Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.