Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We are equal but we are not the same.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your words reveal your heart.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.