Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your words reveal your heart.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.