Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.