Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.