Before You Hit Send

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.