Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your words reveal your heart.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.