Before You Hit Send

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your words reveal your heart.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.