Building Blocks DVD Study - Couple's Kit

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.