Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.