Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your words reveal your heart.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.