Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your words reveal your heart.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?