Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.