Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your words reveal your heart.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).