Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?