Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.