Is He Making Innocent Suggestions or Unloving Criticisms?

A wife who wrote to me recognized that her husband’s suggestion to do something in a different way was rooted in his goodwill. As a result, she sought to apply a respectful demeanor in response to his suggestion, which motivated him to be more loving. Great news, right? Well, upon further examination, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was making camouflaged statements that revealed her deep-seated belief that he is the reason for the marital problems and therefore she must take the higher road. What do you think? The wife who lived overseas with her husband and children wrote:

I had envelopes with the boys' school photos on the dashboard of the van addressed and ready to take to the shop to be weighed, stamped, and mailed to the US. My husband, seeing a better way to handle it, suggested we let a guy who would be coming in a few weeks take them back to the US in his luggage. I criticized him for not appreciating the work that I had done, and that it wasn't good enough for him. Suggestions on how to improve the work I have done flow more naturally with a measure of gratitude toward what I have done. He is always totally flabbergasted that he can't make any suggestions to me without my "blowing up." After trying to ask God, by his grace, to help me not criticize my husband when I feel criticized, there is more peace. My husband feels more respected and it motivates him too, by God's grace, to give me more affirmation. I have to choose to believe that my husband is a good-willed husband, because the Bible says he is in 1 Corinthians 7:33: "the one who is married is concerned about . . . how he may please his wife." He doesn't mean to deflate me or demotivate me when he gives me suggestions instead of thanking me for the work that I have already done. I, by God's empowering, want to believe the best about him more than I have in the last thirteen years.

On the one hand, I appreciate this wife's comments. At first reading, I leaned in favor of her humility and commitment to do things differently with regard to trusting her husband's goodwill and applying the respect message. I rejoice with her. She really is a good soul moving in the right direction.

But then I wondered: Could this actually be a classic illustration of making a mountain out of a molehill?

Is this truly evidence, as she believes, that her husband criticizes her and puts her in a situation not only to stuff her true feelings but to believe he has goodwill when she doesn't feel he has goodwill?

As much as she proceeded to apply the Love and Respect message, which I applaud, and which had magnificent outcomes, the way she worded herself put a check in my spirit. As I reread her words, I decoded another message that she may or may not be conscious of.

As gifted communicators related to feelings revolving around a conflict in marriage, many women are quite adept at portraying their victimhood without coming right out and saying they are victims. As I stood back and considered her meanings underneath her words, I wondered if she herself realized a possible set of underlying messages that her husband could hear as accusatory when all he tried to do was help her, which explains why he was flabbergasted (which she doesn't feel he should be).

Furthermore, based on what many women have told me is their belief that the problems in the marriage are the fault of the husbands, I decided to use that grid to see if she placed the blame on him, if ever so subtly. I asked myself, "Does she still see him at fault for hurting her feelings and devaluing her and her efforts with regard to the envelopes? Does she still believe that he needs to change, but since he hasn't changed he won't, so she must grin and bear it as best she can as the more mature one? And, should she be feeling any of this since it is making a mountain out of a molehill?

As you read what I write, tell me if I am correct in highlighting her subtle and nuanced judgments against her husband.

One, she does not see herself "blowing up" at her husband, which apparently is a quote from him. By putting this in quotes, she is communicating that she sees this as either an overstatement or a wrong statement from him. She does not see herself "blowing up." And, maybe she is correct. That is not something outsiders like myself can determine. But for sure, by putting that in quotes she is saying she does not agree with how he feels about how she appears to him at such moments when she flabbergasts him. To her, that's an inaccurate description which she does not accept, and for the record, she makes a correction. She doesn't blow up.

Two, does she not have a right to criticize him for criticizing her? She believes that she does. Does not justice permit this? Tit for tat, right? But she chooses instead to take the high road and not criticize as he criticizes. She will live by a more noble standard and not criticize him even though he deserves the criticism and is wrong for labeling his criticism as mere "suggestions." At one level, this is most commendable if he really is condemning her as a person for her pathetic strategy in mailing the letters. He's out of line. But what if she has raised his good-willed and good-hearted suggestion about the best way to mail the envelopes to the level of denunciation and disparagement that doesn't represent his wholesome intentions? Is she creating a strawman who is mean and cruel and then describes herself as a saint in response to this meanness and cruelty since she refuses to subscribe to an eye-for-an-eye and tooth-for-tooth approach in her marriage?

Three, she'd receive what he had to say about mailing the envelopes his way if he had verbally affirmed her efforts in mailing the envelopes her way. She reveals her utter amazement that he could not affirm her. She implies, by her stunned disbelief, that if the roles were reversed, she'd affirm his efforts before saying anything about a different way of mailing the envelopes. This isn't rocket science to her. Even so, she must take the high road and accept that he will probably never affirm her ways of doing things but only criticize her under the false umbrella of offering suggestions. She makes this point based on his suggestion to get the envelopes to their destination in a different way.

