are held to a higher standard of behavior and are how to work out life with someone not like us in a wholesome way!

  25. Is this real life? What did I just read here? The marriage that apparently ended had a bad attitude. The guy that commented has a bad attitude. What is happening here?

    My husband and I got married after knowing each other for six months. God said go, so I went. A year after we married we had our first son. Five months after that, we were told he had a brain tumor. Five months after that, the tumor grew back after surgery to half its size and we were told he had two years to live. Now, after praying my heart out, four kids, three dogs, a house and cars we can’t afford, and more extended family problems than would fit in any encyclopedia; my husband is completely healed of cancer, is turning 28, and has been diagnosed to be at nearly high functioning pre-cancer cognition. I share this to explain, that I have done and still do ALL of the above mentioned ideas and suggestions this man commented us woman should be doing. When our marriage started to fall apart, I dug my heels in deep and have been determined to figure out, “how to fix” what is broken. So my question for this man would be, “What else would you have me do?” If all the ideas and suggestions mentioned have been implemented over the last decade, and I have even “trained” myself, to “think like a man” in order to be relevant to him, and yet nothing has changed?

    On the flip side of that coin would be my personal concerns. Why is it my responsibility as a woman of God to train a man of God how to be a man of God? Did I misread scripture? My understanding of what scripture says, is that a woman does not have the ability to bestow masculinity. We in fact look to men to bestow our femininity.

    Why is it ok that men complain about how a woman is not “measuring up,” and they call that accountability. But if I express my concerns about spiritual issues that are causing physical stumbling blocks in our marriage, it is considered an attack?

    What about the part on sex. Is it truly that sex to men is only physiological? How can it be that the Adam’s of this world, made from God’s breath and soil, suddenly forgot that sex is heaven touching earth? Sex is soul connecting with spirit, skin connecting with soul. How can it be that men are animals, and woman are…”servants,” to that need? How can it be that men are only available to cherish and nurture a woman if she first gives her body to him? Yet, our greatest sex organ is our minds. As woman, we must understand the space closing between us and our partners is safe. How can it be that men suddenly desire sacrifice and not mercy? How is this Christ like?

    How is it “avoiding conflict” to sit by a man’s bedside while he is dying and nurse him back to life? To be on our knees every hour of the night with new babies and a sick husband, and trust with every last ounce of willingness we have left that God is in control and the battle belongs to Him? How is it avoiding conflict, to understand through painful denial that your husband may never change, but you keep praying God’s mercy on him anyway, because…you never know? How is it avoiding conflict, to have everyone around you see the struggle, try to talk you into leaving, and you stick it out another day because Jesus saved you first?

    When read, hear, witness, men acting selfishly in their desire to be defended against the hoards of woman coming against them to protect themselves, all I can think is, “whoa!” Where did we get it all so wrong? Right now, today, I want to pack up the kids and just be done. I feel like my partner is gone, and the man I married doesn’t exist. It is as if I married his tumor and not him. Does that mean I should go? Am I justified in my own fear, insecurity, selfish ambition? What right do I have to say to this man, “No, I’ve changed my mind. I forgive you for braking my heart, but this just isn’t going to work.” Is that Jesus response to any of us? I don’t like this. That is the real issue. This pain, this struggle, this life tearing, body altering, soul numbing pain, that refines like fire to produce greater worth than gold … I don’t like it. But I am willing to have the best attitude possible. Because even if we don’t have sex for a while. Even if our kids see us struggle. Even if the marriage implodes. My attitude now, will determine the outcome later.

    What if has huge implications for someone looking to get out, get theirs, get free, get, period. But what if, it meant all the hopes and dreams we deny ourselves to hold onto in moments of trial? What if, “what if” actually meant change and not doom? What if my husband relapses in five, or ten years and we wasted all this time fighting? What if I have a bad attitude while we are working through this trial and I am not fit to marry again because I am not the woman God saw I could be? What if, my kids see me quit every time something gets too hard, but I keep telling them to “Never Give Up,”? What if, my legacy is the fruit of this season that has lasted so very long; and I sell my vineyard to another man right before the harvest and miss it completely?

    Can we stop being angry, right, wrong, offensive, supportive, for two seconds; and simply consider the cost? Am I so eager to have my way that I am willing to say, “No,” to God? Am I so willing to be heard by my husband that I forget who’s ear I’ve always had, who does exceedingly, abundantly more than I could hope or imagine? What if instead of percentages of right and wrong, we ask a better question. What if, we came like trusting, innocent, unconditionally loving children to our God and to each other? What if it wasn’t about us. What if, it has always been about Him? What if, we’re throwing it all away.

  26. I think 99% right. In Gods word he says to focus on ourselves. We can only change us. I believe this is good for what would help the relationship. Although God does also talk to the male and this is NOT how God treats his church. Husband are to treat the wife as God treats the church. I do believe for the wife this could help her in the majority of cases in her marriage. You would please your husband but most importantly you would please God. I do think it’s asking for not a huge amount of effort on the husbands part but that’s between him and God.

