Building Blocks Study Guide

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.