Four, she cannot do this on her own but needs God's help, which is of course a good thing. She prays that she'd not be guilty of the same guilt as her husband. "Please God, though he criticized me, help me take the higher road and not criticize him. Help me not be like him." This would be a great prayer if what she feels about her husband reflects his ambition to criticize and denounce her.

Five, she must resign herself to being the peacemaker in the marriage by keeping her mouth shut when he criticizes her. She has determined that there is more peace when she does not say anything negative about him on the heels of him being negative about her. But keeping one's mouth shut as a woman is one of the most distressing and demeaning comments a woman can make to other women about what she must do. That's code for, "Be a doormat." But alas, to keep the peace she has no other option. I am uncertain why she talks like this other than it aligns with the victimhood that women feel that they must duct tape their mouths to have peace in the home, which implies the husband is a total jerk who demands that she stuff all her feelings, but there is no other way with this man to have peace.

Six, she states that in displaying a more respectful way with him, she motivates him to affirm her. Encouragingly, she recognizes the impact of applying the respect side of the equation. This was tremendous in my opinion. But is she indirectly saying something else? Is this all about her being responsible for all of the positive outcomes in the relationship? First, is she saying that she is responsible to meet his need for respect, which the reader might say is unfair to her since he doesn't seem to be doing his part in all of this? Second, is she saying that she is responsible to meet her own need for affirmation by giving him respect to motivate him to affirm her? Does the onus fall on her to do it all? Is she indirectly communicating that a millstone is around her neck but she will keep moving forward as best she can?

Seven, is she saying that she has never really seen her husband's goodwill, and only believes he has goodwill because of what she read in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34? Despite thirteen years of marriage, is she telling me that she must take by faith that her husband possesses goodwill since her experience tells her otherwise? Is this why she needs God to empower her to believe in her husband's goodwill based on what He reveals in Scripture about her husband? Though that's a good thing, did she not see over thirteen years via her own observations that: "He doesn't mean to deflate me or demotivate me when he gives me suggestions instead of thanking me for the work that I have already done"? Is she saying that apart from 1 Corinthians 7:33-34, she would not have concluded he has ever really intended to act toward her with positive goodwill in affirming her and not criticizing her? Must she take that by faith without any observable facts?

Looking at this list of seven things, might her husband—if he pays close attention—hear this message: "As my husband, you walk the lower road in this marriage because you have no mental awareness of my efforts, no heartfelt appreciation of me, or verbal affirmation for me. This forces me to take the higher road by trusting and obeying God's Word to help me live with a man who is not aware of me, does not appreciate me, and fails to affirm me. I will apply the Word of God and put on respect, though you do not obey Him in loving me"? I can imagine this husband feeling emotionally overwhelmed since this is nothing more than him trying to help her mail some envelopes in a matter-of-fact task, which to him is a suggestion to enable her to better achieve her aims, but she interprets the whole affair in ways that sound to him like he has seriously mistreated her. Some husbands simply do not know how to engage their wives who feel this way.

What fascinates me is what would happen if the roles were reversed. Suppose he set out to mail envelopes as she did and she informs him of a friend who can personally transport them. What if when she tells him this, he resists her idea and expresses annoyance at her? What if he deflates and goes quiet? From what some ladies have told me, they would immediately say to their husbands without hesitation, "Grow up. I am just trying to help you get the mail delivered in the most efficient way. You take everything so personally. You are such high maintenance."

Yet, could the husband in our story say to his wife, "Grow up. I am just trying to help you get the mail delivered in the most efficient way. You take everything so personally. You are such high maintenance"?

If he did, she would write a treatise on his uncomplimentary and disdainful comments that have crushed her heart. No husband should be so cruel. She needs God's intervention to live with a bully.

Yes, many wives live with a husband who blames them for everything, and these guys stir my anger. They truly are mean, harsh, angry, unloving, self-serving schmucks. I am not defending guys like this.

Instead, I am addressing a guy who recommended a better way, in his estimation, of getting his wife's envelopes delivered and she heightened and intensified this into a scathing profile of him criticizing her as evidence of what he has done for thirteen years but which now puts her in a position to apply respect in spite of him.

There are men out there really trying to come alongside their wives but if they do it in a way that she feels is unacceptable she sends this message to him: "You hurt my feelings. Please recognize that you are wrong for hurting my feelings. You aren't trying to help me with suggestions but criticize me. And, let me add, when you tell me that I hurt your feelings, please recognize that you are wrong for claiming I hurt your feelings. I am trying to help you with my suggestions, not criticize you."

A wife once joked with me, "Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. That's why I bought my husband his own copy of Women Are from Venus, Men Are Wrong." 

This humor captures what some wives dare say is true. Their experience convinces them.