Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.