A Husband's Temptations Can Result in the Wife Feeling Like a Failure

As one wife said, "Women don’t have a vulnerability when it comes to sexual matters like male nudity, but they do have a concern about the vulnerability that their husbands have in this area with regard to pornography or the sexually seductive female. This is something wives do not want to be true and do not want to hear." For this reason, as a husband longs for his wife's empathy concerning his temptation, he must extend empathy toward her when hearing of his temptation.

Every husband must recognize how tough it can be for his wife to hear of his temptations toward other women. There may be no greater challenge to a wife than to hear that her husband finds certain attractive women a temptation. This threatens her at the core of her being. "Am I not enough for you?” she can’t help but ask. “Why can't you have eyes only for me? What else is going on here that you are not telling me? What's wrong with me? Are you dissatisfied with me?" She floods him with these questions.

Though it is both natural and understandable that a wife would feel this way, she must resist letting her insecurities kick into overdrive. When she personalizes what he brings into the light as a man who wants what Christ wants for him and wants his wife to know of his vulnerabilities, she will make the issue about herself and how he is panicking her.

Let's be clear about temptation, though. Temptation is not a sin. Jesus experienced temptation but did not give in to the allurements. "He was in the wilderness forty days being tempted by Satan" (Mark 1:13). Thus, acknowledging temptation as Jesus reported to His followers can be Christlike. Confessing temptation is not wrong. The sin is yielding to the temptation. A husband can very well talk about his vulnerabilities given a wife does not shame him for his humble and honest report about the snares he seeks to sidestep in order to trust and obey Christ.

Sadly, some wives instruct their husbands that what they share about their susceptibilities makes her feel unsafe and therefore he must not be this way. She also tells him that he should definitely not tell her these things since this upends her marital world that she otherwise brags about among her girlfriends. She informs him that he is not a good man and may be bringing this on himself since she has no such temptations. Many wives create boundaries on what is an appropriate vulnerability to share and what is not. He decides to remain mum on this reality.

Ironically, though not surprising, as the months and years pass, she complains that her husband seems to keep things back from her. She senses that he feels things that he does not tell her. Of course, she is correct. She told him not to tell her certain things that frighten her and topple her emotionally.

On the one hand, many wives covet to hear of their husbands' vulnerabilities when it matches their deepest expectations as a wife. She enjoys it when he shares feelings that positively touch her caring heart. For instance, he shares his sadness and that he actually cried over their eighteen-year-old daughter going off to college. She feels love and affection for him as he divulges that he doesn’t know if life will be the same without her. She admires his openness about his struggle emotionally. She approaches him to comfort him, and may even wish to be sexually intimate with him. 

Or, some wives couldl talk all day with a husband who says such things as, "If you died, I could not survive without you. I'd go into a depression and wonder how I could go on living. I would struggle with why God took you. You mean everything to me." This kind of vulnerability she welcomes since it makes her feel loved, esteemed, and needed.

On the other hand, when he shares his vulnerability toward attractive women and how culture bombards him with nudity through the media or his awareness of a seductive woman at the office, that transparency and vulnerability can horrify her. So he learns to stay muted about vulnerabilities that do not energize her. This is why many husbands avoid such transparency. She places conditions on what he should and should not share.

This does not mean that he should make her his accountability partner, for instance, on matters of sexual temptation, which only other men should fulfill. I am not promoting frequent sharing about specific instances. But a traveling worship leader who has good looks, talent, success, and a kind demeanor will almost certainly attract women who themselves could be tempted to flirt with him. Therefore, he and his wife must address his vulnerabilities and develop a godly plan to protect his relationship with Christ and to her. This musician need not come home each time and relay specific episodes he encountered on the road, but his wife must be cognizant that in general, like Jesus, her husband faces temptations. Though she commits to trust him and thus does not need to ask each time, "So, did any woman come on to you?" both know this reality lingers each time he is out there. Her commitment is to meet his needs, and his commitment is to look to her to meet his needs. 

But all the while, it is vital that he keep in mind how his temptations with other women—while not sin in and of themselves—still give avenue for the Enemy to whisper lies to her and cause her to feel unattractive, not enough for him, and as though she is failing as a wife. He must assure her of his love and attraction toward her, that he agrees that any part of giving in to the temptation would be a horrid sin, and that his true desire is only for her. She has a vulnerability in this area that he can be intentional to meet her in and keep the Enemy away.