Amor y Respeto (Spanish Love & Respect Book)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.