Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.