Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your words reveal your heart.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.