Just Accept It

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that “If you marry, you have not sinned, but you will have trouble.” There you have it, right out of God’s Word. Marriages bring trouble. Don’t let Hollywood fool you; there are no perfect, happy-go lucky relationships with nothing but hugs, kisses, and overflowing bank accounts. You and your spouse will have trouble at times. You will indeed find yourself on the Crazy Cycle. And that is okay.

Because “having trouble” does not mean your marriage is “in trouble.” It very well could be that when Tuesday night rolls around and he is ready to be sexually intimate, while she is exhausted and only wants to cuddle with a book, the marriage is smack dab in the center of God’s will, despite the “trouble” you find yourself working through.

So when the Crazy Cycle begins—he is feeling that she is not respecting his physical needs that only she can meet; she is feeling that he is not loving her by understanding her mental exhaustion from the day—you may take a spin or two, but then the spouse who sees him or herself as the most mature can simply say, “I shouldn’t have said it that way. Will you forgive me?”

Yes, “you will have trouble.” And in that trouble, God can be glorified and your marriage strengthened. Embrace it.

Can You Relate?

“We didn’t know diddly squat [about marriage], but we thought we did.” Oh, how wonderful it would be if all couples could humble themselves to the conclusion that Julie and Larry did in the video testimonial. How many of us have filled our conversations with others with our “Yes, but” statements? “Yes, we know that marriages can bring trouble, but we’re prepared.” “Yes, we know that the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever, but we are so in love with each other that we believe we will become the exception.”

Julie, too, thought she knew all she needed to know about loving her husband, except she had to admit later that respecting a husband had never been modeled for her. And Larry, also, thought a happy marriage was all about love, love, love. But he had no idea that as a man, respect is what he needed to feel most from his wife.

Though Julie never said the words, what he heard from her was that she didn’t respect him as a man. And despite her head knowledge that Larry did love her, Julie’s heart never felt that love. Therefore, conflict was continual in their relationship, even when they didn’t even recognize it.

But as with Julie, when one spouse decides to be the mature one and start loving or respecting the other despite not feeling loved or respected in return, we get to see the beautiful work God can do in our hearts, right there in the middle of the Crazy Cycle!

Decode What’s Really Going On

The key to getting off of the Crazy Cycle is always keeping in mind 1 Corinthians 7:33–34: “but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife...The woman...who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” Your husband or wife is not the exception! He or she desires to please you, at all times. It’s in our DNA to be concerned with such things.

There are many moments when it becomes difficult not to feel offended or react without anger. But we have to remember our spouse’s goodwill. We have to remember they are still concerned with pleasing us. We must approach them as our ally, not our enemy. And allies have conflicts; they have disagreements and don’t always see eye to eye. But they don’t wipe each other off the map. They don’t send in the artillery against each other.

So keeping in mind that your spouse is your ally, not your enemy, the next key is to decode what is really going on. Is he withdrawing from you because he is unloving toward you, or did you say or do something prior that he interpreted as disrespectful? Is she irrational and emotional toward you after work because she gets excited about disrespecting you, or have you done or said something recently that felt very unloving to her?

To take a moment and decode the situation, rather than grabbing hold of that wheel and spinning it even faster, gives you the power to get off the Crazy Cycle with your spouse. But you must always remember that he or she still desires to please you, is still your ally. And then you must ask yourself, did I do something to cause this unloving or disrespectful response? And then ask forgiveness and watch what happens. Watch that Crazy Cycle come to a stop.

Take Home Point

During conflict each must accept honest misunderstandings and differences between two people of goodwill as part of God’s will.