Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.