Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.