Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.