The Language of Love & Respect

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Your words reveal your heart.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.