Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.