Before You Hit Send

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.