Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.