Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your words reveal your heart.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.