Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your words reveal your heart.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.