Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your words reveal your heart.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.