Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your words reveal your heart.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.