Before You Hit Send

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We are equal but we are not the same.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.