Do Wives Only Need Love and Husbands Only Need Respect?

In my book Love & Respect, I wrote, "I sometimes get the question, ‘You say women need love and men need respect. Isn’t the opposite just as true? Don’t gals need respect and guys need love?’ My answer is, of course, women need respect and guys need love" (page 47).

A few pages later, I then asked, "Paul’s writings clearly command men to agape-love their wives (see Ephesians 5:22–33), but is there any place in Scripture where men are instructed to respect their wives as well? After teaching wives to behave respectfully before their husbands (see 1 Peter 3:1–2), Peter goes on to tell husbands to live in an understanding way with their wives 'and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life' (1 Peter 3:7). When Peter uses the phrase 'show her honor as a fellow heir,' he is telling husbands to value and prize their wives as equals within the grace of God. Paul concurs when he writes that in Christ, 'there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus' (Galatians 3:28)" (page 52).

I continued, "This concept of honoring your wife is also found in Ephesians 5, where Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they do themselves. As Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh, but… cherishes it.” The passage clearly says that as a husband cherishes his own flesh he is to cherish his wife in the same way (see vv. 28–29). A wife longs to be that special person Paul describes. She wants to be cherished as a princess, not revered as a queen. She longs to be first in importance to him" (pages 52-53).

Anyone who has read the book or attended a conference will recognize two acronyms I use a great deal: C.O.U.P.L.E. (how to spell love to a wife) and C.H.A.I.R.S. (how to spell respect to a husband). However, some fail to recognize an extremely important aspect of the "E" in C.O.U.P.L.E., which stands for “Esteem.” You see, I titled this chapter as “Esteem—She Wants You to Honor and Cherish Her." So when I say a wife needs her husband’s esteem, I am saying she needs his honor and respect!

When people read the whole book, they read this chapter on showing esteem (respect and honor) to a wife and deeply appreciate this major point in the book. They know the book is not solely about a husband needing respect.

If you have not read this chapter about a wife needing R-E-S-P-E-C-T, please read and enjoy. In it, I reveal how to respect, honor, and esteem a wife based on 1 Peter 3:7.

As well, though I explain C.O.U.P.L.E. as how to spell love to a wife, I also make this bold declaration: "In a very real sense, the C.O.U.P.L.E. acronym is a commentary on the best way to show respect to a wife. The best way to respect or honor a wife is through your Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peace-making, Loyalty, and now E—for Esteem" (page 174). As I have said for over twenty years at our conference, "The best way to respect your wife is to love her as God intends."

But not only do I teach that wives need esteem (honor and respect), this also means by implication that many of the elements in C.H.A.I.R.S. (how to spell respect to a husband) will also speak to a wife’s needs as a woman. This is a fascinating realization and very liberating for some wives.

As well, the same could be said about C.O.U.P.L.E. referring to needs in the husband’s heart. After all, the "R" in C.H.A.I.R.S. (relationship) addresses a husband's need for friendship-love. So clearly husbands need love too! 

Those who read the book should see an obvious Love and Respect crossover on the acronyms that I use, because I clearly talk about respect being necessary for a wife (C.O.U.P.L.E.), and I state that love is necessary for a husband (C.H.A.I.R.S.).

The crossover has thrilled countless couples as they seek mutual understanding. These are prominent and precious concepts in Love & Respect for all to see.

When the godly-wise, goodwilled couple to whom I wrote the book applies these truths as God intended, good things happen. Unfortunately, though, some do not apply them, which is their choice. However, I feel strongly that is also their loss, and their choice can bring deep pain to the family unit. They lack goodwill as they refuse to do God's will.