Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.