REMEMBERING COURTSHIP

For a wife to make an adjustment, she need only remember how she related to her husband when dating. She came alongside him and did things with him, and watched him do things.

A wife writes, 

“After reading in your book about how women will do shoulder-to-shoulder during courtship but forget to do it during marriage, I was convicted. I read your car example. So when my husband decided to work on one of our daughter’s cars, I decided to sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth closed. Now that was hard to do. But I did. I just sat. Soon he asked me to hold the flashlight. Then he asked me to hold some wires together. I held the instruction manual for him. And... I was there when he turned the key and the car started. I cheered. I yelled. Then I walked inside with him, and cheered for him in front of the children. Just like you said, I had not seen that look on his face since courtship days. (The mechanics had told my husband that he could not do what he was attempting to do on the car. They said that he must get it to a shop. But he did it, and I was there to see him do it. I am so glad that I had read your example in the book.) Thank you.”

THE MALE NEED: JUST KEEP ME COMPANY

Another gal told me, “That chapter of the shoulder-to-shoulder thing, oh my word! That is us to the tee. I do not know how many times he has asked me to come out and ‘help’ him while he works on cars, rakes leaves, or whatever. He has even said, ‘Just come and keep me company.’ Would I do it? No.”

But she realized that she could do this. She listened to the heart of her husband. The good news is that many wives want to meet their husband’s need.

“Your shoulder-to-shoulder friendship time really does make a huge difference,” said a wife, “and in such a short amount of time. I believe many people overlook this basic need of a man, and once attention is paid to it, miracles really do happen. I believe that is one of the best tips inside of your book. It really brought us closer together.”

SHOOTING DARTS TOGETHER

Another wrote, “I failed to respect his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. My husband loves to play darts and has a board set up in our garage. He frequently goes out there and usually when he does, I am inside cleaning or doing laundry, etc. One day soon after coming home from your seminar, I remembered about the shoulder-to-shoulder and went out to ask him to teach me to shoot darts. He was stunned and agreed very quickly. We had a wonderful hour or so together, then he came in and offered to help with cleaning. He told all his friends with pride how he had taught me darts. Wow! I will definitely let the dust go from now on.”

Remember, when men come home, most need to do something frivolous. They unwind through frivolity. Most husbands wish to disengage and do something enjoyable. Early on they expected this to be their wives. “Come be with me!” Though it makes little sense to most wives, this recharges the husband and creates fond feelings of love and affection toward his wife who sits next to him quietly. She finds the two of them feeling connected the rest of the evening. Go figure.

INCONVENIENT

Will this always be convenient? No! You have things to do!

A woman e-mails, “The hardest part for me was the shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. It sounds funny, that I find it hardest, but I have trouble especially in the evenings just sitting down with him and watching TV or talking or sitting on our deck together after the kids have gone to bed. I feel like I always need to be doing SOMETHING! Like laundry, dishes, checking e-mail, spending time with our boys. But, I’ve really come a long way. I now try to stop what I’m doing and just sit with him for a while most evenings.”

Yes, most women have other things to do besides just be with their husband. But what if he said to her, “I have things to do besides talking to you face to face”? I think you get my point. As a wife has a need for face-to-face talking, a husband has a need for shoulder-to-shoulder companionship. Few women can grasp how and why this energizes a husband since it would not energize her long-term. She needs to take this by faith. God made us male and female! Not wrong, just different!

KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE

Listen to this wife,

“This afternoon, I needed to water my horses…I was wondering what to do with myself during the 40 minutes it takes the water tank to fill, when I remembered reading about ‘Relationship - His Desire for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship.’ I knew he was getting ready to work on our little boy’s bicycle, so I conveniently located myself on the grass near where I figured they would be working. The look of surprise on my husband’s face was worth it all right there. All I could remember from that chapter was: 1) This is important bonding for him (it felt more like sitting in the middle of the road to me), and 2) Don’t TALK! So I just sat there silently (a major endeavor in and of itself), and quietly watched the two of them work.

At first I felt like a fish out of water. I mean, they weren’t TALKING to me! But I hung in there. I started noticing some things. My husband actually got jaunty and even shared an interesting story (face-to-face!) from his childhood that related to bicycles. It was AWESOME! I am totally stoked. It felt so good to be able to give him a nuts-and-bolts bonding experience that I got a high from it. It also gave me insight into relating to my 7-year-old son. Josiah often asks me, “Mommy, would you like to keep me company?” And I have had NO CLUE what to do with that. He doesn’t want me to play with him, he doesn’t want to talk to me while he plays; I’ve always felt at loose ends and soon get up to go DO something, yet feel like I’m missing something important. Well, today I GOT IT! He LITERALLY just wants me to keep him company. Wow. How cool is that!”

Please take a moment and view the video titled “He Deserves Your Time” in the next step.