He Will Always Need Her Respect. She Will Always Need His Love.

The Crazy Cycle can be explained as the following: Without love, she reacts without respect; without respect, he reacts without love. But what about “independent” and “self-confident” couples, who perhaps marry not as young as others and claim that their self-reliance will be an ally in their marital happiness?

She doesn’t believe she actually needs him, which works out well for him, because he doesn’t want to be responsible for her. Could this actually be a loophole for staying off the Crazy Cycle? Without love, she continues on just as fine as she always has. Without respect, he pays the bills and tries to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Hear this story sent to me about two people who realized there was no avoiding the Crazy Cycle:

I need to share our story. Stephen and I have been together for seven and a half years. We will be married for three years in April. We spent the first four or so years circling each other like rabid dogs; we both came from really bad relationships, and we are both independent and headstrong. Stephen didn't want to have to "take care of another woman," and I "didn't need or want a man to take care of me."

We have had some really hard, heartbreaking times; I felt so broken, he was always angry. My friend Liz told me about your study. I had nothing to lose, so I asked him if he would do it with me. He growled, "I guess" and I ordered the study. It sat on the kitchen counter for at least a month; I got tired of asking to do it. I subscribed to your e-mail, and on occasion I would forward it to Stephen.

One evening after a horrible fight (I don't even know what it was about), he said, "Let's start that study." We both were angry and hurt; I cried nonstop. We couldn't make it through one video in a night. We had to break it up into small bites so we could deal with it. However, we forged ahead with the study. We finally began to realize how we were treating each other was not only unloving and disrespectful, we realized we were staying in the Crazy Cycle.

Your ministry has helped us in so many ways, and we are forever grateful for your work and willingness to be used by God. I have even discovered some of my own insecurities are rooted in childhood trauma. This prompted me to seek counsel and guidance. I joined a support group and started seeing a therapist. I have a meeting with my parents tonight to attempt to talk and resolve that trauma.

The communication tools y'all share are great for any relationship, and I am so glad I am armed with them. Stephen and I are in Arkansas and hope to attend a live conference and thank you personally. Thank y'all so much for sharing your love and respect.

This couple learned what we have been sharing for many, many years now. There is no avoiding his need for respect or her desire for love. It is part of the DNA God gave us when He designed us as men and women.

But it is not too late to get off the Crazy Cycle! Start today and discover the joy of the Energizing Cycle: His love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.

-Dr. E