Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.