Before You Hit Send

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your words reveal your heart.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.