Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.