  27. I’d prefer a 75% correct, but since that isn’t there I’ll go 99% correct……
    My issue lies in that he is letting men off the hook a little too easy. In that it is my understanding (from many years of observation) that men and women need to essentially train each other.
    Men need to make it understood that they will not accept rude, snotty, disrespectful, and spiteful attitudes, and expect certain things just as a basis for the marriage. They need to get it in their head, then stick to it.
    Women need to understand their worth (I mean in God’s view) and never accept belittling, and uncaring behavior. And then they need to teach each other how they expect to be treated, giving room for growing and maturing, of course.
    But for the most part I believe he is completely correct in the way that people communicate. I understand most women are wired to be manipulative and shady, and use coded words, but need everything to be set in stone, with no wiggle room for change. But most guys are straightforward, and easy to just get along and go with the ebb and flow.

    There really is just a difference in over all mindset. But he is correct, training is needed. And there doesn’t need to be a change in just him, a woman needs to take some responsibility to change and give him direct communication. And the original post is correct in that he needs to take initiative and step up before its too late.

    I think its wrong that like 90% of psychology is telling a guy how to change, instead of explaining “there are differences, maybe she can try to learn how to be direct”.

    I don’t know, I’m just hoping I got my head on straight enough for when I get married.

    • “I understand most women are wired to be manipulative and shady, and use coded words, but need everything to be set in stone, with no wiggle room for change. But most guys are straightforward, and easy to just get along and go with the ebb and flow.”

      To say that we are wired that way would mean the God intends for us to be that way- He did the wiring. Have women become that way since the fall? Some have. And some men have become egotistical chauvinists. In either case, but we are not wired that way, and can learn with God to be better than that, but we are responsible for our own growth or lack of it.

      • “And some men have become egotistical chauvinists.”

        Are you really that simple-minded that you cannot make a single comment without letting your vitriol show through?

        Do you see why men don’t like women these days?

        You cannot even make it a single comment without being hyperbolic and trying to “get back”.

        In your own words be “responsible for our own growth or lack of it.” so far it seems like lack of it in your case.

        PS. Guidelines are needed in marriage, no person knows how you want to be treated, except you, so as I said before, it’s on you to say it.

        • It is quite clear you are not married and know nothing of what scripture says about how a man is to treat a woman, and a woman treat a man. Your comments border on chauvenism and lack of personal responsibility, as well as displaying the basics of how God says we are to treat one another, let alone our spouse. How can you sit there and make a comment like, “Do you see why men don’t like women these days?” Maybe you in your blind misogyny don’t like women standing up for themselves. You claim that guidelines and boundaries need to be set, which I agree that boundaries do, but what is the result or consequence of far over- stepped boundaries? Would not the first step be standing up for ones self? Or is that only allowable if you are male? I hope no woman has to marry you and endure your sexism, degrading, and lack of taking ownership. That’s an abuse no person, male or female should ever have to endure.

  28. I think he’s on to something, but not all men react the way he says.

    He wrote, “You say “I told you. Keep treating me like this, I’m not going to stick around.” He says “sweetheart I’m sorry. I’ll change. I’ll do whatever.” NOW YOU HAVE HIS ATTENTION!! This will be DONE within 24-48 hours. I guarantee it.”

    My husband does not react that way. At all. I wish to God he would! He would react with more anger and become even more unloving and harsh. He would say, “Fine. Stay gone. Some wife you are.” So what do you do if your husband does this? I would really appreciate some advice because despite my prayer and respect, my husband is getting both better and worse – he’ll be more loving, but then when something irritates him (and it’s usually at least once per day) he goes right back to rage and verbal harassment dripping with sarcasm or pointed attacks.

  29. The steps Gungor laid out are perfect. For parenting your teenagers.

    I didn’t marry a man who was stunted emotionally or in his ability to be responsible.

    And guess what? I ask him for sex just as often as he asks me. Which is daily. We love and are wildly attracted to each other.

    There is nothing attractive about a grown man acting like a 12 year old boy. It’s repulsive.

    If you are frequently asking for sex and being turned down, it’s because you’re an unattractive man and it’s probably not your looks, considering she married you.

  30. I wish I had seem this when it was originally posted!

    We tend to talk a good game when it comes to our Christian walk, but the reality is we fail miserably before it even starts good.

    What do you do if your spouse won’t help you with chores? Love them through it and do it all. Hey, you would have to always do it all if it were just you anyway, right?

    What do you do if your spouse loses their job? Love them through it, be encouraging, help where it is requested, work together for a temporary and emergency financial plan until they are able to find another job, and be patient.

    What do you do if your spouse cheats/commits adultery? Love them through it, find out what they need and aren’t getting from you, help them discover what’s broken or listen to them tell you what’s broken, be available to them and help them heal. Remember, he/she already has a Judge, as do you. They also already have a spouse, as do you.

    What do you do if your spouse (you full in the blank)? The answer is ALWAYS going to be: Love them through it! Why? Because that is your job and responsibility as their spouse. Because that is the covenant you made with them AND God. Because that is the only thing that leads to a (restored and/or) healthy marriage.

    Take self out of the equation and the war is won before the battle begins.

    Be blessed!

  31. I think He is 51% correct, I disagree with the punishment unless there is some unsafe behavior happening. He is correct in the form of communication. Men hate complicated conversations ( I know because I am one). Men are not supposed to act like children and therefore should not be treated like. If he is childish than you shouldn’t have married him to begin with. Not saying that men can’t or won’t grow up. They will if they respectfully see a need to. In most cases fatherhood takes care it very quickly. Men HATE nagging, it hurts us to our core, you are directly telling him that he is insignificant.

  32. I would say he is a man and he is 98% right because there might be 2% of men that might disagree. I try to pay keen attention to how men view the world and believe that is their perspective.